


Drifting Under

by Internpup



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Babies, Blow Jobs, Children, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Violence, Drug Addiction, Drugged Sex, Family, First Dates, First Kiss, First Time, Forced Pregnancy, Gaslighting, Heroin, Horseback Riding, Implied Mpreg, Kidnapping, M/M, Marijuana, Military, Military Backstory, Mpreg, Newborn Children, Physical Disability, Poisoning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sexual Abuse, Sibling Rivalry, Suicidal Thoughts, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, bird facts, nature facts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-04-17 19:52:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 42,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14196489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Internpup/pseuds/Internpup
Summary: Redding, an army veteran in training for an extreme horseback race after a career-ending accident, navigates his new love but doesnt realize there is a predator in his own home.After he becomes the prey, he finds a way to émotionally survive the rape he has to endure at the hands of his 'husband', and never stops struggling to stay himself in the face of his abuse.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a story that I hope is fun and sexy and kinky, but also does honour to the characters whose experience is different than my own. I am an able bodied person writing someone who is coming to terms with being differently abled and trying to create a character who is emotionally complex and who is a lot more than his barriers. I am trying my best to research, but I may make mistakes, and hope it doesnt come off as disrespect. 
> 
> If anybody has constructive feedback about how better to honour any of the characters and their experience, please let me know. I very much welcome it!

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2011)

Redding felt like he was in a distant world, his fear existing somewhere apart from him. He hated this feeling, this dullness that kept him from fighting back. He hated being too dizzy to use his crutches, trapped on the floor. 

But that hatred felt distant too. It was easy to disengage. The drugs let him accept this a little more easily. 

It was easier not to struggle as Elliot lifted him onto the bed. The man was kissing him wetly, undressing him.

The air was cold. 

Red wondered if this Polish house would be any warmer than the Swedish cottage when winter crept in. 

He couldnt but react when Elliot wrapped his lips around Red's cock. "Elliot, dont." He moaned, the hot mouth felt good after the cold air. Elliot's tongue wrapped around his cock. Red flushed, reaching up to push him away, but Elliot caught his arm easily. 

Red hated how good it felt. Red hated that Elliot was more skilled than Felix had been. Red hated the most that Elliot made him come every time. 

The house looked poorly insulated. Probably colder. 

The cold was particularly bad on poorly insulated floors. 

Red closed his eyes in gratitude when Elliot was satisfied. Red's cock was hard and pink, bobbing wetly against his stomach. 

What came next would hurt. Red took comfort in that. It was easier to hate Elliot when he was hurting him. Harder when he was kind. 

"Look at me Red." Elliot asked. "Come on." 

Red kept his eyes firmly on the floor by the bed. There was likely airspace between the floor and the ground under the rough wooden floors. 

Elliot took his chin and forced him to look at him. Red's deep brown, slightly curved eyes met Elliot's dark, european gaze. Elliot was of polish stock. He blended in completely here. His mastery of the language let him live and work here. Nobody suspected he was hiding anything. 

The man's fingers were working inside of him, slickly lubed. Red gritted his teeth, refusing to make any sound of pain or hatred, lest Elliot mistake it for pleasure. He didnt tell him to stop. It would be pointless. He'd demanded, threatened, eventually begged Elliot not to rape him. The result never varied. 

Elliot leaned in to kiss Redding's neck, the light touch feeling good and violating in equal measures. Redding shivered, his hands resting on Elliot's head, making a gesture to push him, but with no strength or will to fight. The kisses trailed down to Red's collar bone as Elliot stretched Red's hole. 

His fingers disappeared, and Elliot leaned over him, pushing his cock inside of him. Red couldn't help but gasp, the sharp pain of unwanted entry made him whimper at last. Elliot held Red's face with one hand, the other holding the bedpost. "It will pass Redding. Every time we make love its easier." He promised as he thrust inside of him. 

"It wont. Fuck you-!" Red ground out, breathless from pain. 

"Shhh... You'll love me. You do. Once you're pregnant again, you'll see." Elliot slid his hand behind Red's head, cradling it as his hips slapped jarringly against Redding's. 

Red felt suddenly sick at this thought. He couldnt. Not with elliot. Not here. All alone in a foreign country, without a doctor, the thought was terrifying, and the thought of being impregnated again by his rapist made him physically ill. The fear was strong enough to lift the drug fog slightly. "You cant. I wont carry another baby for you. You'll kill me!" He cried. 

Elliot forced a hand over Redding's mouth. "We will be a family and you will learn to love it. You loved our baby. I saw it, but you gave him away. You gave him away, so we're making another one and you'll never have another chance to throw away our child Redding." He said. 

Red shuddered, grabbing at Elliot's hand to drag it off, panting hard when Elliot let it fall. Leaving Victor with a bewildered tourist family was the best thing he had ever done for their son. He was safe. He wasnt here. 

"Do you understand?" Elliot looked at him, still fucking him. 

Redding nodded without saying a word. He couldnt be here anymore. He let his mind drift to the floor and then below it, wondering what wildlife might live down there. 

Moles? Mice? A fox or two.

He felt Elliot's mouth on him, felt the pain of violation, but the drugs allowed him to just drift, not caring what happened to his body. 

He felt Elliot orgasm inside of him, but paid no attention. Elliot moved again to Redding's cock, his mouth and fingers working him with upsetting skill. Orgasm brought Red back helplessly, shuddering and moaning as he came inside Elliot's mouth. Red met his eyes again, regarding him dully even as he shivered from the aftermath of orgasm. Elliot smiled, as if he hadnt just drugged and raped the man he claimed to love. Elliot climbed up beside him, kissing him lightly on the lips. "I love you." 

Redding just closed his eyes and moved to rest against him, and Elliot wrapped an arm around him, humming happily. 

Do moles even range this far north? Redding wondered. 

Maybe not. Maybe Lemmings.


	2. Polish Dreamland

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2015)

Redding sat in the doorway of the old farmhouse, enjoying the late summer sun. The air was just cooling enough to be pleasant, a break from the heat and insects of the summer, and before the bone-crushing cold of the winter. Winters were deep here, and he felt them heavily in the old farmhouse. 

He had changed a lot in the last four years since Elliot had taken him. He wore a neatly cared for black beard and a short haircut. The gray knit sweater he wore, as with nearly everything he owned and wore, had been chosen by his husband. Redding was a secret, for Elliot's eyes and those of his son only. Soft black pants and chunky socks completed the outfit, both worn distinctively from making his way around the farm house on the floor. 

Holly, their grey mare, grazed peacefully nearby. Redding eyed the wet and muddy grass, and looked at the time, judging if he could make it out to spend some time with her and make it back to clean himself up before he was discovered. Elliot was abidingly afraid of Redding going outside alone. The possibility of being seen, of being recognised, was too much for Redding's husband, though he covered it with worries about Red getting hurt or being unable to get back. Elliot underestimated his husband's abilities when it suited him. 

"Fuck it." Red said softly to himself, and lifted himself down the two steps to the muddy path. "Holly!" He called, and the mare happily trotted closer. He slid himself to the fence, and she lowered her head, sniffing at him. Redding rubbed her ears, smiling. "Hello beautiful girl, long time no see." 

The beautiful, good tempered animal nuzzled into him happily, enjoying the scratches and affection from the owner who she saw the least. Redding kissed his horse on the ear. "You'll need your horse blanket soon. Still warm now though. Elliot isnt brushing you enough is he Holly?" He asked, patting her dusty neck, noting the mud stuck in her short fur. "He doesnt think Ill see. I'll get on that man's back for you gorgeous." He reassured her. 

It was then that Redding heard the engine sounds of their small sedan coming up the uneven dirt road leading to their farmhouse. The horse raised her head curiously for a moment, and then returned to Redding, nibbling his hair to get his attention, but Redding was trying to calculate if he could at least get back to the house before his husband arrived.

There wasnt time. He'd have to face Elliot's anger, so Redding made the best of the moments he had left, cooing at his horse and scratching her chin. When Elliot arrived and got out of the car, Redding ignored him entirely, acting as if he didnt hear his name shouted angrily. 

"Redding!" Elliot was above him. "What are you doing? This is crazy! This isnt safe! Did you leave Chase alone in the house?" 

"Whats crazy about seeing my horse? You bought her for me! And I cant see her!" Redding retorted. 

Elliot knelt down, moving to pick up his husband. Redding's cheeks flushed with hatred as Elliot touched him. "I'm perfectly capable of getting myself back inside!" He snapped and jerked away. "I'm staying out here with Holly."

Elliot blinked, taken aback. Redding rarely fought him anymore. "Redding. You know the rules. It's too dangerous for you to be outside." He said, his voice calm, but Redding could recognise the edge to it of controlled anger. 

"I just want to spend time with my horse!" Red cried. "Elliot! This is the one damn thing I have! I cant ride her because of you, but at least let me see her!" 

"You have me. You have our son. Isnt that enough for you? Redding, we have a dream life here! This is what you wanted!" Elliot argued. He put his hand lovingly on Red's cheek. 

Red pushed him away. "Its what you wanted!" He snarled. "Victor was my child! He was mine! I'm glad he got out!" 

Elliot's brows furrowed, and Red suddenly realized he'd gone too far. "You need to calm down." Elliot said flatly. He picked up Red roughly in his arms. Elliot could carry him easily. 

"Elliot, no, wait!" Red struggled, but Elliot knew every movement, every strength and weak point. He restrained him, only to drop him on the bed. Redding was breathless with pain from the rough handling as he watched his husband prepare the sedative. When he'd been drugged every day, it had been in the water. Now, it was an injection. 

Redding knew he couldnt win, but struggled anyway. "Fuck you!" Soon Elliot had him forced onto his front, a knee on his back and his practiced fingers injected the hypnotic into Redding's arm. 

"You will feel so much better in a moment." Elliot said, letting him go. He sat down beside him, and waited for the drug to take hold before lovingly combing Redding's disarrayed hair back into place. "You know I hate doing this to you, but you need it. I love you." 

Redding could feel his emotions dulled, his head light and spinning. He couldnt answer, he just moved into the light touches, burying his face in the sheets.


	3. In Training

Grantham, England

(2009)

"Last leg, girl! Almost home!" Redding urged his horse into a trot. The strong black mare was tired, so was he, but they could both smell their home on the horizon. Daph perked up, her tail flicking happily as she recognised the trail. She happily sped up, thinking of her warm loose box and ample dinner that would be waiting for her after their long, hard ride together. 

Redding was high on the excitement of success. He grinned uncontrollably as they approached the property, and raised his fist in the air as he caught sight of the two men waiting for him. They both returned the gesture in their own way. 

Redding approached them, and pulled Daph to a stop. She shook her head in annoyance at the delay, looking longingly towards the stable she could now see. 

"Two days." Redding grinned. 

"You did it!" Felix rushed to hug him. Felix was a young man, Reddings age, with eye-catching ginger hair and freckles. He was small and lean-bodied, and dressed for the cold day in a windbreaker and jeans. "Gosh, you are filthy!" He cried. "But all whole?" He asked. 

Redding laughed, hanging onto the handle on his adaptive saddle to lean down to hug him with one arm. "Its not a perfect system yet. I slipped a few times. All whole." He gave his partner a short kiss to silence his concerns. This kiss was a downpayment on more he would get once Redding was rested. 

Elliot approached next. "Congratulations Redding." He smiled. Elliot was a handsome man in his mid-twenties, tall and strong with neatly cut, short, black hair. He had clear european features and a soft, attractive smile. He was wearing a new brown jacket and slacks. "So you've got two days down, next time a week on the trail." 

"Dont rush me." Redding groaned good-naturedly. "I'm not going to move for a week, let alone get back on Daph." 

The horse looked back curiously at hearing her name. Redding patted her. "Ok girl, home time?" She started for the stable without his command, and he chuckled. "She's in a rush! I'll see you in a few minutes!" He allowed the horse to lead them into the stables, where she headed of her own accord to the spot where Redding would dismount, and waited patiently. 

The man took a deep breath, preparing himself for a painful process. The excitement of the last leg was wearing off, and he was feeling the reality of what he had done to himself. "Right Red, almost there." He murmured. Two days on horseback and a night sleeping on the ground was going to wreck him, but the pain was worth it to prove to himself he could do it. 

"Let me help." Elliot said. Redding startled a bit. He hadnt heard the man approach, but Elliot had always moved silently. Like the best of manservants, Redding had gathered from his reading, they were unobtrusive until needed. 

It had been hard to get used to having to rely on someone else when Redding had first been injured and been bed-bound much of the time. Elliot was technically a manservant, but had trained as a care aid. He had started out as Red's full-time carer, but they had known one another now for years. Elliot's role had changed as Redding healed slowly and gained more indépendance. Elliot had seen him through his worst times of pain, illness, and depression. He couldnt imagine his world without him anymore. 

Redding shook his head. "I won't have you around during the race. I have to do this myself." He began to dismount, lowering himself from the saddle slowly using his arms and the handholds on the specialized saddle. He hissed in pain as his feet touched the floor. "Jesus Christ Fuck." He muttered as he balanced carefully, hanging on still and unholstering his black customized crutches from the horses side. The transition from one weight-bearing tool to another was always awkward, especially right now, and he felt one leg go as he let go of the saddle to fully balance on his crutches. He let go of the crutch to grab his horse and prevent his sudden fall to the concrete, but Elliot had him first. Elliot's strong hands were supporting him, a hand under his arm and another at his back. The man caught him, steadying him against Daph before retrieving his crutch from the ground. 

Redding flushed with emberassment. He hated to fail at this last second. Elliot saw his annoyance, and only watched as Redding successfully transferred his weight back to the crutches on that second try. 

"You have another year before the race Redding. Dont rush yourself." Elliot said, sensing his employer and friend's upset at the near-fall. "What you finished these last two days is incredible enough." 

"I was almost there! Almost perfect!" Redding said shortly. 

"I wont tell anyone." Elliot assured him. 

"I know." Redding sighed. "You know me." He shrugged and let out a self-deprecating chuckle. 

"I do know you." He replied. "You worry you cant do it. Five days on hard trail." Elliot supplied. 

Redding looked at his friend, and nodded. 

"Think of where you were a year ago, and where you are now." He smiled, that gorgeous, proud smile. He put his hands on Reddings shoulders. "Who knows where you'll be a year from now. Entering that race is already a win. Finishing is just a bonus. Right?" 

Elliot waited until Red looked up, and nodded reluctantly. Redding smiled a bit. "Yeah... You're right. You're always right." Redding teased and pushed him playfully away.

 

Felix knocked shyly on Redding's door an hour later, before coming inside. Redding had showered and dressed in fresh clothes, and was in bed, where he intended to stay to recover from the brutal self-imposed ride. Redding smiled sleepily at his love. Elliot had brought him additional painkillers over and above the already high levels of opiates he took daily. "I feel amazing and like shit all at once." 

Felix climbed into bed with him and snuggled close, sliding long thin fingers across his strong chest. "Mmmm... To be expected." 

Redding caught him in a lingering kiss. "I missed you." He smiled. 

Felix blushed in the kiss. "It was two days." He giggled, nuzzling him happily. 

"Where do I go normally? Nowhere. We havent been apart that long before." Redding stretched against him. 

"Of course we have. Whenever Papa and I go on buying trips to London." Felix replied. "Thats four days at least."

"Fine." Redding chuckled. "Thats a good point. I still missed you." 

"I was worried about you out there all alone." Felix said, settling his chin in the crook of Redding's neck. 

"I was in mobile phone range the whole time." Redding yawned. "I'm sorry. I'm worn out." 

"Thats ok." Felix said, his voice muffled in Reddings shoulder. "I'll worry about you always, but I couldnt be prouder of you." He leaned up to kiss him on the lips again.

"Mmmm..." Redding hummed happily, even as he was beginning to drift off. "I love you. Gosh, the meds dont normally do this to me." He said, trying to stay awake, wanting to spend time with Felix. He pushed himself to sit up, but he was suddenly dizzy. "Oh shit." He moaned. 

"Whats wrong?" Felix was suddenly alert, petting Redding worriedly. 

"Just dizzy. I'm fine. Too much riding." Redding tried to dismiss Felix' fear. Medication interacted in strange ways. His body betrayed him always in unexpected ways. Any idea of true control was an illusion. He let Felix help him lie back. "Maybe I just need to sleep." Redding yawned again. "But I wanted to see you." He reached up, running his fingers through Felix' red hair.

"I think you should." Felix pulled the blankets up over his love, and lay on top of them, an arm wrapped around him. "I love you too Red." He smiled. "We can spend tomorrow together after work. You did an amazing thing today. Rest now. I will see you then." He kissed Redding's temple as his lover difted off. Redding mumbled an echo of his 'I love you'. He tried to stay awake, but was fast asleep when his lover kissed him one last time and departed.

 

Redding woke up gradually. He wasnt sure what was happening. He felt pain, but that was baseline. There was never a moment he didnt feel pain. It was hard to breath. A weight was holding him down. 

There were large strong hands on his bare body. He cried out as something pressed inside of him. The pain of penetration was sharp. He felt like he was in a fog. It was hard to fight. His limbs were heavy. 

This was a nightmare. 

It had to be.

"Elliot-! Felix-!" He gasped, calling for help but his voice was strangled by the weight on his back. He couldnt draw in a breath. 

"Shhhh..." His attacker shushed, combing his hand soothingly through Red's hair. The man leaned back, letting Red take a full breath. Redding dragged in air desperately. "What are you doing?" He gasped. "Stop! Stop, stop!" In answer, lips pressed softly to the back of his neck, an almost loving gesture, before his attacker began to thrust painfully inside of him. 


	4. Grocery Boy

Grantham, England

(2009 - Six Months Before)

"Watch this. In production this scene was called 'Fingerbang misfire'." Red pointed to the screen, grinning, watching as the young couple on the screen got intimate, the young man's hand sliding into his friend's underwear. She arched her back, moaning as if with pleasure. 

Redding wasnt watching the screen anymore. He watched Felix' reaction as his friend went from curiosity, to disgust, to horror. Felix squealed as the young man drew back his hand covered in blood. They ripped off the blanket, only to discover that his fingers had been buried in a seeping open wound on her leg, and she had been squirming in pain rather than pleasure. 

Felix hid his face in Redding's chest. "Thats disgusting!!" He cried. "I cant watch this anymore!" His words were belied by his peeking back to the screen with one eye as the sinful youth discussed what to do with their sick friend. 

Redding bit his lip in amusement at Felix' unguarded reactions. He had seen this movie and it's useless remake so many times he could quote it. He didnt need to watch it. Instead, he marveled at his luck, finally having Felix in his arms. 

For almost eight months, the two of them had been shyly smoking together in the back garden. It had become their ritual to share a joint whenever Felix made a delivery to the manor where Red lived with his brother and brother in law. Redding had always made sure to be there, rain or shine. Felix and his training on horseback were the only two things that could get him out of his room on bad days. 

They sat beside one another, talking and laughing, the tension growing between them, but Redding had been too self-concious to take his hand or lean in for the kiss he desperately wanted. His brother had finally intervened to break their mutual immobility. He'd invited Felix for lunch, knowing Redding couldnt do it, and then made sure to shoo them both off to Redding's room afterwards. 

This brought them to now, and Redding slid an arm around Felix' shoulders, keeping him snuggled against him. He glanced at the screen. "Thats what I call effective infection control!" Redding mocked as the group on screen locked their sick friend in an outdoor shed, while still not appearing to wash their hands or worry about the young man who had been 'fingerbanging' her moments before. 

"This movie is terrible." Felix groaned. 

"Isnt it?" Redding smiled. "But its actually pretty interesting in that did you notice the virginal character died first? It reverses the usual pattern." Redding said, but as he was speaking, he became aware that they were suddenly palpably close. Felix lay against him, and was looking up at him shyly. When Redding caught him, Felix blushed and looked away. 

Redding licked his lips nervously. "We could.... Do something else." 

"Yeah.." Felix blushed further. 

"Can I kiss you?" Redding asked, excitement and extreme worry fluttering in his chest. 

"Yes." Felix nodded quickly, and leaned up. Redding caught his lips in a kiss, tentative at first and then more confident as Felix didnt pull away. Redding's hand slid up unto the curly red hair, and he opened his lips to deepen the kiss, flicking his tongue against Felix' soft lips, asking for entry. 

Felix grew bolder, opening his lips and kissing him deeply. Redding's hand slid down his body. His hands were experienced and confident as he slid under the hem of Felix' shirt, exploring the bare flesh of the young man's stomach and chest, brushing his fingers against his small nipples. Felix shivered at the touch. He just held on, letting Red take the lead. 

Redding broke the kiss, ghosting several on Felix' lips before leaning down to kiss down his chin and throat. "Do you realize how beautiful you are?" He asked. 

Felix just blushed. "Red... I'm..." He flustered, and shuddered softly as Redding's fingers fit themselves between each of his ribs under his shirt. He seemed to draw back. "I'm- stop. I'm sorry." He looked down. 

"Whats wrong?" Red pulled away his hands. Felix sat up, arms crossed over himself. Redding ran his fingers through his own hair anxiously. He tried not to let his thoughts run away with themselves, but he couldnt help it. Had his misread everything? Felix didnt actually want to be more than friends. Felix didnt want him. 

Maybe Felix would have wanted him before his accident, but not now. 

Redding looked at his friend worriedly. "Did I go too fast?" He asked. "I'm sorry. We dont have to-"

"No! I mean, maybe, but its not that. Redding, I..." Felix toyed with a frayed hem on Reddings pants. "I'm just Felix from the grocery." 

"What?" Red blinked. 

"I mean, you live here in this fancy place. You're...you know.... Rich. You were a soldier. You've been everywhere. I havent been anywhere or done anything except work for my dad. I still live at home. I've never been further than London - and thats just business." He explained. "I guess I dont see..." He looked up at Redding, looking for rejection. 

Redding couldnt help but laugh in relief. "Felix... I'm not laughing at you. I promise. I just thought for a second the same thing. That you didnt want me. Felix I like 'Felix from the grocery'." He said, tugging Felix back into his arms. "I like him a lot. I like you. It doesnt matter where you've been. And I live with my brother and his husband. I think that counts as he same thing." He joked. "Just talking with you.... Just doing anything with you makes me happy." He kissed his hair. "If thats all we did, I'd still be happy, but I want to do more. I want to kiss you. I want to get you naked and see where it goes." He grinned into Felix' hair. "That ass. By the way. Is beautiful. Is that all right to say?" 

Felix snuggled against him and hid his happy blush against Redding's chest. "Thats all right to say." 

Redding chuckled. "Lets go slow though." 

"Yes slow is good. I havent... Gone all the way with anybody." Felix admitted softly. 

"Its been a while for me, and things are different, so slow works for me too." Red said. They would be discovering together. Redding couldnt stop smiling, not believing what had just happened. He pulled Felix up for another kiss, pressing their lips together gently and it was just moments later that his hands found Felix' soft, beautiful freckled skin again.


	5. Old Army Buddies

Royal Air Force base - Outside of Kabul, Afghanistan

(2005) 

"How was leave?" Captain Fritz Crawley asked as he slid off his coat. The desert night outside was chill. In the upper reaches they would have snow tonight, but down here by Kabul, it was merely a pleasant dry cold. 

"In this dirtball city? I spent the whole time drunk in my hotel room with my squad. Nothing else to do." Redding snorted. 

"Sounds significantly better than what I spent my time doing. Escort job out by Baraki Barak. Taking medical types out to that outbreak of TB. I wouldnt do that job." 

"No? I think it could be bad ass. In an alternate life I could have been....a paramedic or something. I think horrible diseases are pretty interesting." The soldier smiled. "Did you know that malaria was a primary killer in the US and London until pretty damn recently?" He asked. "...Nobody is expecting to see us until 0700 hours." He glanced to the side, catching his friend's eye. 

"Then we have time for a walk. I am glad enough not to have met Malaria until I arrived here!" Fritz smirked a bit, leading Redding into the warren of offices. A healthy stroll was not what either truly intended, but another form of exercise.

"We've been doing a lot of 'walking' lately." Redding chuckled. 

"We are champion ramblers." Fritz agreed. It didnt take them long to find an empty office far away from prying eyes and keen ears. "And I havent seen you in four days." Fritz unlocked it and ushered Redding inside, watching down the hallway to make sure they werent observed. 

Redding grinned, biting his lip eagerly as he dropped to his knees and undid Fritz' uniform trousers, yanking down the zipper. The pilot leaned against the wall, his hand sliding into Redding's short black hair, just too short to grab in his fist. 

Redding looked up, catching Fritz' striking blue eyes. Fritz was blonde, tall, muscular, filling out his uniform in all the right ways. Redding and he had eyed one another for months before they hooked up, and every second of tension had been worth it as Redding had pulled the man's hardening cock from his trousers. 

Today, they were alone in the locked office, the lights off to hide their rendevous. Outside, they could hear the hum of trucks and the distant whirring of the populated city of Kabul.

Fritz licked his lips as Redding's hand stroked him. "Think it will fit?" He raised a teasing eyebrow. 

"That joke was only funny the first time." Redding replied with a smirk before wrapping his lips around Fritz' large cock. Above him, Fritz groaned softly, curbing his noise in case their fellow soldiers passed the door. 

Redding wrapped his tongue around his girth, tasting the sweat and grit of the day's service. He bobbed his head, sliding Fritz' cock deeper into his throat. Fritz panted softly above him. "Thats it Fitzpatrick." He gasped, using Reddings surname. His large hand slid behind Reddings head and held him as he began to thrust into the soft, willing throat. 

Redding tensed involuntarily, choking. His hands bunched in the sand-coloured camouflage of the uniform, but he didnt pull away. His own cock was hard in his trousers. Fritz thrust deeply into his throat, forcing Redding to swallow to the root. He pulled back to let Redding catch his breath. Strings of saliva and precum connected the tip of his hard length of the soldier's moist lips as Redding gasped, his skin flushed with arousal and lack of air. As soon as he had dragged in a few breaths, Redding was eagerly upon Fritz' cock once again, taking him all the way down his throat. 

 

The next day, Redding was at the wheel of their large transport truck, humming a german metal song. "God what are the lyrics?" He muttered.

"Dont look at me." Fritz said, reaching for the radio to check on the rest of the convoy. Redding stayed quiet as his captain did a head count of the six vehicles. They were the lead, the most dangerous position, but the road had been quiet so far. "I speak german but that doesnt make an expert on obscure rock bands." 

"Rammestein is as mainstream as it gets. And they are Heavy Metal, not rock. How have you not heard of Rammestein?" 

"Same reason you have never seen Oklahoma."

"Thats that music they quote in Twister, right? American. Old."

"....yes." Fritz sighed dramatically at his friend's lack of international culture. "How is your brother doing by the way?" 

"I havent talked to him in a few weeks. You know him." Redding shrugged. "He makes his own schedule." 

"He didnt stay in rehab then I suppose?" 

"Nope!" Redding responded bitterly. "Whats all your sudden interest in him anyway? Since we got back." 

Fritz was silent for a little while, watching the road. "Well..." 

Redding glanced over. "You like him?" 

Fritz ducked his head, as if he was a child discovered with an illicit sweet. "I think.... We liked each other, perhaps, at Christmas, and we were emailing until..."

"Until he AWOL'ed and landed back in Rehab." Redding filled in. "He's trouble. Obviously. He goes through boyfriends." He warned.

Fritz shrugged. "Maybe he just needs someone stable. It didnt really sound like he had anybody."

"No, see, he makes YOU unstable is what happens." Redding corrected. "Whatever. I mean, if I had to choose someone for him, it would be you. You are one of the best men I know. Even with all the shit I give him, I know him and and deep down he is a good person and deserves to be happy. If he would let me, I'd fight every man who tried to hurt him. If you two get together, I trust you to protect him." 

Fritz looked at his friend in suprise. "Thank you. That means a lot."

Redding raised his eyebrows. "But dont say I didnt fucking warn you. Please, just, be careful because all those good intentions I can see clicking along in that brain of yours? How you're going to rescue the princess from himself? Well, he's going to ignore all of them and do exactly what he wants, and then come back to you all broken and confused like he didnt know exactly what he was doing the entire time." 

"That.....turned dark really fast, Red." Fritz replied. "You and him have some issues." 

"I've known him since I was born. I earned issues."

"Does he know we're-?" Fritz asked eventually.

"Yeah, so if you two still connected I guess he isnt bothered." Redding laughed. "I will miss our late night hookups though if you get together. He wont share then!" 

 

Suddenly there was unbearable heat. Pain. Redding recalled the truck lurching wildly, a deafening sound directly beneath them. He tried to move, his arms responded but something held him around the waist. 

Opening his eyes, he could barely see. He was blinking away blood. The windshield was spidered with cracks. The landscape outside didnt make sense. His ears rang. Someone was screaming his name. Arms suddenly supported him from below. 

He couldnt think. Redding found himself clinging to his rescuer's uniform. Blue eyes. 

Redding tried to focus on what Fritz was saying. 

"...an IED. Dont try to move." Fritz ordered. "Help is on the way." 

Redding couldnt focus on his voice. His eyes caught red blood dripping onto Fritz' shoulder. He followed it up to the ceiling, once the dashboard of the truck. The red rivulet ran back to his body. 

He didnt understand what he was looking at. Thoughts moved slowly as he saw blood and cracked and bent parts of his familiar vehicle. Finally he understood. It hit him suddenly, along with the pain. He was hanging, upside down, crushed by the twisted cab. The agony cut through the shock, and he couldnt hold back a scream, and then another. 

 

 

Outside Grantham, England

(2009)

Redding woke up, panicked, trapped. He fought the ghosts of that cab, the ghosts of Fritz' arms restraining him. The smell of leaking fuel was still in his nostrils. 

He sobbed with panic, kicking free of his sleeping bag, and crying out in pain as his panicked kicking set off shocks of pain all down his body. He curled up, disoriented and still unsure where he was. 

It was cold. The air was damp. A soft breeze ran through moist green leaves. 

He startled as a warm, soft nose was pressed to his ear. Daph's soft touch brought him back. She snorted with concern, nibbling his hair.

"Daph...." Redding said shakily. "Daph... It's ok." He reached up to put a hand under her chin, just holding her, holding onto that link to reality. "I'm ok. Don't worry." 

He stayed where he was, breathing through the pain and trying to anchor himself until it became too chill to stay on the bare ground. "Ok. Ok... I'm up Daph." His horse shook her mane and watched him as he sat up, shaking. "Fucking... dont need this." He sighed. He looked around camp. In his panic, he'd knocked down his tarp, and his sleeping bag was a mess. Nightmares. They didnt happen as often as before, but every time he was left panicky. 

"Shit." He sighed. Dawn was just peeking through the trees. There was only one thing to be done. Medicate, and then early start. He scooted carefully over to his bag, wincing. He found his stash of marijuana and quickly lit a joint. He'd traded tabacco for Majiuana during the first few stages of his recovery. 

He felt Daph's nose on his back and the light sound of her hoof. "No... You dont want any of this." He said, taking a puff. "You're a good girl. You take care of me." 

She snorted an affirmative, and Redding smiled slightly, reaching back to scratch her chin.


	6. October Frosts

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2016)

"Hands up!" Redding encouraged. "Hands up so I can put you in your jumper!" 

The toddler frowned, and shook his head stubbornly. He was sitting in his diaper on the rug with Redding. Chase was big for his age, and looked like he had inherited Elliot's strong european features. He'd taken only his skin tone from Redding, the man who had carried and birthed him. His soft tan was inherited from Redding's grandmother, Yukiko Fitzpatrick. 

Yukiko had died before Redding was born, but he knew she had been taken suddenly from Japan, from all she knew as a young woman and forced to find joy where she could. Their father spoke lovingly of her. She'd devoted herself to her children.

Redding's father, half-Japanese, had known nothing of his mother's language or culture. Her husband had seen her fit to be a wife, but his racism had led him to ban her passing on her culture to their children. The language, traditions, and beliefs of her homeland were stripped from her life. 

Redding had many hours to think, and he thought about her sometimes. He remembered the single beautiful photograph they'd had of her. Once Fritz and Eric had been married, it had found its place in the portrait hall of Fritz' large manor house. Redding believed she had devoted herself to wholly to her children because she had nothing else. Her husband had taken everything that had given her meaning. 

"Daddy!" Chase pulled on his shirt, pulling Red out of his thoughts. The toddler was eager to continue the refusing-to-get-dressed game. 

"What! Yes!" He put aside the little jumper. "Well you cant be naked." He pointed out. "Its too cold. So, what do you want to wear? Come see." He scooted over to where the baskets of clothes were arranged against the wall. Each coloured basket sorting socks, trousers, shirts, and sweaters. Redding held up shirts and pants in different combinations, the toddler shaking his head to each. "We're running out!" Redding protested at last. "Oh wait... I know what you want." Redding eyed him with mock severity. "You want to be a stegosaurus dont you?" 

Chase grinned. "Stegosorry!" 

"You're going to be a Stegosaurus when you grow up I think!" Redding said, tugging the right basket over and pulling out the soft polarfleece costume. It was green and yellow, with drooping fins sewn along the spine all the way to the tip of the green tail. Redding had repaired it many times. "Not much money to be made but you have to follow your passion, right?" 

"Stegosorry!" Chase agreed, and happily allowed himself to be dressed. 

"My scary dinosaur!" Redding smiled, pulling him into a hug and tickling him. The little boy squealed and kicked, and eventually wiggled free, to run down the hallway. Redding followed him, sliding along the floor that was now polished with pale trails from his passing. 

Redding listened as his son jumped on the secondhand easychair to look out the window. It always made a distinctive squeak as it rocked. "Dont fall off!" He warned as he came into the kitchen. 

"Birds!" Chase cried excitedly from the other room. 

"Oh yeah?" Redding replied. He pulled himself up onto a kitchen chair and checked what Elliot had left out for lunch. He sighed when he saw the Egg sandwiches. This was Chase's newest aversion, and lunch would be an hour of pointless encouragement which ended in Redding just allowing him to eat the bread or have a bowl of crackers instead. He looked back towards the kitchen, where locks still hung on the cupboards and fridge, keeping him out; keeping him dependent on Elliot for everything he ate. 

He felt anger tightening in his chest, but quickly he took a deep breath, pushing away the feelings. It hurt too much to get angry.

"It doesnt matter..." He muttered. "Right Red? Not important." 

He'd cooked once, for his family here. He'd cooked for Elliot. He'd enjoyed being able to take care of their new baby and his husband in that way. 

All Elliot had needed was one excuse, one slip, a single fall, and he'd taken that away.

"Not important..." Redding repeated quietly. 

"Papa!" Chase yelled excitedly. 

"What do you mean, Papa? It isnt even lunch. He cant be home." Redding lowered himself to the floor and came to join his son looking out the window. Their dented blue Sedan was coming up the uneven driveway. "I hope everything is ok. I hope he isnt sick." Redding chewed his lip, but his worry turned to a smile when he saw Elliot get out, then lean into the car and pull out a bouquet of flowers. "Lets get away from the window and pretend to be suprised!" He encouraged, and Chase nodded enthusiastically and giggled as he crawled behind the chair. "I'm hiding!" He said from the darkness and started making dinosaur noises.

"Jump out at him when he comes in!" Redding suggested. 

"Raaawr!" Chase agreed. 

Redding carefully curled himself into the chair, and listened as Elliot's heavy feet sounded on the step and he opened the door. "Hello?" Elliot was heard pulling off his boots. 

"Elliot! I've misplaced a stegosaurus!" Red smiled. 

"A stegosaurus? That sounds terribly dangerous!" Elliot came around the corner, leaning down to kiss his partner. "Happy unbirthday." He said softly, pressing the bouquet into his hands. They were a mix of small Polish wild blooms that Redding loved watching bloom in the summer in their wild yard. Redding had mourned their passing out of season a month ago as the october frosts killed even the hardiest blooms. 

Redding looked at them, and couldnt help but smile widely. "Where did you find these?" He touched the small dense petals. 

Elliot just smiled, straightening up. "So where is that runaway dinosaur?" He looked around theatrically. 

A helpless giggle came from behind the chair. Redding supressed a snort, and looked at Elliot knowingly. "I dont know where he could possibly be!" 

"Is he under the table?" Elliot lifted the tablecloth. "Nope!" He continued the search as Redding watched, slowly circling around back towards the chair. Chase could barely contain himself, bursting with giggles, and as Elliot crept closer he burst out from behind the chair. The toddler leaped on his father and was swept upwards in Elliot's powerful arms. Chase squealed as he was lifted into the air and held above his head. Elliot grinned. "You're stuck up there forever!" 

"No!!" Chase kicked delightedly. 

"Yes!" Elliot challenged. "Thats what we do with wild stegosauruses that are a danger to the community!" 

Redding smirked. "Duct tape him to the ceiling!" 

Chase squealed. "No!!" 

Elliot lowered his son and bounced him in his arms. "I suppose this one is trainable." He chuckled.

"Dubious." Redding replied. "These flowers are beautiful. Whats the occasion?" He smiled. 

"Just wanted to treat the man I love." Elliot replied, leaning down again to kiss him again, lingering on his lips. "I have another gift for you." He gently placed Chase in Redding's arms and disappeared back towards the kitchen, returning with a square package wrapped in brown paper. 

"Help me unwrap this Chase." Redding let his son help to rip through the paper, revealing an image of a mouse. The polish-language book was a mystery to Redding, until he opened it, flipping through the well organized illustrations and information on the native small mammals of Poland. "The moles!" Redding cried. "The moles will be in here!" 

Elliot watched Redding excitedly trying to find the animals he had seen in their yard and running along their floors. 

"Look Chase, this is the mouse that lives behind the dresser." Redding cuddled his son to his side. "Elliot, can you read this for us?" 

Elliot crouched down beside the chair, running his finger under each word as he read the polish name. Chase would grow up bilingual, ready to attend school in the local village. "The striped field mouse." Elliot translated. 

"Harriet the Striped field mouse." Redding said. "Though I havent seen Harriet for a few days, she might have gotten squished in the trap." 

"Good riddance." Elliot responded, standing up. "You two relax and I will get lunch ready." 

"Wait, I dont think he'll eat the egg salad. Its his latest thing." Red sighed. 

"He'll eat it. You just arent pushy enough. He needs to learn to eat what we give him." Elliot said, and disappeared for the kitchen. 

Redding watched him go, and then turned back to his son, giving him a squeeze and then lifting him to the floor. "Look at our book for a few minutes Chase. I need to talk to your Papa." Redding extracted himself from the chair and followed his husband. The floor in the kitchen was cold. Redding pulled himself into his chair at the kitchen table. "Elliot. If he doesnt like eggs Im not forcing him to eat them or go hungry. He'll come around." 

"He needs to eat whats put in front of him. You are too soft. I dont want him becoming picky when he's older." Elliot was heating up some soup to go with the sandwiches he'd left them. His back was to his husband. 

"He wont! Kids go through phases. All my nephews did the same. William refused porridge for six months and then one morning, poof, it was his favorite thing again." Redding said. 

Elliot didnt say anything. He was still, looking at the soup. "....Redding." He said warningly. 

Redding's stomach tightened with that familiar combination of fear and anger. "Sorry." He swallowed. 

He'd spoken of his life before, of his family. That was one of the rules. It was the first rule. Redding didnt have a past. Chase was never to know about his uncle, cousins, or his brother who was growing up apart from them. 

Elliot slowly came back to life, stirring the soup. "I dont want him to become picky when he is older." 

Glitch in the matrix. Red shivered. "Maybe." He watched him work, his eyes drifting up to the lock hanging loose on its loop now that Elliot was using the kitchen. The others still glittered in their line. Elliot kept the key on his key ring. "I want the locks off the kitchen. I want to cook again, and what if you're late one night? What if something happens and I need access? Locking the cupboards is too much." 

"We've talked about this Redding." Elliot dismissed him, still turned away. 

"Yeah and its absurd. I can cook. I can reach high shelves. I will sit while I work if you're worried, thats what I used to do. Let me have this!" Redding said seriously. 

"It isnt safe. I cant bear the thought of something like that happening again. You were alone for hours, with a broken wrist, with our baby." 

"So give me a phone! But I cant be trusted with that either, can I?" Red snapped back. It had just been a fall. A random accident. Elliot hadnt made even the simplest changes to make the house safe for him. With every year that passed, Elliot made Red's world smaller and Red felt the familiar panic as he wondered what Elliot would délight in controlling next. These locks mirrored the ones already keeping him from the medicine cabinet and the gun safe and the much more profound isolation of being kept apart from the world. The front door was unlocked, but it might as well be barred. He was being crushed here. 

Elliot turned, pausing to watch his husband. Redding met his eyes for a moment and saw that look. Elliot didnt even need to say it anymore. 'Do you need to calm down?' Red looked away. He caught himself clenching his fists. Redding took a deep breath and forced his hands to relax. "I'm sorry." He breathed. "It doesnt matter."

"It's all right." Elliot came over to him, kissing his love's brow. "I can see you're tired. Take a break in the bedroom, and Ill feed the little dinosaur. Ill make us some coffee and bring it in. We can find your moles." 

"Ok." Red agreed quietly, taking a deep breath before looking at that hateful line of locks once more.


	7. One of Them

Grantham, England

(2009)

"Your father knows I dont have any titles right? I'm just an unemployed ex army truck driver?" Redding chuckled, running his fingers up Felix' bare back. "Here literally because I accidentally set up my brother with someone I had no idea was an Earl?" 

Felix giggled ticklishly and wiggled, causing Redding to grin and run his fingers lightly over that spot again. Felix squealed. "Stop it Red! Im going to kick you!" 

Redding reluctantly lifted his fingers. "Ill remember that spot though." He chuckled, dragging his fingers up the back of Felix' neck instead. 

Felix relaxed, tucking his head back into the crook of Redding's shoulder. They were bare, their skin touching from head to toe. It was the most beautiful feeling, and Redding didnt want this to end. They had lingered like this for a long time, and would only be forced away when one of them could no longer resist the call of nature. Felix closed his eyes, shivering softly, even though they were comfortable under Redding's blankets. 

"You ok?" Redding asked, petting Felix softly. 

"Yeah, still just melted." Felix said happily. "Just happy." 

Redding's grin widened. "I have that effect." 

Felix swatted him softly and blushed, hiding his face in Redding's shoulder. "It's not fair, you have practice." He said, emberassed. The sounds he had made as Redding had taken his cock all the way down his willing throat as been more wanton than anything Felix had ever believed he could make. 

Redding kissed his hair. "Lucky you're dating a slut. Or an ex-slut I guess. Potential future comeback. I have certain well-practiced skills." He joked. 

"Dont call yourself that!" 

"It's true." Redding nuzzled into Felix' curls. "I say it with all affection. I didnt believe in monogamy at all. Strictly against the concept. Didnt think it was possible." 

"I think... I would have to think hard about you sleeping with anybody else." Felix said softly. 

"Dont worry, I will let you know if that might be a thing. Not currently a priority. I am only concentrating on one person right now." Redding tapped a finger on Felix' nose, causing a self-concious giggle. "I was also a jerk." He laughed, thinking back to the self who had 'run away to join the army' so many years before. 

"I certainly cant imagine that." 

"I'm still a jerk sometimes." 

Felix didnt answer right away. 

"Hey!" Redding laughed harder. "You're supposed to say 'Red you are absolutely never a jerk, how can you think that?'" 

"...but that would be a lie...." Felix giggled, and his giggle turned to a squeal as Redding tickled him again. 

Once they had gotten their breath back, they lay contentedly in the quiet room. The only sound was the distant crack of gunfire. Fritz and his oldest son, Quinn, were on the firing range. Felix was a crack shot, so the sound of gunfire brought back all the happy memories of his childhood, being taught target shooting by his father, a hobby they still shared. 

Redding's association with gunfire was not so bright, so he distracted himself by exploring Felix' bare body under the blankets. He drew circles and complex designs across his lover's chest and shoulders. "We were talking about your dad." 

"Is it weird to talk about my Da' while Im naked in bed with you?" Felix asked shyly. 

"No. Unless it's weird for you." Redding replied, lazily tracing a shoulder blade. "What problem does he have with me?" 

"Mmm, it has nothing to do with titles, its..... Your living here, being brother in law to the Earl Crawley... You're 'one of them' in his eyes." 

"One of Them" Redding echoed. "I saw that one. Giant ants. Band battling. No that was the one with the tarantula...."

"He's just old fashioned. In his day someone from the big house-" 

"Even the hanger-on brother in law."

"Even the hanger-on brother in law." Felix smiled. "Couldnt date the grocery boy. Or if he did, it was just a fling. A mistress at best." 

"But you are a very sexy grocery boy." Redding protested. 

"He's just afraid you are using me and Ill get hurt." Felix finished. "Because he cant see it any other way." 

"Are you afraid of that?" Redding asked, propping himself on his elbow to see Felix properly. 

"No." The redhead smiled. "I'm not." 

"Then it doesnt matter what your father thinks." He said, and leaned down to kiss him.


	8. Doing What You Must

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2017)

Elliot quietly opened the door to their bedroom, and smiled as he saw his husband sleeping peacefully under their worn quilt. It had been handmade by Elliot's grandmother, on a Polish farm not very unlike their own. Elliot had been able to hang onto few things in their flight from the law, but he was glad the quilt had come with them. He hoped his grandmother would be pleased with the family life he had built here. It wasnt perfect, he and Redding struggled, but it was close. 

He watched Redding's face, entirely relaxed in sleep. His black hair was spread across the pillow and strands fell over his eyes. His dark lips parted slightly as he sighed. He was beautiful, Elliot reflected, quietly closing the door so as not to wake him. 

"Chase can you come here for a second?" Elliot's voice was soft, warm, though his stomach tightened in his gut, anticipating what he was about to do. He had to. To preserve this nearly perfect life he'd fought to create. 

He came into the living room, sat down and patted the seat beside him. The little boy hopped up beside him. 

"Now that you're four, you're nearly grown." Elliot said in a hushed voice, speaking in Polish. Their little boy was growing like a weed, still tall and gangley, showing no sign of stopping. It would just be another two years before he started kindergarden. Chase squirmed proudly. 

"We need to talk about your dad." Elliot said. "Now you are getting older, I need you to understand certain things." 

"I know some things!" Chase bounced slightly on the couch. "Daddy was in a war and got hurt." Chase began the story he had heard many times. "He was driving a truck in Afghanistan, and they rolled over an IED - thats a bomb the badguys make at home and leave them where our soldiers will find them - and he got hurt really bad but Papa you were were taking care of him in England and thats how you met." 

It was a story that carefully edited out Grantham. It edited out Fritz, who had tried to sabotage Elliot's close friendship with Redding, calling it 'inappropriate' and 'unprofessional'. It edited out his love's hated brother, his nephews, his home at Grantham. Most importantly it edited out Felix, who had never been good enough for Redding. Deep down, Redding had known that. 

Elliot was the only one who had ever loved him, protected, and cared for him. 

The only part that truly hurt was leaving out Victor. They had both loved that child, and Elliot could never forgive Redding for what he'd done. 

"Thats right. You know the story." He praised his son. "But theres more." 

"More?" Chase sucked on his bottom lip uncertainly. 

"You know sometimes your dad gets angry."

The little boy nodded. 

"Sometimes he talks about people, his brother, his friend Fritz, other people. Has he ever told you anything like this? Its ok to tell me. It's important you tell me." 

Their son was quiet. Chase looked down at his feet. "Daddy said I wasnt supposed to tell. It's our secret." He put his fingers to his own lips, recalling Redding's insistance he never tell his papa. 

Elliot leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and coming down to Chase's level. "Its ok to tell me a secret. Daddy and I dont keep secrets from one another. If we are to trust one another Chase, there cant be any secrets between us." He met his son's eyes and smiled encouragingly. "Right?" 

Chase watched his father, those dark eyes desperate for approval. "I wasnt supposed to tell you about Victor.... That he's my brother. And uncle Eric, and I have cousins." 

His father listened, nodding seriously. "I'm very proud of you for telling me Chase. Very proud." He folded his hands and looked his son in the eye again. "The truth is, your Daddy is sick. These people arent real. Your daddy thinks they're real. They're real to him, but your dad has something called PTSD. Thats why he has bad dreams, and thats why he talks about people who arent real." Elliot explained. 

"Why does he have PD-" 

"PTSD" His father corrected gently. "It used to be called shellshock." 

"Why does he have shellshock?" Chase asked, frowning in thought.

"When you are very scared and very hurt for a long time, it can make you sick for many years. Your dad was very scared and very hurt in the war so this is an illness he has to live with and we have to be understanding. This is why we have to protect him. You want to protect your daddy, right?" 

"Yeah!" 

"Thats why we dont talk about your daddy to anybody. Because outsiders wont understand him like we do." 

"Anybody like who?" Chase asked.

"Teachers when you go to school, neighbours, the villagers when we go shopping." 

"Ok." Chase agreed, sounding uncertain. 

"And thats why sometimes I have to give your daddy his shot because he gets angry and cant control himself. He'll get angry and talks about Victor, and thats not good for him. I'm not hurting him even though it looks scary. He needs it, and we do it to protect him." Elliot explained. "Do you understand?" 

Chase looked down at his feet, rubbing his black and white socks together. "But..."

"Whats up Chase?" Elliot put a hand on his son's shoulder, sliding down to rub his back. 

Chase looked up at him. "But Daddy says no.... He says 'stop!' and you pick him up. He doesnt like getting picked up and you hold him tight..." The little boy trailed off, afraid and waiting for his Papa to get mad, like he did when Daddy questioned him. 

"Its ok Chase. I want to know how you feel." Elliot said. "Its the only way. I love your daddy and would never hurt him. Thats why I have to do that. He doesnt know what he needs when he gets like that, so we have to give him what he needs, and sometimes thats rest and calm." 

"Will I get shellshock?" Chase whimpered. 

Elliot's heart broke at that. He pulled his son into a tight hug. "No, never. I promise you, my little bird. We'll keep you safe. We'll watch over you always and nobody will hurt you like they've hurt your dad." 

He held his son for a little while, and then loosened his arms, holding his son gently at arms length. "I need you to promise me something." 

"Yes Papa?" Chase sniffed.

"Your daddy cant know we talked about this. Like I said, those people? Are real to your dad and he gets upset if you tell him he's sick. He wont understand, so if he tells you about them again, listen but know its just his fantasies, and then come tell me, ok?" 

Chase nodded quickly. "Yes Papa! I promise!" He gave his father a salute, and Elliot returned it proudly. 

"You're a good boy, and you're going to help me take care of your Daddy always, right?" 

"Yes! I'll protect him!" Chase agreed, proud of his new adult knowledge and responsibilities. 

Elliot smiled and ruffled his hair. "Good boy! Why dont you put on a movie and I'm going to check on your dad." 

Chase jumped off the couch and went to look through the collection of VHS tapes, pulling out his favorite, Disney's animated Beauty and the Beast. He fed the tape in and turned on the TV. They got no channels without an antenna. Tapes were their only television. 

The little boy settled on the thick rug that Redding especially liked. It was warm, even in the coldest months, and Elliot had often come home from work to Chase and Redding curled up on the rug together under a blanket, watching Twister for the 300th time. 

The thought made Elliot smile. He lingered as his son fast-forwarded the trailers for films long ago released. He finally got up, passing by the bookshelves filled with their handsome collection of english and Polish literature. He was proud of the collection he had curated for his little family. He could tell by feel as he ran his fingers along the spines which ones Redding had read again and again, and those he ignored. Elliot's love had a distinctive way of bending the book back on itself, leaving a groove in the spine that punctuated the line of books under his fingers.

Elliot quietly opened the door and closed it behind him. He went and sat gently on the bed, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder. Redding made a soft sound and sighed, his eyes fluttering. "Hey...." He yawned and smiled sleepily. 

"How are you feeling?" Elliot asked softly, reaching up to tuck strands of hair from his love's face. 

Redding leaned into Elliot's side, closing his eyes to the soft touch and humming happily. "A bit better."

"How is your stomach?" He asked. Elliot had been watching his love's pain get worse over the last year. It was hard to tell what was doing it. Elliot's professional knowledge had long ago been exhausted. He wasnt a doctor. He researched and researched, but he'd still felt helpless. 

Finally when Redding could barely care for their son anymore, Elliot had upped the already high daily doses of narcotics. He couldnt see Redding suffer anymore. Couldnt listen to him begging for something, anything, to cut the pain. This was doing something. Finally the man he loved could function again, but they were beyond the maximum doses. What he was taking now would kill someone with a lower tolerance. 

Redding was adjusting to his new meds, and he'd barely been able to eat for days, nausea making it impossible, but today, the side effects seemed to have been ebbing. 

"Mmmm... Better." Redding replied. "But not like..... Full course spagetti better.... Maybe toast better." He yawned. "How are you?"

"I'm glad." Elliot leaned down, wrapping his arms gently around him, kissing his love's ear and then his neck. "I was having manly chats with chase." 

"Oh yeah?" Redding chuckled, enjoying his husband's attentions. "About what?" 

"This and that. Girls." 

"And boys..." Redding smiled. "But I think we dont have to worry about that quite yet." 

"Maybe not." Elliot agreed, nuzzling Redding's shoulder through his soft tshirt fabric before leaning his cheek against him. "Do you want to sleep more?" He asked. His lover had been kept up several nights in a row, and was making up for it now.

"Possibly..." Redding was already drifting in his arms, his voice distant. Elliot felt his love's breath lengthen, and his body slowly relax as he surrendered to sleep. Elliot just enjoyed listening to his breathing, wondering at the trust Redding now had in him. He was happy. 

Years ago, Redding had fought even sleeping in the same bed. Elliot could remember the feeling of fear and hatred telegraphed through Redding's body as Elliot touched him. 

They had worked so hard and long to get past that, and every moment of struggle had been worth it, for this. 

This. Was beautiful. And Elliot would do whatever it took to make sure this never changed. "I love you." Elliot whispered before quietly getting up and going to join their son.


	9. Brothers

Grantham, England

(2009)

"How is Felix?" Eric asked, picking around the edge of his sandwich, peeling off the crusts. They sat outside under a flowered arbour, enjoying the first day of school, when the two older children were away and the weather was just passing into the pleasant cool of September. The two youngest were with their nanny in the grass, where Eric could see them. The soft cooing of Nanny Amelia to her small charges was the only sound apart from a distant fountain. 

Eric was a slim man, dressed simply but elegantly. His long, naturally glossy, pin straight black hair was tied up in a deliberately disordered bun that revealed the beautifully dyed pink and blue layer beneath. Like Redding, his slightly tanned skin and almond shaped eyes gave him an exoticism that was hard to pin down. Redding had mixed feelings about the mystery, after years of "but where are you really from?" when the answer was "Bristol." 

Though he and Redding were identical twins, there was no mistaking the two of them. They shared the basic mould, but had taken it in very different directions.

To his right sat his husband, The Earl of Grantham. Fritz was an imposing man, which belied his gentleness. His eyes were a striking ice blue and his short hair a clear blond. The man was a head taller than the twins, and broader at the shoulders. Fritz was muscular, but it was the result of deliberate sculpting rather than heavy labor. Redding had preferred it when the muscles were from the brutal physical regime of being in the RAF, but he still wouldnt have said no if Fritz wanted to relive some old mémories. 

Redding found himself distracted by Fritz. One should try not to have sexual thoughts about one's brother in law. Surely that was in the rule book somewhere? He cleared his throat. "He's good. His dad is working him into the ground though. Preparing him for future workaholism." Redding smiled. He was already finished, barely touching the hardy whole wheat meat and cress sandwich. 

"Is that all you're going to eat?" Eric asked, and his twin brother shrugged. 

Fritz cleared his throat and caught his husband's eye. Eric took the hint in stride and stopped disassembling his meal. Fritz and Eric had a continuing diologue about what was appropriate behaviour for the husband of an Earl. Eric's relatively new status as Count came with a variety of expectations. It seemed like Eric had won on the retaining his pink and blue hair, as long as he paid a professional to do it, but had to concede to table manners. 

You can take the girl out of the middle class but you cant take the middle class out of the girl. Redding thought. Luckily, Fritz made no such class demands on him. He wasnt of enough status to behave, but he was apparently enough status to make Felix' father nervous. 

Fritz took a sip from his glass of cider. "He will own the grocery when his father retires. He has to be prepared." 

"I thought business ownership was just hiring good managers and then letting it run?" Redding joked. 

"If only. Much like property management." Fritz raised his eyebrows and gestured to the vastness of the manor grounds. Beyond the tree line of the garden, there were farmers fields, ever smaller as Fritz invested more heavily in homes. The ancient farmers cottages couldnt support the ever growing cost of maintaining the declining manor, so Fritz had turned to rental units instead as the town of Grantham turned from agrarian paradise to a commuter town of the nearby cities. Fritz had returned to his childhood home when he and Eric had married, giving up his career in the military in favour of embracing his ancestral responsibilities to try and maintain the money pit of a manor. 

"You do work hard." Redding admitted. "I cant understand how you drive a desk all day. Who goes from the military to property manager?" He leaned back in his chair, his eye distracted for a moment by a little finch as it alighted among the vines above his head. The red and grey bird hopped along the bough looking for caterpillars. "Havent seen one of you in a while." He observed. 

"I do miss it." Fritz agreed. "But someone has to look after the old battleship." He followed Redding's eyes politely. "Robin?"

His brother in law shook his head. "Chaffinch. He'll be migrating soon." Fritz at least pretended to be interested in his wildlife. Redding appreciated it. 

Eric got up as the three year old began to fuss. He knelt down and after a few quiet words to Amelia, he took the little girl gently from the nanny. "Whats wrong my heart?" He asked, rocking his body back and forth gently as he brought her back to the table. The little girl had beautiful chocolate skin and tightly curled black hair with little glittering butterfly clips in it. "I want to sit with you." She said, seeming happy enough now to be with the family. 

Eric frowned at her. "Then ask. You can use your words Mallory." He tapped her nose lightly with a finger. 

"Sorry." The little girl sighed. "But can I stay?" 

"Of course my love." Eric settled her in his lap, an arm wrapped around her. 

"You should come up later and play Katamari with me." Redding winked at her, and she wiggled with excitement at the offer of the surrealist ball-rolling video game. 

"ONLY Katamari." His brother warned. "And not too long. She doesnt need to stay indoors all day."

"She is far too young for Grand Theft Auto! And I wont keep her all afternoon." Redding huffed, and leaned conspiratorially towards the little girl. "Listen to the fun-police there Marshmallo." He said, in a false whisper.

"Whats the Fun-Police?" The little girl giggled. 

"Someone who sees people having fun and wants to ruin it." Redding replied with a grin. 

"Fun-Police!" Mallory repeated delightedly. 

Eric shook his head. "Dont fill her head with that Redding." He chastised. "There is plenty of fun that goes on around here that I could get on you for, but I dont, so respect my rules with the kids please." 

"I do respect your rules Eric, jeez." Redding furrowed his brows. "And what fun is that?" 

Eric simply picked a tangerine from the table and gave it to Mallory, letting her begin to peel it with interest.

"I guess I dont get to know." Redding leaned back and watched his brother, irritated at being ignored.

Fritz looked between them, and got up. "Well, I'm all done. Shall we go play for a while with your brother my beautiful pumpkin? I will see you two later?" He asked, holding out his hand for his daughter. She took his hand happily, stuffing pieces of tangerine into her mouth with the other. 

Redding looked at Fritz' half-finished cider and lunch. Fritz sensed when it was safer to get out of dodge. His meal was a small sacrifice for his own peace. Smart man. Redding nodded. "I'll see you later Fritz. We still on for this afternoon?" 

Fritz helped her hop off of Eric's lap and returned his nod. "Come hell or high water we are riding this afternoon, no interruptions this time." He promised. Fritz and Redding had been trying to spend more time together, but family and work crisis had interfered whenever Redding's health hadnt. "You two be nice." 

Eric straightened his daughter's dress and patted her hair smooth before allowing her to lead her daddy away. "We always are." He said, which brought a snort from Red. 

As soon as Fritz and the little girl were out of ear shot, Redding settled his eyes on his brother. "You have a problem with my weed smoking." He stated. He knew his brother. Eric didnt need to say it directly. 

"I dont like it being in the house. I dont like drugs in the house." Eric said. "Quinn is more than old enough to be experimenting. Has he asked you yet?" 

Redding and his teenage nephew had already shared their first joint, but he certainly wasnt going to tell his brother that. "No, and whats the big deal? I smoke it for legitimate medical reasons, it isnt my fault it isnt legal." 

"Its a gateway drug. Its what I started with, and we already have god's green acre of narcotics in the house." 

"Yeah, and I cant do anything about that!" Redding snapped back. "What is this actually about? Is it actually about the kids experimenting? Because they will find a way whether or not I give it to them!" 

"So you have?" Eric demanded. 

"No- fuckit, yes! Yes! I let Quinn try it! He's a teenager! Its a normal thing to do!" 

"I made it clear to you to keep your drugs away from my children, and you ignored that!" Eric said angrily. "You are putting my children at risk, for what?" 

"Thats absurd! Your kids are fine!" Redding retorted as he eyed the door to the inside, but he knew his brother was faster. There was no bailing from this, and if he was honest with himself, he didnt want to. 

"Look at me at least!" Eric said. 

Redding turned back to his brother, now ready for a fight. "I couldnt possibly damage Quinn more than you already have." He watched that one hit his brother. 

"That was... That- how fucking dare you? You have no leg to stand on Redding! Where were you when I needed help?" He demanded. Eric was holding a fork in his tightly clenched hand. 

Redding raised his lips in a snarl. "It's always about you! It always has been! Where was I? I was taking care of our father, who you abandoned me with! You ran off to have a life, this supposed glamour life in the city - which boy you fucked up - while I was stuck at home with his drunk ass as he killed himself slowly!" Redding slammed his palm down on the table, and flushed deeper when they nanny startled at the sound, and then busied herself, desperately trying to appear as if she hadnt been eavesdropping. He got up, grabbing his crutches and heading inside. He knew his brother would follow. 

"We were thirteen! I was a kid!" Eric got up, throwing down the fork. "Let go of dad! He died years ago!" 

"So was I! If we were still kids I'd kick your ass right now like I used to! Give me one reason Eric and I still will!" Redding paused at the door. "I'm glad its so easy for you to forget Dad! But I cant!" He shouted. "I cant forget the man who was never once there for us! After he died I was stuck watching you do the same to your kids! You were too high to be a parent! Quinn was their mom! No matter how I tried, you wouldnt let me in!" 

"You didnt try! It was Fritz who showed up, not you!" Eric yelled now that they were in the safety of the house. Staff would still hear, but they were far more discreet. "You could never kick my ass even then!" 

"I tried for years! Years! And you stole from me, ignored me, and hated me. I gave up. Yeah. I did. I'm human! I can only take so much!" Redding didnt have a destination. He stopped, leaning in a doorway, tense with anger. He glared at his brother. "You left me alone with him and never came back! You dont get to complain about my abandoning you Eric. You fucking dont!" He growled. "Hit me now and we'll see who wins! It probably isnt acceptable in polite society to have a black eye!" 

"Well Im here now. I didnt abandon you this time! This whole family is here for you!" Eric cried.

"Fuck off! Fritz to the rescue! Do not pretend you wanted me here! This wasnt you!" Redding snapped. "I dont know where I am. Am I here for you? Fucked if I know! I'm going to go smoke some drugs honestly, because I cant have this conversation with you anymore, and if you want to stop me, go ahead! Otherwise go to hell!" 

Eric looked at his brother, the look a mixture of rage and hurt. He turned away suddenly and walked stiffly towards the grand staircase. His angry footfalls and the slamming door of his bedroom were loud enough to be heard down where Redding remained. 

Redding sighed. His chest was heavy with resentment as it always was after they dredged up the past. He turned towards his room, thinking only of escaping to the garden to sooth the painful knot of anger with his drug of choice. 

As he turned into the hallway, he saw Felix. The man had his hands clutched anxiously together and an expression that Redding had never seen on his face before: fear and hurt and confusion. 

Felix swallowed. "I'm sorry!" He said. "I shouldn't have listened! I was just coming through to meet you. Raphael said you were in the arbour. I just wanted to say hi, you said it was ok to drop by! I- and then I heard you two and didnt know what to do!" He babbled, ashamed and emberassed by hearing something so intimate. 

Redding had to take a deep breath before he could handle this. He was able after a moment to come towards him. "Felix, Felix, it's ok. It was nothing I promise." He said, leaning to one side to put a comforting hand on his cheek. 

"Are- are you ok? It sounded-" Felix swallowed. 

"I'm fine, just pissed. We'll all be fine by tomorrow." Redding tried to reassure him, he furrowed his brow. "Did that really scare you?" 

"Would he really hit you?" Felix asked quietly.

"No! God no! And if he did Id pay him back!" Redding pulled him into a hug. "Come on, lets go outside I think we both need it." 

Felix hugged him tightly. "Redding if you ever dont feel safe here, Im sure my Dad- we can figure something out." 

"No! No!" Redding pulled back to look at him seriously. "Dont ever think that! I'm fine, thats just how we talk in my family. He's fine, I'm safe. We're Scotsmen! We fight!" 

"Is that... How you always fight?" Felix asked hesitantly. 

"Yes. I promise you I'm fine. This is nothing!" Redding tried to reassure him. "When we were twelve he pushed me down the stairs! I have never let him live that down!" He chuckled, but his joke fell flat. 

"He pushed you down the stairs?" Felix regarded him, appalled. 

"You and your brother never did anything like this?" Redding tried to understand Felix' anxiety.

"No, never... But he died when I was ten so...."

"This all started way before we were ten!" Redding sighed. "Lets just restart once we get some weed into us, yeah?" He pulled Felix into a light kiss. "Yeah?"

"Your brother doesnt like the weed..." Felix looked upwards nervously, invoking the Count, who was now in his room. 

"Please dont worry about him. He's fine. He doesnt have a problem with you, just with me. He loves you. He thinks you are good for me." Redding said quietly, holding the back of Felix' head and pressing their foreheads gently together. 

"Did he really say that?" Felix asked. 

"Yes. He did." Redding smiled. 

"He likes me?" 

"Specifically he said I'm less of a grumpy asshole when I've had my Felix time." Redding laughed. 

"I... Have never heard him swear." Felix said suspiciously. 

"Until today." 

"Until today." Felix conceded. 

"He doesnt in front of you. He behaves like a Count when people are watching." 

"Felix time..." Felix giggled. 

"I swear its true. You are the only one who can break down my thorny grump exterior." Redding kissed him again. "You ok?" 

"Better." Felix smiled shyly. 

"Good. Come on." He tilted his head towards the back door.


	10. Riding of the Witch

Grantham, England  
(2009)

Felix lay against Redding's back, his arms loosely around his lover's waist. His fingers rolled gently in the knit of Redding's jumper, and he lay his cheek against Redding's strong back. Felix could feel his quick breaths, the vibration of his gasps and soft curses as his video game avatar hit or missed her enemies on screen. 

He never wanted to let go. Redding was safe here, now, with Felix alone. They were both safe. He knew Redding would fight for him if anyone threatened Felix, after overhearing the fight today Felix could imagine Redding spitting venom, snarling what Felix could never say in his own defence. The idea was.... Thrilling and upsetting at the same time. He had never seen that side of his lover. 

His own safety wasnt what so preoccupied Felix however. Since the fight, a dark worry had been growing, that Red wasnt safe. Though the awful fight between Redding and The Count had only been hours before, the seed had grown in Felix over the last few weeks. It was a cloud of fear he hadnt been able to assign a cause to, and after today, he felt like he almost had all the puzzle pieces, and the picture it was building was awful. 

"Fe'?" Redding lifted his head to rest against Felix' hair. 

"What?" Felix blinked. 

"I asked, do you want to play?" Felix could hear the slight smile in Redding's voice. 

"No, Im ok." He nuzzled Redding's back, the soft knit smelled of laundry and it's wearer. He sighed into the soft wool. 

"You all right Felix?" Redding put aside the controller "You've been a ghost since Eric and I argued. Is that still upsetting you?" 

"It isnt just that, I-" Felix hesitated, filled suddenly with anxiety. If anything bad was happening, Redding would tell him, right? Did he not trust his lover? Images of Redding's anger and hurt filled his mind. That voice from earlier, the frightening anger and deep betrayal could be turned on Felix, and it would be his fault for not trusting Redding. 

"You're lost somewhere." Redding ran his calloused fingers over Felix's more delicate ones, and rested those experienced hands on Felix' arms. Redding's hands did so much of what his feet and legs couldnt. They were strong but gentle. Felix felt safer than he had in a long time when held in those hands. 

How could he have imagined for one second that Redding could ever make him the focus of his anger? Felix felt a confusing stab of guilt. "I'm sorry." Felix said softly.

"For what?" Redding brought one of Felix' hands up to his lips to kiss it fondly. 

"Nothing." Felix blushed. 

"Whats on your mind?" Redding asked. 

"I'm worried... You'll think- you'll be angry. That I dont trust you." Felix said miserably. 

"Why would I think that?" Redding asked. Felix could feel him tense up against him, and Felix was gripped with worry. 

"It's nothing big!" He hurried to explain. "Its stupid. It's just, you said earlier that Eric would never hurt you. You would tell me, right? If anything was happening?" He asked worriedly. "This month, things have been happening."

Felix rushed to fill Redding's silence. He tightened his arms around his lover. "Those nightmares, the ones where someone is on top of you, hurting you." Felix spoke so fast that Redding had no time to interrupt him with fresh denials. "And the bruises. The weird ones. It all happens when Im not here."

Felix licked his lips and stumbled. "I feel crazy. I am crazy. Nevermind." He flushed and hid his face against Redding's back, ashamed and panicked.

Redding was silent, and with every second that passed, Felix became more convinced he had just torpedoed his relationship with the man he loved. Felix had never felt good enough for the strong, handsome, ex-soldier. This would prove it. 

Redding took a deep breath, and Felix could feel his chest expanding. Felix couldnt shake the conviction that this was the last time he would feel that. His lover sighed. "I feel crazy too. I swear to you it's not Eric. It isnt, but... Something is happening." He sighed. "I couldnt say it. It just felt too insane. What is this, twilight? Is a sexy vampire climbing into my room at night and-" Redding shuddered. "I wake up and I hurt like its real. But dreams can do that.... Right?" 

Felix drew in a shakey, grateful breath, his relief growing with every word that came from Redding's lips. He blinked back tears. Though the words that Redding was saying terrified him in other ways, Felix was overwhelmed with love, with this second chance. "Red..." Felix whispered into his back, hiding his tears in the knitted fabric. 

"You're not crazy to be scared. I'm scared..." Redding admitted. "It's like the old legends, where a witch rides you and fucks you and tortures you every night until you're afraid to go to sleep. They sit on your chest so you cant breath." Redding said distantly. Felix shivered, recalling Redding describing the nightmares. Suffocation under a weight. The attacker never spoke. Faceless, voiceless, gentle even as he violated and hurt.

"The bruises." Felix pointed out. Redding had shrugged them off as riding injuries he didnt recall getting, but there had been an edge there, as if Redding hadnt even believed his own rationalizations. 

Redding continued his story. "They keep you from sleeping for so long that you get sick and eventually die. You've pissed off the witch somehow, and this is their revenge." He said. Felix could feel him tense, recalling the nightmares he woke up recalling only dimly, but that made him sick with fear. "I try to stay awake and I cant. When you're not here, I try to stay awake but it's hopeless with all the shit I take at night. I was thinking about going off my sleeping pills, but Elliot talked me out of it. Mr. Rationality himself.... They're just nightmares." He sighed, hanging onto Felix. "He says they'll pass. He figures its the stress of training... Spending so much time alone camping, but it never happens out there. It only happens here."

"I can stay tonight..." Felix offered. It meant going to work straight from here in the morning, but he couldnt imagine leaving Redding now he knew the terror he felt at night. Felix felt a fresh stab of guilt for not knowing until now. "But Red what is this? Are they nightmares or is.... Someone actually hurting you?" 

"Thats crazy talk. Its not possible. Much more likely is it's my brain. I'm just crazy. Actually, diagnosed crazy." Redding laughed bitterly. "It doesnt fucking end. Thats what the doctors think is wrong with me now. They dont know why I still hurt so bad. They dont know why I cant balance. It's all in my head. More therapy. More therapy." Redding said angrily. "So if my messed up brain can do all this, making my dreams reality seems like another horrible symptom of it all." 

Felix frowned. "But the bruises." He insisted. 

"That can happen. Your body manifests it all. Psychosomatic injuries. Bruises with no cause is literally a symptom. It's called Complex Regional Pain Disorder and it just means they dont know shit. Bruises, pain, loss of balance, nightmares. It's all there." Redding argued. "I'm going mad."

Felix nuzzled him quietly, frowning in puzzlement. "I guess...." He said uncertainly. "I'm just afraid. This feels wrong." His gut was telling Felix something powerful, but he doubted himself. He couldnt tell the difference between meaningless anxiety and the true gut sense of danger. "Something is wrong."

Redding was silent again. "I know." He said finally. "I know." He sighed and leaned his head back against Felix'. 


	11. Victor

Jarpen, Sweden 

(2010 )

"Shhh... Its ok little Tiger. Come on Victor... We gotta be strong." Redding murmered as he rocked his son, but the baby continued to whimper. He was picking up Reddings tension. Little Victor missed Felix, the only other parent he had known. The baby knew they were in a strange place, somewhere they werent supposed to be, with a man his daddy feared.

Redding was scared and angry, but he tried not to show it as he watched Elliot pacing nervously. The tall man prowled around the motel room. He looked out the front curtains for the sixth time.

The room was modern, on the ground floor, with a kitchenette where Elliot had clumsily prepared Victor's bottle. He had rocked and held the infant carefully, introducing himself as Victor's papa. Redding had internally snarled when Victor touched his infant, and was sickened by Elliot's presumption of fatherhood, but he was too intensely drugged to stop him.

Redding had only come out of the drug fog an hour or so ago, and was at least able to get his baby back and reassure himsef that Elliot hadnt done anything to the vulnerable boy. Time was hard to pin down. He wasnt sure how long he'd been sedated. He had no idea where they were, but as Elliot peeked out of the curtains, he could see the stark snowy mountains that surrounded them.

His memory of the last days was foggy and fractured. It was a series of disjointed and fearful memories. The last clear memory he had was of sitting down to lunch with Felix and their son. Felix had been busy with helping his father the last few months as the opened a new store location in a nearby town. Redding and Victor had barely seen their partner and parent, so the family had taken advantage of Felix' day off to visit the Nottingham zoo, just a 45 minute drive from Grantham. The day had been beautiful. It was perfect. It was the first day in a long time he hadnt thought about Elliot. They'd stopped for dinner on the way back, and thats where things got hazy.

He recalled Felix rushing to the bathroom, sick. Poisoned, Redding guessed. Redding had been holding Victor. He might have been going to check on Felix, Victor in his carrier on his chest, or where was he going? He'd felt dizzy, leaning against the wall. Then Elliot. He'd tried to get away. He couldnt speak to tell anyone what was happening. He'd been unable to resist. Unable to scream. The car. The mountains.

The other restaurant patrons had probably only seen a man helping his drunk boyfriend out to the car. They didnt see a kidnapping. It would have been easy to slip something into their drinks.

Too easy. He should have been watching. He should have known. He should have been able to defend his family against this man.

Redding continued to make calming sounds to his son, switching him to one arm and looking at his surroundings, searching for any information or opportunity for escape. He reached over to the bedside table, and pulled the information sheets towards him. The sheets were in what might be Swedish, or Danish. Redding cursed his lack of European languages. If these had been in Dari, Arabic, or French he would at least get the gist, but he couldnt even identify the country they were in. Even so, it was obvious enough that he was looking at a list of the local attractions. The picturesque mountain lakes and gondola would seem far more appealing in another circumstance.

"What are you doing?" Elliot asked sharply.

Redding stiffened, dropping the paper and wrapping his arms around Victor protectively as Elliot approached. Redding glanced back at the paper. "Thinking of doing some sightseeing since we're here." Redding shrugged, keeping his voice steady.

Elliot surprised Redding with a smile. "Welcome back. Thats the Redding I know." He said, and sat down on the bed beside where Redding was tucked against the headboard. Redding was not smiling. Elliot looked at the baby.

Victor was a chubby, normally alert and happy baby, but now he whimpered and shrank against his daddy. He took in the world with his wide dark eyes. His hair was black, his skin fair. Most people saw Redding in him. They shared the black hair and dark eyes, and his fair skin was easily explained by a fair skinned parent. Those who didnt know, saw Felix in him too. Few people looked further. Redding never corrected them. They didnt see what Redding saw. The baby took after Ellliot powerfully. The dark hair was Elliot's fine strands, his skin the Wintery Polish complection. Redding struggled sometimes not to see his rapist in his son's face.

Redding held his son tightly, tense with their kidnapper so close. "Elliot where are you taking us? What did you do to Felix?" He asked.

"Felix doesnt matter now." Elliot reached out to the baby he had fathered. "He's gone."

Redding knocked away his hand, jerking Victor away from Elliot sharply enough to startle the baby into a wail. "Stay away from my son!" He growled.

"He is our son." Elliot said levelly as the baby screamed. "Ours. We made him, and he's beautiful because he is us. We're going to be a family like we were meant to be."

Redding stared in horror. "You're mad. You raped me! WE didnt make anything!"

"Be quiet!" Elliot barked, looking anxiously towards the thin walls they no doubt shared with innocent travelers, and then again to the window. "Our situation is delicate, it's-"

"No!" Redding turned to pound on the wall. "Hey! Help!" He began to shout. Elliot grabbed him, his arm going around Redding's throat. He dragged him backwards away from the wall on top of himself. "Be. Quiet!" He hissed in Redding's ear, cutting off his breath. Victor was screaming in terror now. His father held him tightly in one arm, while he clawed at Elliot's arm with the other. Redding elbowed his attacker with all his panicked strength and drove the wind out of him. Elliot cried out and loosened his arm just enough for Redding to drag himself away. Redding turned and swung his fist, landing a brutal punch in Elliot's face. He swung again and again, until Elliot was able to grab him by the shirt and throw him off the bed onto the floor.

Redding curled protectively around his baby for a heartbeat before he could force himself to his knees, and then to his feet. He lurched towards the door, grabbing it and fumbling with the lock, almost falling out into the cold sunlight when it opened suddenly. He caught himself against the door frame and looked back. Elliot was just getting off the bed, clutching his bloody face. "Redding! Get back here!" He shouted, blood dripping down his face and running down his throat, the red stark against his paleness. Victor's screams only added to the terror of the situation.

His prisoner didnt linger. Holding onto the wall, he made his escape into the blinding sunlight. He pounded on any door he found. Shouting for help in any language he could recall. He likely only had seconds before Elliot caught up. Finally, a door opened behind him, and a woman stepped out, her husband behind her. Redding saw Elliot break into a run behind them, and made a snap decision. He thrust Victor into the woman's arms. She cried out in surprise, taking the terrified baby. Redding pushed her back into the room. "Go! Take him!"

The husband shoved Redding away as he appeared to attack his wife. Redding stumbled back, falling hard to the ground. "Victor Fitzpatrick! His name! Get inside!" He gasped. Seeing Elliot, boodied and enraged, the woman screamed and darted back inside. They slammed the door just as Elliot reached them, pounding his hands into the door and demanding they let him in.

By now, they were attracting attention. Other motel customers had come out. One was on their phone, maybe to the police. Redding backed away along the cold concrete of the parking lot. Hope bloomed that this might be over.

Seeing all the eyes on them, Elliot backed away from the door, leaving streaks of blood on the white panels. The wild look in his eye was chilling, and Redding tried to get to his feet before the man reached him, but Elliot grabbed him, dragging him up and slamming Redding back against a car. "What have you done?" He demanded. "Redding, what have you done?"

"He's not yours!" Redding snarled back.

"We have to go!" Elliot held him bruisingly by the upper arm and dragged him towards the car. Redding refused to move, dragging on the ground and lashing out again.

The tourists only stared. They made no move to help, paralyzed in the face of this violence.

Elliot backhanded him hard, and in the brief second that Redding was stunned, he grabbed him under the shoulder, and yanked his arm back behind him. He forced Redding to his feet in the painful hold. He struggled and shouted for help, but nobody came.

Redding was forced into the back seat. Elliot disappeared for only seconds to gather what he could grab from the room steps away before he was starting the engine and gunned out of the parking lot.

Elliot was breathing hard, looking in the rearview for pursuit. Redding had to get his breath back, and just as he considered attacking Elliot, he felt the car lurch as he suddenly pulled to the side. Elliot got out for a moment, and when he came back, he was shakily drawing something into a syringe. He didnt even take time to examine the dose, he was too busy checking the highway for imagined police vehicles. Redding panicked at the sight of the needle and got the opposite door open to escape into the road.

"Dont fight me Redding. Not now. I dont want to hurt you." He said, grabbing Redding by the leg and climbing on top of him. Elliot may not have been a fighter, but he had years of manipulating Red behind him. "I never wanted to hurt you." He plunged the needle into the muscle of Redding's thigh before his prisoner could land a blow, and the drowziness hit almost immediately.

Redding felt as if his limbs were heavy, and his world began to blur around the edges. He panicked at the feeling, but soon he couldnt even feel that emotion. "Victor was never yours..." He managed, needing to get in that final dig while he could still fight even in that small way.

Elliot didnt react, just returned to the driver's seat and started the car again. He looked at Redding once more as he pulled back out onto the highway. "I trusted you too much. Our son..." Elliot seemed to choke, unable to address it yet. "You'll never get a chance like that again Redding. Until you prove you can be trusted, I'm going to have to take measures." He explained. "I only wanted what was best for us all."

Redding drifted in and out of conciousness for what could have been days. When he woke up, he was on a steady dose of the sedative, slowing down his thinking and making an escape attempt impossible. He couldnt even stand, and Elliot took from him the crutches that had become a part of his body. Redding would never see them again for as long as he lived with Elliot. He'd worked so hard with Elliot's help to learn to stand again, and the same man had taken that away.

Redding tried to comfort himself knowing that his son was safe, but was he? Had they caught his name? Would he be recognised? Or was he now alone in Swedish foster care, and would grow up believing he was abandoned?

Maybe he had been. Elliot pounded it into his head that he had given away their child. He'd abandoned Victor. It was hard not to wonder if that was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Cast So Far (In order of age from oldest to youngest): 
> 
> The Family:
> 
> Lord Fritz Crawley  
> (Retired Captain - Royal Air Force)  
> Earl Grantham
> 
> Lord Eric Crawley (née Fitzpatrick)  
> Count Grantham, Parent
> 
> Redding Fitzpatrick  
> (Retired Royal Air Force Mechanical Corps.)  
> "Hanger-on Brother-In-Law", Long-Range Horseman
> 
> The Crawley Kids:
> 
> Quinn, Thomas, William, Mallory 
> 
> The Fitzpatrick Kids:
> 
> Victor, Chase 
> 
> The Staff:
> 
> Mister Taylor  
> (Head Butler - Father of Three)
> 
> Raphael Messer  
> (Manservant to Fritz - Grew up in Service)
> 
> Helen L'Arc En Ciel  
> (Lady's Maid to Eric - Former Stylist)
> 
> Elliot Wilk  
> (Manservant to Redding - Former care aide)
> 
> The Villagers:
> 
> Felix Handson  
> (Manager - Handson Grocery)
> 
> George Handson  
> (Owner - Handson Grocery, father of Felix)


	12. On Horseback

Grantham, England

(2009)

"So how did it go?" Eric asked. He held his reins loosely, letting his mount set the pace. The young stallion took advantage of this laxity to meander off course towards delicious-looking wildflowers before Eric clicked his tongue and tightened the reins to bring him back. "Last night?"

His hair today was down and woven into complex braids. It was a cascade of colour that came part-way down his back. His Lady's maid, Helen, was a career stylist, coming into service late in life to serve a man who was freshly married into titles he had no idea how to live up to. They'd had to learn fast together how to live in their new world.

Helen loved to dress up her employer, and Eric was happy to serve as her doll and inspiration, letting her create works of art out of his long hair and coordinate elegant outfits that suited him better than anything he would have picked out for himself. Redding recalled his brother's eccentric dress sense as a youth in London, clashing wildly, his choices had reflected exuberance more than aethetic sense. 

Eric and Helen had become very close, and Redding couldnt help but be a little jealous of the motherly attention she gave Eric. Their own mother had died when they were quite young, neglected by their father, who had only watched while she declined. Missing that, Eric had taken to a series of older women who gave him attention, healthy or not. Helen was only the latest.

"How long did those braids take?" Redding asked. Daph was matching pace with Eric's mount, taking Red's subtle cues as she went. She was happy to have a recreational ride instead of one of the long, tiring training expeditions. Her tail swayed contentedly and her ears turned as she listened to the conversation around her. The day was beautiful, and they slowly walked through fallow fields. They were alone for miles. 

"I am afraid if you want some, we will have to get you extensions." Eric replied with a chuckle. He leaned back in mock seriousness, regarding his brother. "Fire Engine Red and black would suit you." 

"No thanks!" Redding shook his head. "I could never compete with you in the faerie princess department. I wont even try."

"They took about two hours." Eric finally answered. "All told. And I dont want any competition, so I accept this." 

"But Mallory is the princess, and Quinn is the prince, so I suppose you must be the queen?" 

"Yes. Oi!" Eric chastised his horse as he wandered off the path again. 

"He's never going to respect you if you don't keep control of him Eric." Redding observed. "You also look like a pillock who doesnt know how to ride when he does that."

"Shut up! We do fine!" Eric insisted. 

"Yeah, I can see that." Redding raised an eyebrow. 

"So?" Eric prompted. 

"So what?" 

"How did it go with Felix last night? He didnt leave until after eleven."

"How do you know that, spymaster?" Redding frowned at his brother. 

"I have my ways." Eric smirked. 

"I'm sure." Redding responded. It had taken Eric no time at all to grasp how to function in a house full of servants. Social engineering had always been his forte, it shouldn't have suprised Redding when his brother suddenly knew what the gossip was from the kitchens all the way up to his brother's bedroom. 

Redding thought back to the amazing night before. He could still feel Felix's soft lips on his own. He could still feel the warmth of Felix's constellation skin under his fingers. 

Their first....date? Was it?

Redding smiled shyly. "It went... good." 

"Lord Almighty! Details!" Eric cried. "What happened?" 

Redding blushed, which suprised and emberassed him, but his emberassment only deepened the blush.

His brother laughed, which startled the exciteable stallion into a trot, sending them ahead. Eric reined him in and circled back. "You look like a schoolboy, Redding. I have not seen you like this in years." Eric teased. 

"Or ever!"

"Maybe when we were eleven." 

"Maybe." Redding admitted grudgingly. 

"So?" Eric prompted again. 

"We made out and I tried to get him naked, and then told him I wanted to get him more naked and 'see where it went'." 

"But you didnt- you know?" Eric pressed. "That doesnt sound like you." 

"Well things are different now! Not yet. I think I moved too fast. And he's well - inexperienced, and I.." He trailed off and shrugged. 

"Not that different." Eric replied. 

"I'm not the same guy." 

"How?" 

"You got three hours or so?" 

Eric sighed impatiently. "Why are you so self-concious? You are gorgeous, well off, and your brother is Count Grantham. You are doing decently." 

"Semi-employable, grouchy, with a collection of scars below the waist Edward Scissorhands would envy, and no particular hope of ever getting much better than I am now." Redding countered. "He hasnt seen me, he doesnt know me. Not at my worst." 

"He has a giant crush on you." 

"How do you know that?" 

"It's obvious." Eric replied with complete surity. 

"We've had one date! And it was us just watching a movie on the couch!" 

Eric shrugged. Redding looked at him for a long moment, and then to his mount and the road ahead. He chewed his lip in anxious thought. He had strong feelings for Felix. He couldnt name them yet or was too afraid to do so, but there was undeniable affection. 

The idea of going further scared him. It scared him because he could think of so many ways to lose his friend, and never get the chance to kiss that freckled porceline skin again. 

"I know that face." Eric said after a long silence between them while Redding was lost in thought. 

"What?" Redding blinked. 

"Tell me what you're thinking." 

Redding made a sour face, and thought for a few moments more. "What if I scare him off?" 

"You havent so far." Eric pointed out. 

"He doesnt deserve to be saddled with me." Redding said, lightly scratching Daph's neck. "He deserves someone who isnt going to be a burden on him. Who can do everything he does. His whole life in the back of his head whenever we make plans is going to be 'is this even going to happen? Or will Red be too sick?' Nobody has any idea if Im going to be any better ten years from now. I could be back in a wheelchair by then, or worse. Who wants that in a boyfriend? He deserves someone normal." 

Eric listened quietly. "Redding, you are different, not less. You're still getting used to yourself. Dont worry about the future." 

"Dont talk like you know how this feels." Redding said warningly. 

"I dont, but I know what its like to have to get to know yourself again." Eric said. "I've only been sober for four years. I have no idea who I am. I was just 14 when it all started. A kid. And sometimes it feels like I dont even know how to be an adult now. I never learned any of that. It's scary as shit, but Fritz helped, you helped." 

"Once you let me." Redding couldnt help but interject. 

"So let Felix in! You dont have to be alone because you got hurt. You dont have to be a rock. He wants to know you." 

"It's not about that!" Redding argued, but Eric was right. Redding could barely even admit to himself how scared he was to emotionally invest in someone. 

Eric hummed softly, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, seeing Redding had reluctantly taken his point. The twins rode in silence for a while. They saw an elderly couple walking towards them on the path. Redding faintly recognised them, likely from church. The old guard of villagers all still attended the stone church every Sunday, and Fritz took it as duty that he and his family attend, as he had as a child, as had generations of Crawleys. Though not particularly religious, Eric loved the social atmosphere. He adored the ancient little church and knew every attendee by name. 

The children were less enthusiastic, they being almost the only children there. The teenage Quinn particularly hated attending, and Redding was on his side. He begged off as often as he could, citing the travel being too much, but truthfully, he hated being seen. He felt exposed in public places, as if he was the object of village gossip, stares, and at worst pity. 

"Mr. Carcross! Caroline!" Eric smiled. "How are you? You werent in church last Sunday, I was worried." 

The old man leaned on his walking stick. "Back playing up again, I'm afraid My Lord." He said. "Caroline has been taking wonderful care of me though." He smiled fondly at his wife. Red exchanged a few pleasantries, but left most of the talking to his brother as they chatted about Mr. And Mrs. Carcross' grandchildren, the weather, and then said goodbye. 

Redding glanced back at the elderly couple as they continued down the path, sharply reminded of the many comments from the well-meaning Parishoners: "You're too young to be on those things!" When they saw his crutches, inevitably followed by unwanted and often absurd medical advice, which Redding bore politely only because he cared enough about Fritz and Eric not to attack their people. 

He knew Felix didnt think of him that way, not yet, but would he? How often would Redding have to admit 'I cant do that' before Felix got tired of hearing it? Before he came to see Redding as abnormal? Not enough?

Redding waited until he and Eric were alone again. "It's mainly... I used to know what to do." He admitted. 

"How do you mean?" Eric asked. 

"Sex. It was second nature, but now Im going to have to learn all over again. I feel like I should be able to teach him, but fuck, I'm probably going to ruin the mood myself, hurt myself trying shit. He could hurt me, and he'd probably panic if he does, thinking he did something wrong. It's going to be a disaster. His first time, and Ill be a mess." 

"He's a virgin?" Eric blinked. "He's our age!" 

"Shut up. Dont sound so suprised! Not everyone jumps head first into the pool at twelve years old like you!" Redding snapped back, defending his friend. He was very protective of Felix. "Dont you repeat any of this." He ordered. 

"Dont worry. As juicy as this all is, I can control myself." Eric sighed dramatically, as of keeping the secret were a terrible burden, but truthfully, the brothers had always kept one another's secrets. Eric hummed again in thought. "If he is completely inexperienced, he wont have any expectations. You'll both feel like fools, and be on equal footing. Also... You have insisted on telling me far too many times your raunchy blowjob stories, I am guessing he would enjoy that." He suggested. "Since you made yourself out to be such an expert." 

"Best Blowjob in Afghanistan." /Just ask your husband./ Redding thought, but didnt let cross his lips this time. Redding chewed on his brother's points, feeling self-concious butterflies just at the idea of his first time with Felix. He was still deep in thought as they came back in sight of the manor, and they took the gravel path slowly towards the stables. Redding wasnt paying keen attention to their surroundings, lost in his worry when his brother interrupted his thoughts. 

"Isnt that his truck?" Eric asked. 

"Who?" Redding blinked, and felt an unexpected surge of excitement and anxiety when he recognised Felix' delivery truck by the service entrance. It wasnt his normal delivery day, but when the kitchen had emergencies, he swung by as a favour to their largest volume customer. 

Eric guided his horse close to his brother and elbowed Redding. "Go talk to him." 

Redding looked at the truck, twisting his hands in his reins. "I should." He said, and after taking a moment to collect himself, he leaned forward to pat Daph's neck. He was glad he was on horseback, at his best when he was on her feet instead of his own. "Come on girl." 

Felix was just finishing up, looking through his inventory list while standing on the back bumper of his delivery truck. He was particularly handsome in the late afternoon sun. His red hair was bright, curling wildly, and he hadnt seen Redding yet, lost in concentration. His freckles were a map across his face, his brows slightly furrowed and lips moving as he double checked his work. Redding slowed down, but Daph's hooves on the road made Felix look up, the moment gone. 

Felix smiled shyly. "Hey." He managed. Redding couldnt help but grin when he pulled up his mount and saw Felix's fierce blush. Reddings shyness was far harder see, but Felix wore his on his sleeve. 

"Hey." Red replied. "Emergency kitchen call?" He asked. 

"Parsnips." Felix said seriously. "Yes." 

There was a fresh awkwardness between them after last night, and Redding rushed to cover it. "You've never met Daph, have you?" 

"No, but you've told me about her." Felix said, looking at the beautiful animal. Daph looked at him curiously, and then past him into the truck, able to smell the fresh fruits and vegetables inside. "Can I touch her?" Felix asked. 

"Go ahead." Redding invited, and watched with a fond smile as Felix gently stroked her neck, and giggled as she turned her head to sniff noisily at him, looking for treats. 

"Hey, hey, thats enough Daph! Thats enough." Redding ordered as she made a grab with her nimble lips for the granola bar in Felix' pocket. Felix squealed with laughter and surpise, backing away a step. 

"Sorry." Redding chuckled. "She will steal your wallet if it smells like food. Are you ok?" 

"Totally fine!" Felix brushed himself off. "I love her." 

"So do I." Redding ran his fingers through her mane adoringly. "I uh-" He licked his lips. "I had a really good time last night." He looked at Felix, dropping the rein with one hand to rub the back of his head self-conciously. "And was wondering if you wanted to come over again soon. We havent even started on Japanese horror as a genre. If you want messed up, well." He knew full well they might not make it through a full movie. 

Felix' blush returned. "I'd like that." He replied. 

Redding couldnt supress a happy grin. "Great! Are you free Saturday night?" Redding asked. 

"After we close at seven. Eight. I need time to do closing, but eight I can come." 

"I'll see you then." Redding nodded, internally warring between duel excitement and an irrational belief that the more Felix knew about him, the less he'd really want him, but Redding tried to ignore the little voice that told him to bail before this got too far. "I bet you have to get to work." 

"Yeah." Felix said reluctantly. "I'm already a little late." 

"Then I should let you go." Redding said, but didnt move. Daph stood peaceably, her tail the only movement. 

"I should really get going." Felix said, but fiddled with his pen, lingering. "Do you know," He began at last. "Red, you are so handsome on horseback." Felix blushed harder still, and Redding couldnt help but laugh. 

"You are so god damn cute Felix!" Redding laughed.


	13. It's a Robot

Grantham England

(2009)

(That Saturday)

Redding ran his fingers through Felix' hair and groaned softly into the other man's kisses. He was nervous and eager. He wanted to touch every inch of Felix, and at the same moment to call it all off right now before they couldnt turn back. 

They were lit by the blue of the TV screen. They hadnt even begun their movie. Choosing had proven too much, kissing far more engaging. They were cuddled full length on the black leather couch, Red's hand sliding under Felix's shirt, and this time Felix didnt pull away. Redding pulled the other's shirt slowly over his head, and smiled wonderingly at the starscape there. The freckles gathered most thickly on his shoulders, and disappeared gradually down his arms. 

"I'm all spotty." Felix looks down, blushing in emberassment. 

"I like them." Redding dragged his finger from freckle to freckle along his shoulder. "Its a robot."

"What?" Felix chuckled. 

"I'll show you." Redding grinned, craning around, looking for something. "Pass me that pen, will you?" 

"Which one?" Felix sat up, climbing carefully over his friend to reach for it on a nearby table. As he stretched, he was straddling Redding, and Red wrapped his arms around Felix, gently pulling Felix' hips towards him. 

"The marker." Redding replied, and nuzzled Felix' bulge, causing Felix to squeak with suprise and drop the pen to the floor. Felix, off balance, grabbed the arm of the couch in a panic. 

"Sorry, it was right there." Redding was slightly muffled, speaking into the fabric of Felix' worn jeans. 

"It's- its ok." Felix gasped. Redding breathed in the smell of Felix after a long day at work. His scent was powerful, masculine. Redding could feel Felix getting hard inside the constricting jeans, and the thought of being able to arouse Felix so easily sent a shock of arousal through Redding as well. 

Redding hung his fingers off of Felix' belt, opening his mouth to trace the outline of Felix' swelling cock before he began to undo the man's belt. Would his freckles stretch all the way down there? The faint speckling on his belly hinted more. 

"Red?" Felix was shaking slightly. 

"Yeah?" Redding asked languidly, unzipping Felix's fly curiously. 

"I cant stay like this." Felix admitted with a groan, half emberassment and half arousal as his pants began to slide off his ass, revealing black underwear. "I'm about to fall!" 

"Oh shit! I'm sorry!" Redding laughed in his own emberassment. He took Felix's hips and helped him back out of the awkward position hanging over Redding's shoulder. They laughed at themselves as Felix regained his balance. The man leaned down to kiss Redding, moving to slowly settle on his hips. Redding broke the kiss suddenly. "Stop, stop. Not on top of me." He grabbed felix to stop him putting his weight on him. 

Felix yelped softly. "I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?" 

"No, Im fine, just dont put your weight on me." Redding sighed. "I'm sorry, Im a bit high maintainence." He joked, but the joke covered his self-conciousness as he worried he would ask too much. 

Felix slid off of Redding and stretched out again by his side. "I dont mind that. I want you to tell me. I dont know what to do, and the last thing I want is to hurt you." He slid his hand across Red's chest. 

Redding took the hand and kissed it lightly. "You want me to boss you around? I can do that. You can call me Daddy or Master." He challenged, distracting Felix in order to gloss over his worries and his shame at even having to ask his partner this. 

Felix flushed. "I uh- I dont...."

Redding laughed loudly at Felix' panic. "No! Nevermind! Call me Red." He smiled. "I like how it sounds when you say it." Redding slid his hand down Felix's almost hairless chest and into his pants to find the erection there. 

Felix had sighed with relief, as if snatched from the brink of a fetish he wasnt ready to consider. When Redding touching him, he inhaled sharply with pleasure. Redding watched his face, smirking a little as he watched Felix' lips part and his eyes close. Redding didnt wait long before he was pulling down Felix's pants and underwear, freeing the man's pale erection. "Beautiful." Redding breathed, looking at his freckled hips and legs toned by daily work on his feet, not by a gym. Felix's cock was long, with a pink head that sat now just below his belly button. Red whisps of hair led the eye to his similarly bright trimmed pubic hair. "Get up, I want to see you. All of you." 

"Only if you do too." Felix said, his hands sliding under the hem of Redding's shirt, tugging it upwards. 

"Oh, who is bossy now?" Redding asked playfully, and complied to pull his shirt over his head slowly. His arms were muscular, with an old tattoo around his bicep, dots and dashes of morse code spiraling around and around. His stomach was flat except for a scar that rippled in a curve towards his hip. 

Felix smiled. "I can be." He replied, his fingers following the hem of Redding's shirt to his throat and then along his strong arm, pausing at the tattoo before sliding to the tips of his fingers and taking his hand. "How else do you think I manage all my staff?" 

"I bet you are a regular drill sergeant." Redding winked. "I'd like to see that." 

"You should come see me at work. Daph can come too." Felix suggested.

"God no. I take my hermitude very seriously." He chuckled. Too exposed. The thought was frightening, even though he very much wanted to see Felix at work, to drop in on him unexpectedly and see him light up. "I've done my part, lets see you." Redding nipped at Felix' lip playfully and nodded towards the carpet. "I want to see every inch of you." 

"You havent." Felix responded, reaching for Redding's fly. Redding reached to stop his hand. Felix blinked. "Whats wrong? Did I do something?"

"No, of course not." Redding hurried to reassure him. "I'm just being ridiculous. I- Its just that it's a bit gory down there. I'm a bit of Frankenstein's monster." 

"There is no world in which you could be a monster." Felix said quietly. "Whatever it is, I promise it will be ok." 

"I'm just saying, Id understand if you didnt... Want to.... After seeing." Red couldnt look at Felix as he said this.

Felix put his hand gently on Redding's jaw and drew him into a kiss. "Red, you are beautiful and handsome and I want you exactly as you are. Its not like you hide that you were injured. I expected something, and I am still here." He insisted. "Does that make any sense?" 

Red listened quietly, leaning his forhead against Felix's. "Nobody but Elliot and the doctors have seen me naked." 

"Nobody at all has seen me naked since I was ten. So I beat you." Felix offered. 

"I'll give you that one." Redding chuckled, relaxing marginally. He took Felix's hand and guided it back to his fly, and the young man undid the button and zipper, sitting up to tug down Redding's pants. Redding sat up to help, and soon Felix was looking at what Redding kept hidden from almost everyone. He had a long list of things he hated about his hips and legs, the older, faded burns and scars from the initial attack were crossed with long surgury scars that were newer, still fresh and pink. His legs looked different than other people's, the muscles developed in strange places because he used them differently than able bodied people. Even hidden in trousers, redding could still see it. He hated mirrors and photos of himself, seeing only the flaws. 

Redding hated to look at himself, so looked instead at Felix's face, internally wincing at every fleeting expression that might be suprise, shock, or horror. Instead, however, Felix smiled shyly. "You're hard already." 

"Of course!" Redding replied, taken off guard when he had been expecting...well, rejection. "You have no idea how hot you are."

"Obviously neither do you." Felix replied, running a finger along a scar on Redding's hip. He leaned in to kiss Redding's neck as his fingers found Redding's shaft. Redding inhaled sharply. "Oh shit, yes." He breathed. Felix, stroked him exprimentally, drawing a soft appreciative moan from Redding. 

Redding sighed with pleasure. "Now take off your pants! No more Dilly-dallying and shilly shallying!" He ordered.

Felix giggled. "I have never heard anyone use that except my Grand-Da! I'll have to stop."

Redding smacked Felix's partly displayed ass lightly. "Yes obviously. I have plans for you. I have an actual cane somewhere I can shake at you! Now get moving sonny." 

Felix yelped in his fit of giggles and sat up again, wiggling out of his trousers. Redding bit his lip as he took in Felix' freckled ass and his glowingly pale skin. He was lean and toned and perfectly flawless from head to toe. 

"Come here." Redding ordered softly, and tugged Felix to straddle him, pulling his hips to him and gently taking Felix's cock in his mouth. The other man squeaked and grabbed Redding's head, his fingers curling in Reddings hair. 

"Red..." Felix whispered as the other man pressed his tongue along Felix's slit and sucked on his head before taking him deep into his throat. His throat was hot and tight around him, and Felix couldnt control the wanton moans that escaped his moist lips. Red's fingers held the base of Felix's cock, massaging there before wrapping around his balls. Felix whimpered with the range of new feelings. "Please, please..." He asked breathlessly, unsure what he was begging for. Redding let go of his balls, and pressed beneath them, and then paused. 

Redding withdrew, suprised. "You dont.... Huh." He blinked.

Felix stared down at him, dazed and confused. "What?" 

"Nevermind! I'm an idiot! Forget it!" Redding laughed at himself and shook his head. He eagerly took Felix's cock back into his mouth, and Felix had no more opportunity to ask questions as he moaned. 

Redding sucked him deep into his throat, rythmically bobbing his head, able to taste and smell Felix's unique musk from that day, and encouraged by Felix's wonderous and helpless sounds. Felix's fingers balled into Redding's hair. "Red, Red-!" He whimpered. "I'm about to cum!" He tried to pull out, but Redding kept hold of him, forcing him to cum down his throat. He let out a cry and shuddered against Redding's face. The orgasm was long, and Red slowly withdrew, milking the last drops of Felix's ejaculate onto his tongue before letting his shaking partner collapse to the couch. 

Felix stretched out against Redding, panting softly. Red watched him proudly. "You alive?" He asked.

Felix wrapped an arm around Redding. "Aye." He said dreamily. "I liked that." 

"I could tell." Redding smirked. He was sitting up against the pillows cushioning the arm of the couch, and he combed Felix's hair through his fingers. An idea occurred to him, and he looked around for the dropped marker, spotting it and able to grope for it without disturbing Felix. He uncapped the marker and began to connect the freckles on Felix's back. 

"Noooo.... What are you doing?" Felix groaned, but unwilling to move to stop him. 

"I'm drawing a robot." Redding said. 

"Nooooo. Stop." Felix groaned, but there was a playful note in his voice that only encouraged Red further. He continued to play connect the dots on Felix's back, until he had created, as promised, a wobbly robot. He grinned, proud of his art piece. "All done!" 

Felix sat up on his elbow and tried to crane to see the picture. "I cant see it!" He said. 

"I can take a picture." Redding looked around for his phone, which was never far from him.

Felix settled back against him, his head on Redding's chest, his hand straying to cup Redding's cock. "What was all that before that you seemed so suprised by?" He asked. 

"It was nothing. I just assumed, its dumb. Its nothing." Redding purred as Felix touched him. "Steady on." He found his phone on the floor, and tried to take a picture of his art piece. 

Encouraged, Felix wrapped his fingers around Redding's shaft again. "Tell me." 

Redding gave up on taking a picture, too distracted by what Felix was doing to him. "I just thought, for no good reason, since you're so....well, beautiful, you'd have an 'innie' as well as an 'outie'."

Felix began to stroke him, looking from Redding's cock to his face to make sure he was doing it right. His concentration was obvious. "What does that mean?" 

"Oh my god. You dont - God, thats good Felix. Just like that." Redding groaned. "I thought you were like me, you'd have a..." There were technical names, and dirty names, man cunt, boypussy, but none of them felt appropriate here. "...second hole." 

Felix paused, and then restarted, off rythm, his surprise and confusion so intense that it threw him off his task. Redding saw his brows knit as he tried to understand. 

Redding for a moment couldnt deal with yet another thing it seemed made him so different from Felix, reasons he might be a monster. "You know some men can have children, right? Actually bear children?" 

"Yes?" Felix replied. "I um... Have I messed this up?" He asked, stopping. 

"No! But maybe, give it a break for a second. We are all over the place." Redding covered his face for a moment, thinking. "No, you were doing good, I promise." 

"That thing you're talking about, thats super rare isnt it? You thought I...?" Felix blinked up at him. "Are you...?" 

"Go see." Redding invited, taking Felix's hand from around his cock, spreading his legs carefully, and guiding it below his balls, where Felix's fingers found a slick opening. 

Felix's eyes widened with amazement. "Wow." He gingerly explored the folds there, his finger finding the tight slit, and tracing the outside. "Wow.... I never thought... Red this is so cool!" 

Red laughed softly. "Is it cool?" 

"Yeah! I mean, does that mean you can have kids?" 

"I could I guess, but I dont want to. I dont fancy the thought of being knocked up. Dont even like being fucked that much. I'm a bit of a top." He smiled. 

"Yeah you are." Felix smiled. "I like that. You could... Fuck me sometime. I think about that sometimes."

"Mmmm..." Red hummed appreciatively at the idea. "You think about me fucking you?" 

"Yes." Felix blushed at the admission, and experimentally slipped a finger inside of Red, watching him to see how he reacted. 

Redding tilted his head back, biting his bottom lip. "Keep that just like that, and do what you were doing before." 

"Yes sir." Felix replied, and the honorific sent a suprising jolt of arousal through Red, and he reached to draw Felix close, so every inch of their bare skin was touching as Felix began to stroke him. Redding felt every touch and breath. God he'd missed this. He held himself back as he felt an orgasm growing, wanting this to last forever. He buried his face in Felix's hair as he panted. Felix's thin, nimble fingers stroked him rythmically while his other hand worked a second finger into Red. Red bit his lip hard, but couldnt hold back any longer. With a long moan, he came hard. His cum splattered onto his stomach and onto the black leather of the couch. He was panting hard in Felix's arms, and shivering with the continuing waves of orgasm. When it passed, he could only pull Felix tightly against him, and cuddle there in that warmth. He opened an eye lazily, and couldnt help but return Felix's happy smile. 

"I think Ill keep you." Redding said at last, and kissed Felix's forehead. It was as close as he dared get to /I love you./ 

"Oh yes? I might do the same." Felix agreed, and snuggled against him.

"Will you stay the night?" Redding asked. 

"Can I?" 

"Yeah. As long as you can stomach the idea of breakfast with my family maybe." Redding said.

Felix hid in Reddings shoulder. "Breakfast with The Earl and The Count? Thats terrifying Red! Just like that lunch! I didnt know what to say!" 

Redding laughed. "Ok, we can have breakfast in bed. Deal?" 

"That sounds wonderful." Felix said, nuzzling Redding's neck. 

"Deal then." Redding just held him close, unsure what he had done to get so lucky as to be here with Felix, but knowing he wasnt going to let him go.


	14. Grant me the Serenity

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2017)

The snow was deep outside. Crossed by hare tracks around the bases of the pine trees and bare maples. Zajac was the hare's Polish name. They were hard to see with their fluffy white winter coats, but sometimes Redding and Chase got lucky, especially in the early morning when the angle of the light threw them into contrast against the snow. Red's eyes rose to the sky, watching distant vultures circling. 

He leaned his chin on his hand, half-listening to four and a half year old chase as he clattered away, out of sight in the kitchen, setting up his train set. The little boy scooted around on a pillow to insulate himself against the cold floors while he played. Redding was curled up in his plush chair by the window with the antique quilt. A book was in his lap. It was Walden: but he couldnt focus on the meandering praise of rural life. Red lived it. He knew it. And he would trade his rustic cabin and beautiful property for a god damn Big Mac in a hot minute. 

It wasnt even the big mac he wanted, it was people. Just talking to the cashier would be more words with a stranger than he had exchanged in years. Being surrounded by conversation would be a wonder after having to fill the long silences with his own voice. While living at Grantham, he'd thought he hated people, and now they were what he wanted most. He craved human contact outside his son and husband. 

He tried to remember the menu of the worldwide fast food chain. Chicken nuggets, fish sandwich, fanta.... It shouldnt be this hard. Each memory was an effort now. It was the haze of the newly upped opiates. His mind was still sharp enough, but he was exhausted and easily disoriented. He had knowingly traded the pain for the unpleasant side effects. Elliot had hesitated, refusing for months, but Redding had demanded higher doses, and his husband had finally relented. It had been the right choice. Chase needed his Daddy, and without a doctor, this was all they knew how to do.

At least this once, it had been Red's decision. He'd exercised a tiny bit of control over his life, even if it was just another step towards killing himself. 

So why did that have to feel so shitty? 

In addition to always wanting to sleep, forgetting what he was doing, and struggling to recall his past, he could barely eat for the nausea, not that there was much to eat. Redding wasnt allowed to ask why the locked shelves were so close to bare. Red skipped meals willingly, Elliot did it to make sure Chase got what he needed. They were broke, dangerously so, but Elliot wouldnt even admit they were in trouble. 

The secrets were getting more frightening. Elliot came home more tense every day. Red and Chase walked on eggshells so as not to set him off, but he wouldnt tell Redding what was going on. 

Redding didnt want to think about that. What was the phrase? "Grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change." He whispered. He had picked up a few things from his brother's 12 steps to his recovery. Gleaned small wisdom from the sayings Eric had brought home from Anonymous meetings at the tiny stone church. 

There was a second half, something about changing the things he could, but that had far less relevance to his life. He couldnt change what was happening here. 

Redding settled more deeply in his chair, looking at his book, but he wouldnt be able to concentrate on the words. He sighed and looked outside again, letting his mind drift to the mice running under the snow in their little tunnels. A fox's ears were so keen that they could hear their prey running invisibly beneath the surface, and would leap across the snow to crush them from above. 

He closed his eyes for just a moment. 

And woke up to silence. No train tracks or the whirring of the little electric train. 

"Chase?" Redding called groggily. How long had he been asleep? 

There was a scraping and grunting from the direction of the kitchen. 

"Chase?" Redding shivered in the chill air. The fire had run down while he slept and the temperature in the house plunged. The coals were still red however. He could rebuild the fire quickly. He lowered himself to the floor. "Where are you?" 

He made his way into the kitchen, and gasped when he saw his son. "Jesus Christ! Get down from there!" He yelled. 

Chase had climbed the outside of the kitchen cupboards, and was groping for an antler that lived dustily in the space between the cupboards and the ceiling. The little boy startled guiltily. "Daddy!" 

"Thats dangerous! Chase! Come down right now!" Redding looked up at his son fearfully. The little boy's sneakered foot was resting on one of the locks, his other foot on a tiny ornamental shelf with a dusty jar of moss that the boy's foot had nearly pushed off. Which one would give way first? "Careful! Go slow!" 

"I almost have it!" The little boy cried. "Its going to be the forest for my trains!" 

"No!" Redding ordered. "Come down!" He could see the lock bending under the little boy's weight. Images filled Red's mind of his son falling, breaking bones, hitting his head, even being killed. If he fell, he would hit the counter first. Redding grabbed the edge of the counter, and hauled himself up, leaning on it and getting his feet under him. His adrenalin allowed him to do something he hadnt done in years. 

"Daddy what are you doing? Thats dangerous!" The child yelled. 

"Then come and stop me!" Redding challenged. "Get down here!" 

The lock suddenly ripped away from the wood of the cupboard and Chase lost his footing. He screamed and fell hard into his daddy's arms, taking them both to the floor. 

In a heap on the floor, Redding groaned and his son let out a whimper. Once he got his breath back, Chase finally let out a wail. Redding pushed himself up urgently, trying to shake off his own pain to tend to his child. "Chase, Chase, are you all right?" He said tightly. 

There was blood running down Chase's arm, and Red tried to move himself to grab the tea-towel to staunch the flow, but pain lit through him, causing him to bend over protectively and bite back a yell that would only scare his son. He took a deep, shaking breath and instead he tugged his wailing son to him, holding his own jumper to the wound. "Does anything else hurt? This is.... This is just a scrape." Redding lifted the fabric, able to see the wound wasnt serious. His relief was incredible. "Nothing broken?" He felt along his child's limbs even as the boy shook his head. Chase's sobs turned to hiccups now that he was in his daddy's arms and the shock was passing. 

Redding held his little boy tightly to his chest. "Fuck, you scared me Chase. I cant lose you. I dont want to see you hurt." Now that his son was safe, his fear and pain turned to anger. He stretched his arms, holding Chase in front of him by the shoulders. "Dont ever, ever, ever do that again! Do you hear me? You could have died!" He admonished. "And Papa is going to be just as angry as I am!" 

More. God, what would he do when he found out Redding had dozed off instead of watching their son? 

Chase sniffled. "I'm sorry. I just wanted the antler." 

Redding saw the hurt in his son's eyes, and just pulled him again into a tight hug. "I love you, just dont do stupid things, ok?" He sighed as the little boy cried in his arms. 

Red's eyes lifted to the broken lock. The cupboard door had sagged open. Spices. Not even something profitable like cookies. There was no way to replace it before Elliot got back. Even if Redding hid Chase's scrape with long sleeves and somehow washed the blood out of their clothes, the broken lock would give them away. 

"I'm sorry." Redding said quietly, holding the fabric against his son's arm tightly as he just hugged him close. He didnt know what he was apologising for. For letting this happen? For being too high, too slow, too helpless to stop his son? Maybe even for letting Elliot create this tiny world they couldnt escape. Chase didnt even know he should try. 

Chase sniffled against him, and Redding just rocked his son. He kissed Chase's hair and leaned his cheek against the fine black strands.


	15. Cold

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2017)

Several hours later...

Redding watched the fire burning. He kept it low to preserve fire wood. He glanced anxiously out the window and towards the road, searching for headlights in the darkness. The suspense was oppressive. 

It was very late. During the day, Redding told time easily by the angle of the light. At night, it was harder. The only gague on winter nights was the logs that burned slowly in the stove, and the increasing restlessness and discomfort Redding felt as he approached the time for his next dose, which was padlocked away from him. Accessible only by a key Elliot kept with him. His husband was never this late. 

Chase was asleep against his Daddy in the chair. Red stroked his loose, black hair and listened to his slow breath. The little boy's fingers slowly loosened on his Polish-language picture book and Redding caught it and put it aside before it fell and risked waking the young boy. He had been reading it to his parent, Redding following along about as well as his son. They learned each book together. Redding was looking forward to the day when he would be able to read the Polish-language novels on their bookshelf. All of the English-language books he liked had already been read to tatters. Elliot couldnt keep up with his husband's consumption of books. 

The little boy in Redding's arms had recovered from the shock of the fall, his scrape not even needing a bandage, and Redding was left just with shocks of pain when he moved. He wasnt hurt, just triggered. He knew his body, and was much closer to annoyance than worry. Chase had been the one who put their bloodied clothes to soak and swept up the wood chips torn from the cupboard door.

Redding looked out into the pitch darkness again, worried Elliot may not come home, and at the same time, afraid that he might. 

 

Elliot hunched over the bar counter, and took another sip of his beer. He hated being here, but he didnt want to be home. Elliot's hunched shoulders and refusal to make eye contact kept everyone away. He didnt want to talk to the people he knew, even coworkers. 

Not tonight. 

His hand slid into this pocket and he fingered a package there. He couldnt keep his fingers off of it. It frightened him, but at the same time it was the answer to their problems. 

Just an hour ago he had been in a smokey apartment, a boxey and airless Soviet-era concrete building he had visited every week for many years to buy the painkillers and sedatives he needed to keep Redding healthy and under control. His dealer, Ignaczy, always had always welcomed him warmly, but the last few months, as Elliot needed more painkillers he couldnt truly afford, and slid further into debt, the large man had become less patient. 

Ignaczy puffed silently on his cigarette, regarding Elliot. "I gave you credit as a friend, Elliot, but I am also a businessman. I am afraid this is very much straining our friendship." He said in his Southern, city accented Polish. It was a mystery how a man from the wealthy south had washed up in this little mountain village so far off the beaten track. Elliot had chosen the backward rural area for the privacy it afforded. Elliot had never dared ask what Ignaczy was running from.

"Give me a little more time." Elliot tried to sound sure, but the only thing worth anything that they owned was Redding's horse, and in the dead of winter, nobody had money for livestock. He'd tried, even though Redding would hate him for selling Molly. Elliot felt desperate. Redding's drugs, aquired quietly on the black market, had always stretched them to the edge, but now they had tumbled over the edge. He had cut out everything for himself, including food. He could only just afford to feed his son, and not enough for his husband. 

Elliot was failing as a providor, and he couldnt admit it even to Redding. He had no friends, nobody to confide in. He was alone with his panic and self-blame. 

"I have been more than generous with time. I think you must face facts my friend. There is no shame in a more concentrated product. Do not be afraid. Mine is purer than snow." He reached into a box beside his chair and pulled out several packets of white powder. "It does even more than your painkillers, still from the poppy, and because it comes straight from the balkans, with no middle man in the government medical service, it is cheaper. This will do what you need. Pure Heroin." 

Ignaczy was not doing this out of kindness, Elliot knew. The profit margin on this unmarked illegal drug was higher than the pills he had been buying, but Elliot wanted so badly to believe his advice was good, coming from somewhere that at least wanted to preserve his business for many years. "And it's safe?" 

The man nodded. "I would take this myself. It isnt back alley chemical Garbage like that Krokodil the kids are cooking up on the streets today." 

Elliot looked at the white powder. How could he ask Redding to shoot Heroin? The Count had been addicted for many years. Redding had hated seeing what it did to his brother, what it had done to their family. 

"The first doses are on me." Ignaczy pushed two small packets towards him. "Try them, come back. I think you will like the results." 

 

And now, Elliot was tensely putting off going home. He looked at the clock. He couldnt wait much longer. 

Redding would be frantic, but he couldnt think of a way to break the news. He worried intensely about overdose, he worried that despite his husband's frightening tolerance, he would be so overcome by the infamous drug that Chase would again be without his Daddy. Could Elliot live with himself if he turned his the man he loved into a heroin addict? 

He ordered another beer and drank it quickly, steeling himself for what he would encounter at home, before he finally left the bar and got into his car. It was dark and snowy. He found himself slewing into the opposing lane, the alcohol effecting him far more than he wanted. "What is wrong with you?" He asked out loud, his voice grounding in the dark silence. "How could you drink when your family is at home with nothing?" 

Elliot felt he was only compounding his mistakes, listing the ways he was failing his family. 

Redding's health was failing and he was helpless to stop it. He had watched Redding lose weight over the summer, watched in horror as his love rapidly declined and was even unable to get out of bed. He'd lost even more weight since beginning the increased medication, refusing the inadequate meals. 

He was about to trade medication that had at least once been legitimate, prescribed, painkillers for an illegal street drug. 

None of this would be happening if Elliot had not been stuck in his low paid care aid position since they had moved here. There was little employment here, and he had to be home regularly to care for his family. If he was better qualified, a better worker, he could provide better for his family, but as it was, they barely made ends meet, and now didnt at all. 

He couldnt free himself of this guilt as he drove cautiously home, hating the lightheadedness of the alcohol that just reminded him how weak he was. 

He finally made it home, the headlights falling on their little farm house. Icicles hanging thickly from their roof caught the headlights and glittered down their lengths. Elliot sat in his car for a few moments longer after shutting off the engine. He steeled himself and tried to sober up by taking deep breaths of the rapidly cooling air. 

Finally he left the car and stomped through the snow to his door. A white drift had formed against the bottom of the door and he kicked it away before opening the door and stepping inside. "I'm home. Sorry I'm late, I..." He trailed off, unable to think of any lie. 

"We're in here." Redding called softly from the living room.

Elliot frowned to himself worriedly as he undid his boots and hung his winter coat. He sensed a strange atmosphere, not his love's expected anger at his lateness, but something else. His very lack of anger was what made it feel so odd. 

He undressed and came into the living room, suprised to see his son not in bed. "What is Chase doing out of bed? What happened?" 

"There was an accident." Redding explained, his voice low, gently moving the blanket to show the long scrape along his son's arm. Chase wrinkled his nose in his sleep and drew himself closer to his Daddy in the cold. "He fell." 

"What do you mean he fell?" Elliot demanded. While he had been with his dealer and at the bar, his son could have been seriously hurt. 

And yet, he felt a familliar anger growing inside of him. He did /everything/ for this family. He had given up his life in England, in exchange for a rural farm and dead-end job in Poland. He cooked, he cleaned, he parented, he cared for them both, he tried to make them feel loved. 

All he had ever asked in return was that Redding love him, and that he could trust him to protect their baby while Elliot worked to support them. 

He'd had to force Redding to love him, and Redding had again and again shown he couldnt keep their son safe.

Elliot looked down at his husband, and saw Redding watching him. He hated to see that fear in his husband's eyes, but sometimes fear was the only way. "How did he fall?" He asked again. 

"He climbed the cupboards. It wasnt his fault. It was mine. I fell asleep. I wasnt watching him." Redding rushed to explain. 

"You dont need to protect him. He's a child, Redding! He needs supervision!" He snapped. "I'm putting him to bed." 

Chase woke up with a start at Elliot's raised voice. "Papa?" He asked sleepily. Elliot reached for him and picked him up gently. The little boy rubbed his eyes, but woke quickly when he looked back and saw his other parent's face. He looked back at Elliot. "I'm sorry Papa. Dont be mad please." He asked in polish. He spoke the language when he wanted to please his Papa. "I wasnt hurt, look!" He held up his scraped arm. "Just a little cut!" 

Elliot smoothed his son's hair. "You shouldnt have been up on the cupboards. I'm very upset with you, and you scared your daddy very badly. You could have been hurt." He kept his voice calm for the little boy, but the child's sensetive ear must hear the steel in it. Elliot carried his son to his little bedroom and he could feel the child's tension in his arms. 

Chase allowed himself to be laid in bed. "Dont be mad at daddy." He begged. "I was bad. I climbed the kitchen and broke the lock!" 

"You broke the lock did you? Then you will have to help me replace it. Tomorrow first thing. Until then, time to sleep. I will work out everything with your daddy and your punishment will begin tomorrow." Elliot tucked in his son under the warm blankets. "Go to sleep now. Stay in your room." He ordered, patting his son's chest through the blankets. Elliot knew his son wouldnt sleep, not now. Little children shouldnt hear their parents fight, Elliot thought, but Redding was failing him deliberately at this critical time, when he needed him most, and Elliot was sacrificing so much for him. Anything that transpired now was on him, not Elliot. 

 

Redding listened closely as Elliot spoke quietly to their son. He held his breath as he heard the bedroom door close. 

"How could you?" Elliot demanded as he returned to the living room. "How could you?" He leaned in and slammed his hands down on the arms of the chair, trapping his husband. "He is our only child, Redding! He means everything to me! What does he mean to you? You fell ASLEEP?" 

Redding flinched when Elliot closed with him, guilt and hurt rising in his throat. "I didnt mean to! I cant stay awake sometimes, the pills-" 

"Dont you dare blame the medication! You asked for it! You do not get to use that as a way to abdicate your responsibility as a parent!" Elliot snarled. Redding had nowhere to go. He turned his head away in the face of Elliot's anger. He could smell alcohol on his husband's breath. Elliot never drank, as far as Redding had ever known. This new development scared him. 

"Today was an accident!" Redding tried to argue. 

"Can I trust you? Do you love our son? Do you love this family?" Elliot grabbed him by the arm hard, and shook him. "Look at me Redding. Answer me!" 

"Of course I do! Of course I fucking do!" Redding yelled back. "I love you both!" 

"I dont believe you." Elliot said darkly. "I was late because I was keeping our family stable, I was making sure we would have food to eat next week, and we will be able to pay our rent next month! I needed you to watch our son!" Elliot's grip tightened painfully around Redding's arm and he hauled him out of the chair onto the floor. Redding yelled out, and struggled, trying to break his grip. 

"Let me go!" He yelled, managing to twist free, but Elliot grabbed him again before he could get away.

Elliot hauled him close, and spoke into his ear. "You need to be reminded how good you have it." He dragged him to the door and opened it, letting in the cold winter air. Redding looked up at him in horror. "Elliot, dont, please-" He yanked backwards, but his husband simply picked him up and dumped him out into the snow. Redding's breath was driven out of him by the shock of the sudden terrible cold. Redding looked up just as Elliot slammed the door.


	16. Cuckoo

Nottingham, England  
(2009)

Redding closed his eyes, just feeling the warm wind on his face and the summer sun that warmed the car. They were driving leisurely along a country road, headed for the highway to Nottingham. 

Redding tried to avoid the city, but he had no choice when all his doctors were based in either Nottingham or London. They were headed for Dr. Tamworth, his GP. The kindly older East Indian gentleman had known him since he was shipped back from the front. Five years they'd worked together. Redding couldnt give him up, and when he said 'jump', Redding said..... Well usually "Bugger that!" or some ruder variant. 

But its the thought that counts. 

Redding stretched his arm out the car window and angled his hand to catch the wind, letting it be lifted like a bird's wing. It was the force of the air moving his hand up and down, not his own strength. The wind and sun felt good. 

"Redding please keep your arm inside." Elliot asked from the driver's side. He glanced at his employer and friend.

"It's fine, we are going 30." Redding argued good-naturedly. He cracked open an eye to regard Elliot. 

"If you hit something, you'll break your hand." Elliot responded. 

"Hit what?" Redding gestured to the quiet country road. 

Elliot sighed. "Redding..." 

"Fine, fine, fine." He pulled his arm in, and laid his cheek on the crook of his elbow, closing his eyes again and happily enjoying the sun. If he were a dog, he would have stuck his whole head out the window and swiftly become an internet meme, he thought.

They traveled for a few minutes with just the rhythmic beat of indie rock from the radio, and the lul of the engine. The car was Fritz'. One of his collection. Redding always chose the least overtly expensive, trying to avoid the attention Fritz sought with his flashy vehicles. Redding had several times suggested buying himself a dented secondhand Citroen, the infamously shoddy and cheap car of the working class Brit, but apparently that was another thing that he wasnt allowed to do now that he was apparently gentry. Secondhand just wasnt done. 

"At least nobody would want to steal it." Red said quietly, going over his last half-serious discussion with Fritz in his mind. 

"What was that?" Elliot asked. 

"Nothing." Redding said. "I wonder what the doctor needs to see me about." He looked up as the sun disappeared, hidden by a cloud. Frowning, Redding sat back in his seat. 

"They just said some of your blood work results?" 

"Aye. Yeah, vague." Redding nodded. 

"It could just be an anomaly." Elliot shrugged. "Something to watch."

"Or I could have leukemia." Red countered. 

"Also possible..." Elliot admitted. "But why dwell on the worst case?" 

"Because then Im extra happy when I just get mildly bad news." Redding replied. "Which is usually what happens." 

"There is no reason to think this will be bad news." 

"They dont call you for good news. The absence of a call is the good news." Redding pointed out. "I wish Felix was here." 

"Hey, I'm here." Elliot said, sounding mildly hurt. Redding looked at his friend, and felt a pang of guilt. "Thats not what I meant Elliot. You know I wouldnt know what to do without you, but Felix is my boyfriend. It's different." 

Elliot didnt respond immediately. He was staring at the road. 

Redding frowned worriedly. "What is it?" 

"It's not my place..." Elliot replied, not taking his eyes off the road. 

"Oh fuck that, when has that ever stopped you? And it isnt 1910. Elliot, you know me better than anybody. I think we are beyond that." Redding watched his friend for a reaction. "Come on." 

"Redding, despite you refusing to believe it, you aren't the same as he is. You are connected to the Earl. You have options. You have money of your own, you can marry into titles." Elliot explained, glancing at him. "You can do better than him." 

"But I dont want any of that! I'm grateful to live at the manor. I'm grateful for my inheritance, yeah, all of that. I realize how lucky I am." Redding responded. "But in the end, when Im back on my feet, I am buying a little farm, settling down with a few dogs or someone if Im lucky. A few Herfordshire cattle, you know, Daph and a donkey to keep her company. A few barn cats. Thats what I want. Thats all I want." He spread his hands with finality. "I dont want to marry titles. Felix is exactly where I want to be. He doesnt care about any of that either." Redding finished. He thought about that. He would take care of the animals, train with Daph, and be waiting for Felix when he got home from the store. When he reached the end of races, Felix would be there to greet him at the end. He didnt realize he was smiling. 

Elliot glanced at him, his brows furrowed in thought. "A farm." He repeated. 

Redding was pulled from his reverie. "Yeah. Just simple." Redding leaned his head against the headrest, chewing his lip slightly. He watched his friend. "Are you jealous?" 

"Thats absurd!" Elliot flushed. 

"You're jealous!" Redding teased him, but sobered up when he saw Elliot's flush deepen. "It's not the same Elliot. I need you. I shouldnt say this, but you're my best friend. You are. Felix doesnt threaten you. It's a different relationship." He said earnestly. He risked taking Elliot's upper arm, squeezingly it reassuringly. "Ok?" 

Elliot smiled a bit, and their eyes met for a moment. He seemed relieved. Redding returned the smile. 

When Elliot had first come into his life, Elliot had been his 24/7 support and only friend. Fritz and Eric could only take so much, they withdrew when they had to, but it had seemed Elliot had an endless depth of patience and compassion. He'd never let go. No once. 

Redding felt guilty suddenly. He didnt say it often enough how much Elliot mattered to him, and clearly Elliot had felt...somehow left behind since he had been spending time with Felix. "You saved my life you know. And you still matter." 

"I know Redding." Elliot reached over to ruffle Redding's hair with a playful smile. 

"Oi! Leave it!" Redding batted him away with a laugh. 

 

The drive was uneventful, and their conversation wandered onto less serious topics. Redding tried to keep his mind off of the mysterious blood results and the possible implications. 

They made it at last, and Elliot dropped Redding off at the doors. Redding stole a furtive smoke before going inside, and he entered the doctors office a lot more calm than he would otherwise be. He took a seat and Elliot sooned joined him. The man glanced at him and frowned. "You smell like weed."

"Go to hell." Redding whispered back cheerfully.

"In the city, the police care. Neither I nor Fritz want to bail you out of jail." 

"No if anyone is bailing me out, its Eric. He owes me like ten bailouts." Redding smirked. 

"I'm serious Redding." Elliot said. 

"I already got this from Eric this week, ok? I dont need it from you." Redding looked at his friend. "Please?"

Before Elliot could reply, a nurse stepped into the waiting room. "Fitzpatrick?" She called, smiling when she recognised Redding. "Red, come on through." 

 

The exam room was postered with coloured diagrams of joints and organs and the diseases they could be effected by. Redding was sitting on the exam table, absorbed in a poster by his head of the more disturbing diseases the testicles could fall prey to. Elliot was seated in a chair, absorbed in his own thoughts. He had his notebook and pen at the ready in his lap. 

The door opened. "Ah Mr. Fitzpatrick, how are you doing? Hello Elliot." 

"Doctor." Red greeted. "I'm still alive. Six months until the race." He smiled. 

"Ah yes. Well." The doctor looked down at his clipboard. "We'll see about that." 

"What?" Redding asked, suddenly anxious. "What do you mean? Shit! I knew it was something serious!" He glanced at Elliot, and then back to the doctor. 

Elliot straightened up, listening. Dr. Tamworth made a calming gesture with his hands. "I'm sorry, those were poorly chosen words. Lets not jump to conclusions. I have a few questions, and this might not be bad news. For some, it is good news." 

Redding frowned in confusion. "Ok." 

"I need to ask questions about your intimate activities. Are you comfortable with Elliot in the room?" 

"Of course." Redding answered immediately, not truly thinking it through.

Dr. Tamworth nodded. "Have you been having unprotected sex recently?" The doctor asked. 

Red's mouth hung open for a moment. "I mean...yes. But... Did I catch something?" 

Redding was too focused on the question to catch Elliot stiffen as he confirmed what the whole house already knew, that he and Felix were sexually active. 

"Specifically, receptive vaginal sex." The doctor probed. 

"Thats bottoming, right? No.... Not at all." He hesitated. The nightmares were fresh in his mind. He'd been alone last night, and he thought he could still feel the strong fingers holding the back of his neck. He shivered. That wasnt the kind of thing you reported to your GP. "Doc, what is this all about?" 

"Well, we will need to run further tests but.... Your latest blood panel showed... that you are pregnant." The doctor explained gently.

Redding stared at him. "No." He said unsteadily. "No. I cant be." 

"There are rare disorders that can imitate the hormones, we can-" 

"Then thats what it is." Redding cut him off. "I'm not pregnant!" Because if he were, that would mean the nightmares were real. He was breathing fast, and reached up to touch the spot on the back of his neck where the large hand had held him down. 

This was real. He couldnt focus on what the doctor was saying. All he could hear was the sound of panting breath in his ear as his rapist came inside him. 

"Redding, take a breath." Elliot startled him, putting a strong hand on Red's shoulder. Without even knowing why, Redding jerked away from his touch. He hunched forward, running his fingers through his hair anxiously. "Fuck this. Elliot, what the fuck is happening?" He groaned. 

Elliot crouched in front of him, making sure he was in his friend's eyeline. "Talk to me Redding. Whats going on?" 

Redding realized Dr. Tamworth had gone. He hadnt registered his departure. Redding was glad the man wasn't seeing him now. "Dont you see?" Redding demanded. "I'm pregnant. That means someone has actually been...raping me in my sleep. Every night that Im alone." He shuddered, covering his mouth as he felt sick. He closed his eyes tightly against the memories, but that only made them worse. Memories, not dreams. He opened his eyes and regarded Elliot. "Someone in the house. They've put... That thing inside me." 

"Take a deep breath Redding. We'll figure this out. However it happened, you may have a baby growing inside you." Elliot spoke quietly. 

"I dont want it." Red bared his teeth in anger. "He doesnt get to do this to me!"

Elliot listened, his chin resting on his thumbs, his hands pressed together as if in prayer. 

"I want it gone!" Redding snarled. "Call the doctor back in!" 

"No. Not until you calm down." Elliot shook his head. "Take a minute. Think about this. That baby is innocent. You're punishing it for what you think its father did." 

"Yeah! I am! I cant have this spawn inside me Elliot!" He put his head in his hands. He wanted to run from here; to run from these feelings; to run from what was inside him "I dont want this! I cant even sleep in my own bed!" His shoulders began to shake. "Someone in the house... They've been watching me, knowing, that they left that inside me and I had no idea." 

Elliot stood up and touched him carefully, in case Redding pushed him away again, but Red allowed the touch, too overcome to sense that these were the same hands that had held him down last night. Elliot sat beside him, sliding an arm around his shoulders and holding him as Redding shook silently. 

 

Once Redding had calmed slightly, Elliot called Dr. Tamworth back inside. Redding looked blankly at his hands as the doctor spoke. He let Elliot answer for him. Elliot now stood beside him protectively.

Dr. Tamworth didnt act as if anything was different, didnt ask after Red's strange reaction. Redding was grateful for that. He didnt have the words to describe his rape to the man he had respected for so long. 

"I may be able to confirm the pregnancy with just a palpation of your abdomen." Dr. Tamworth said. "If it is too early, an internal exam can be conducted. Men have a different muscle structure in the abdomen, especially someone with your core strength, so sometimes it can be unclear to the touch. Men also carry 'smaller', which is to say you may not show significantly until later stages." 

"For the abdomen... I can stay dressed, right?" Red didnt want the doctor touching him, but he couldnt leave here not knowing for sure. The doctor nodded, and instructed Red to lie back. He waited patiently, donning gloves as Redding slowly sorted himself out. Redding lifted his shirt and undid his pants as ordered. He tried not to think about last night, or any other night as he felt Dr. Tamworth touch him. The doctor's skilled hands dug almost painfully into him as he tried to locate the organs. Redding squeezed his hand into a fist and released it, staring at the ceiling. 

'I'm not pregnant.' He repeated over and over in his brain. Was it a statement or a prayer? He couldnt tell. 

He felt Elliot's hand on his shoulder, and looked back at his friend. Redding reached to take Elliot's arm, hanging onto him tightly, like a lifeline to sanity. 

The doctor hummed as he lifted his hands. "It seems you are pregnant. I would estimate between two and four months." 

Redding felt his breath catch. It felt like he couldnt breathe. 

He had been carrying that monster inside of him for four months.


	17. Old and New

Grantham, England

(2009)

"Have a good night." Felix locked the front doors of the grocery behind the last of his employees. Anna, his assistant manager waved to him and he smiled at her tiredly, returning the wave.

He did a slow final inspection of the store, noting repairs to be done and straightening the signage as he made his way through the meat section, the shelves protected with plastic barriers for the night. 

Truth be told though, his mind wasnt on the job. He was thinking about his boyfriend. Redding's nightmares had been getting more frequent. Felix was staying over multiple times a week to keep them at bay, but he couldnt be there full time. He had to be home for his father, and he didnt want to move into the echoey manor house with The Earl and Count who still intimidated him. This isnt how he imagined his first romance would go. Redding hadnt told Fritz or Eric about the escalating dreams, so Felix and Elliot were his only confidantes. Felix struggled in the position he had been put in. He kept Red's secret because he loved and respected him. That didnt mean it felt right. It felt like Redding was under attack and Felix wanted so badly to save him, but didnt know how, and out of misplaced shame, Redding was keeping out the people who could help. 

In the produce section, Felix noted limp spinach that had been left unnoticed in the display. He distracted himself for a moment fixing it and making note to speak to the young man in charge. 

Felix sighed to himself as he returned to his inspection. He'd looked up the disorders Redding blamed for his nightmares: Complex Regional Pain Disorder and PTSD, but neither of those seemed to explain what was happening. Redding was so focused on blaming himself that he didnt listen to anything Felix said.

That, and Felix felt like he was being sabotaged at every turn by the man Red inexplicably trusted the most. Elliot was feeding Red's convictions, that this was all in his head. 

Felix felt a stab of irrational guilt as he straightened a line of pasta boxes in the dry goods aisle. Redding had asked him to come to the doctors with him today. Felix had clearly seen how anxious his love was, and still said no. He'd cited work, but the real reason was that he couldnt stand the thought of being trapped in a car for that long with Elliot. 

Redding didnt sense Elliot's hostility towards Felix. Didnt see when the large man cut him off, didnt let Felix finish his thoughts, controlled the plan and wouldnt allow anyone else to interfere with it. He couldnt see when Elliot subtley controlled Red either. Felix hated it, and had begun to hate Elliot. 

Thinking about the appointment, Felix checked his phone. No text from Redding. He should have been home hours ago. /Hey, everything ok?/ Felix typed out and sent.

He waited for a moment, hoping for a reply. He clicked through to the profile picture he had assigned. It was a picture of Redding astride his horse, handsome and smiling at what Felix had been saying. With no answer, he reluctantly put his phone back in his pocket and continued his inspection. 

Perhaps Red's family had kidnapped him for some activity, keeping him from his phone. Perhaps his battery had died. 

Neither explanation soothed Felix's worry. The two of them texted constantly and it was almost unknown for Redding to fall out of contact except when he was on the trail with Daph.

Felix caught himself reaching to check his phone again, but stopped himself. There would be no fresh messages. He was only torturing himself. 

He finished his patrol and trudged up the stairs towards his office. It was tax season and his father was much better with people than he was with numbers. The taxes had fallen to Felix for some years now. He was looking ahead at a long night of organizing bills and calulating their income for the year. He felt exhausted just thinking about it. 

The office he shared with his father was at the top of an eccentric staircase. The door was heavy and the space still echoed with past générations of Handsons. The Handsons had lived above the shop until Felix's father had finally bought their house the year Felix was born. Felix's grandfather had been born and died in the warm wooden studio apartment. The old sink still stood in the corner, installed only ten years before Felix's birth. Before that, they had hauled water up the prescipitous staircase to be heated over the fire. The fireplace still stood on the far wall, now bricked-up. 

Felix sometimes daydreamed about what life had been like for the Grandfather he only dimly remembered. His grandfather had made deliveries to the manor by horse cart, and been the proud owner of the first refrigerator in the town of grantham, directly on the heels of the old earl. Felix walked the same paths and delivered to the same ancient manor house, but his grandfather wouldnt have recognised his life. 

Felix mourned for a moment that Red might never be able to share this space with him, and sense the history of it. The stairs, steep and crooked, would drive him off the idea.

He wandered over to the coûnter and set up the coffee maker, measuring the grounds into their little paper basket and turning it on. He waited dreamily for it to begin to burble, his mind wandering back to Redding, and he couldnt help but pull out his phone to check for a reply, though he knew there wouldnt be. He would have heard the chime. 

He was about to put it away and turn to his desk when the chime sounded and it buzzed in his hand.

/You were right. About everything. I'm in the twilight zone Fe. Its all fucked up and I dont know what to do. Any chance you can come over? I really need to talk./ 

Felix frowned worriedly. /Of course. On my way. What happened?/ He asked. 

/Cant talk about this on the phone. Everythings gone sideways./ 

Felix was imagining a hundred scenarios as he hurried down the stairs and to his car. What had he been right about? What had the doctor said? A million setbacks were possible. Would Redding be forced to drop out of the race?

The drive felt like it took hours, though it was only twenty minutes. Any amount of time was too long.

Felix was suprised when Elliot met him at the service entrance. 

"Follow me." The tall man said, waving him up a side-stairway Felix had never noticed before. Elliot looked back at him as they walked up the poorly lit stairway. "Redding is very upset. Dont do anything to upset him more. Please dont indulge his fantasies about his nightmares and a conspiracy against him. He needs reality right now, not a nonexistant stalker on his mind as well." 

"I- he hasnt said what happened. I dont-" Felix tripped on the old stairs and only just caught himself. He frowned, turning over Elliot's words and feeling a growing unease. Elliot hadnt waited for him, and Felix hurried to catch up. "Where are we going?" He asked, aware that he was rapidly becoming lost. "Is this a back way to Red's room?" 

"He isnt in his room. We are headed towards the old servants quarters." Elliot explained. "He didnt... feel safe in his previous room, despite my reassurances." Elliot said unhappily. 

"What happened?" Felix asked, now terribly afraid that Redding had been attacked in earnest, during daylight. "Is Red all right?" 

"He will be." Elliot said, coming at last to a dusty and abandoned hallway. "He is very shaken." He stopped and turned around, looming over Felix in the half-light. "Remember what I said." He ordered sharply. "I know what he needs right now, and it isnt you encouraging his rape fears. Your encouragement has only made it worse. I hold you responsible for this."

Felix was shocked into silence, and intimidated intensely by the powerful man who stood over him. Felix quailed away from him, wanting only to get through this hall and away from Elliot.

Elliot took his fearful silence as assent and nodded. He turned away and went to the end of the hallway, knocking gently on a door at the end of the hall. "Redding? I have Felix for you." 

"Come in." Red's voice sounded rough, as if he had been shouting. 

Elliot took the lead again, opening the door and stepping inside. 

Red was sitting on the bare mattress of the tiny garret room. The walls were bare institutional whitewash, with just a tiny window out into the darkness. Servants of the past had slept two to this tiny bed. Now, Elliot and his fellow servants lived in nicely appointed suites in another wing of the manor. The room smelled dusty and unused. It felt abandoned, and sitting there in the cell-like room, Red looked so very alone. 

Red seemed visibly relieved Felix was there. He looked hollow, exhausted, and scared. "Felix." He said gratefully. 

Felix ran to him and pulled him into a hug. "What happened? Red, whats going on?" 

Redding shook his head. "You'll never fucking guess. It's the mirrorverse episode or something. God, Felix..." He held Felix tightly for a moment before drawing away and looking at Elliot, who had been hovering quietly. "I'm ok now Elliot, you can head downstairs before they start asking questions." 

"Are you sure? You really shouldnt be alone right now." Elliot frowned, looking between them. He caught Felix's eye and the unease from the hallway only increased. Felix snuggled closer to Red, watching Elliot warily. 

"I wont be." Red replied. "Elliot I'll be fine. Tell them I'm not feeling well." 

"I dont agree with this-" Elliot began. 

"I told you to go!" Redding snapped suddenly. "For fucks sake Elliot, listen to me for goddamn once!" 

Elliot raised his head, silent for a moment. "Yes Sir." He said tightly. "I will be back later." He left the room, closing the door quietly. Felix and Red both listened as his footsteps retreated down the stairs. Felix could feel the tension in Red's body, and when Elliot's footsteps disappeared, Redding suddenly buried his face in Felix's shoulder, his breath shaking. 

Felix ran his fingers through his lover's hair worriedly. "Red..?" 

"You were right." Redding admitted quietly. "All along you were right." 

Felix remained silent, listening to Red's heart pounding, not daring to think what might come next.

"I'm pregnant." He whispered. "I cant trust anybody in this house. They didnt even care enough to use a fucking condom!" His fingers fisted in Felix's shirt angrily and his whisper turned into an enraged howl. "I'm going to make them pay! I'm going to tear them apart!" He snarled.


	18. Colder

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2017)

Elliot slammed the door on his love, curling his hands into fists and slamming them on the wood of the door. "Why do you make me do this?" He raged. "Why?" Elliot grit his teeth and turned, looking around angrily for something to focus his anger on, to keep himself from opening the door. 

He met a pair of frightened dark eyes. His son looked at him from the hallway. "Is Daddy outside?" He asked in Polish, clutching his stuffed penguin to his face, blinking back tears. "Papa please let him in! Daddy's going to die outside!" 

Elliot's stomach twisted with shame as he heard his son begging for his parent's life. It was with horror that he heard his father's voice coming from his own mouth. "No. He needs to learn his lesson, and dont make me do the same to you! I told you to stay in bed!" He barked. 

The boy jumped in terror and raced back to his room, his little slippered feet flapping on the cold wood floor as he disappeared into the darkness of the hall. Elliot clutched the wall, covering his mouth with his hand. 

What am I doing? He thought. 

He was losing control. 

All he'd wanted was to make things right. 

To create something different. The create something perfect.

And now he was making the same mistakes his father had. Elliot had watched the older man punish his mother for the mistakes she made. He called her vicious names. She was 'slow', she was a 'mistake', she was lucky his father had been willing to marry someone so stupid. 

Elliot had felt every blow like it was his. He'd been too tiny to help her. Too afraid. 

He saw that same look in little Chase's eyes. 

"Redding..." Elliot said quietly, lurching towards the door and yanking it open. He was hit by a blast of wind. The breeze that had barely been noticeable when he came home had whipped into a gale. "Redding!!" Elliot shouted, yanking on his boots and pushing outside. He shielded his eyes from the biting wind, trying to find his love. He shouted above the gale, but no answer could be heard. Elliot looked around in growing panic, sweeping aside drifts that could hide a curled-up body. He searched any nook where Red might have sheltered. He was screaming now above the wind. "Redding!!" 

What would he do if Redding was truly gone? What would Chase do? 

"Please be ok." He begged the universe. "Redding I will never hurt you again if you will just be ok." 

It was then that his foot fell through the fluffy accumulation of snow and found a harder packed layer below. A trail. Filled in by the wind. He had to feel his way carefully through the darkness of the gale, following the drag marks through the old snow which was rapidly being covered with new. His desperate hope grew as he followed it, and he repeated his promises to whatever gods might see him. 

He would be a better man. 

If only Redding could be spared. 

It was almost pitch black now. He didnt dare go back for a flashlight, in case he never found the trail. Without a coat, he was shivering badly. His fingers were going numb as he felt his way along, but he couldnt give up. 

He found his way to the horse paddock, where the trail became confused as Redding must have struggled through the gap and continued on. Elliot climbed over the fence and saw a square shape looming ahead. "Yes..." He called his husband's name as he abandoned the trail and ran towards Molly's little shelter, where she was no doubt hiding from the storm.

Elliot rushed inside, and fell to his knees, feeling along the frozen hay in the pitch darkness. A warm furred face met his hands, snuffling curiously. He followed her neck to her shoulder. She was laying down, her ribs stuck out under his hands, her fur a thick winter coat, but patchy. Her rations had been the first to be cut. 

He cried out in relief when he felt Red's short hair, his thin beard. Of course, he would go to his horse in times of dire need. The horse would never hurt him the way his husband did. Redding was curled tightly against his horse, who had lay down and curled around him protectively.

Elliot's fingers were too cold to sense his love's temperature, but the man didnt move under his touch. "Wake up. Wake up, I'm sorry." He begged, wrapping Redding in his arms. "You're going to be ok." He lifted him up in his arms, cradling him against his chest as he began to force his way back through the snow. Molly got up and followed them worriedly, nuzzling he favorite master as Elliot carried him. She lingered at the fence until she could no longer see them in the storm. 

It felt like miles to get to the front door, but at last Elliot shouldered his way in, and gently lowered his love to the carpet in front of the fire. He quickly got Redding a blanket and stoked up the fire high. Redding was responding now, shivering hard not just from the cold but from the onset of withdrawl. He was long past time for his medication. Redding looked around, and finally settled on Elliot. It destroyed Elliot to see the look of dull hatred in Redding's eyes. 

"I'm sorry." Elliot whispered, gently taking Redding's hands, warming his white fingertips between his large hands. "I just wish you wouldnt make me so angry." 

The cold was keeping Redding from feeling the unbearable pain, but the other symptoms were there to Elliot's eye as he felt the tremor thrumming through his love's frozen hands. He knew Redding almost better than Redding knew himself. 

Elliott got up, went to the kitchen and prepared the heroin carefully according to Ignaszy's instructions, and drew it up into a syringe. Redding was dazed from cold, but he snapped into focus when he saw the syringe. "No! Elliot! I dont need that!" He panicked, believing it to be the sedative Elliot only used when he felt he had no choice. Elliot caught his arm easily. "Shhh..." He soothed. "I know. Trust me. This is how it needs to be. It's going to be ok from now on." He promised, and found a vein on the inside of Redding's elbow, held him still with one hand and quietly injected the heroin with the other.

Elliot watched his love, waiting for it to take effect. Redding visibly relaxed in seconds, and Elliot let out a relieved breath. He put the syringe carefully aside, and drew Redding into a hug. "I told you everything would be ok." 

"What is this?" Redding repeated distantly. 

"Heroin." Elliot finally admitted. "I had no choice..." 

Redding didnt make any reply at first, before he nodded silently, and lay his head against Elliot's shoulder.


	19. Dog on a Chain

Grantham, England

(2009)

"I'm sorry." Was all Felix could think to say. It felt stupid, but there were no words that fit this moment. No words to fit around a betrayal so profound. 

He watched Red as his fingers grew tense around the phone. Redding watched the recorded video silently as it played on the tiny screen. 

Felix had set up his cell phone to record secretly, not even telling his love that it was there. He had to find out, and Red was so terribly stubborn. He believed so intensely that Elliot could keep him safe, while Felix's stomach had twisted with fear when Redding's manservant had offered to sleep in the same room when Felix wasnt there. Under the guise of kindness, Felix had sensed something horrible. 

He'd set up the camera, and left. Elliot hadnt even waited one night before he struck. He was that arrogant. 

Redding's jaw was tense, and the expression was one that felix had never seen before, but deep in his survival brain, he recognised it, and it made him afraid. 

The expression on his love's face was rage, a slow, dark rage. 

"We should call the police." Felix said quietly. 

"No." Redding said from between clenched teeth. "Where is he?" 

"I dont know. Red... We need to tell someone. Fritz. Your brother. Someone." Felix insisted. 

"No!" Red growled, getting up. "I have to see him!" He stormed out, slamming his door open with a blow from his shoulder. 

"Red!" Felix followed after him, and flinched slightly as he heard Redding accost the Butler, Mr. Taylor. Redding swung towards the older man. "Where is Elliot? I want him here now!" 

The slender old man with thinned dark hair remained unruffled outwardly. "Is there anything I can do for you Master Fitzpatrick?" 

"Get me that pig-fucking bastard!" Redding snapped. "Where is he? I'll track him down myself!" 

"Please calm down." Mr. Taylor raised a hand. "Is there an issue I need to be aware of?" 

Redding had already pushed past him, Felix going after him. Felix took his love's arm to stop him. "Red! Wait! What are you doing?" 

Redding yanked away. "Dont! Dont try to stop me!" He shouldered open the door to the downstairs staff area. "Elliot!" He shouted down the steep stair. "Get the fuck up here you snake! Every second you make me wait is going to make me hurt you more!" He yelled angrily. Silence fell down below as the kitchen and cleaning staff stopped their conversation and work.

Much to Felix's shock, Elliot appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Did he not realize he had been caught? Or was he so misguided as to believe that he could win Redding's trust back? 

Elliot raised his hands placatingly. "Redding, I-" 

"No!" Redding snarled. "Dont even fucking speak! Get up here!" 

Felix could see his knuckles whitening on the handles of his crutches. He was trembling with rage, like a dog who knows the length of his chain, he was waiting to strike when Elliot came within range. Felix didnt know what to do. Mr. Taylor had disappeared, perhaps to get help. 

Elliot hesitated at the bottom of the stairs. Here he was safe.

Redding stared at him. "Get. Up. Here." Redding snarled quietly. "Do not make me keep asking." 

Felix craned around. The hallway was empty. Should he run for help? Maybe he should, but he couldnt leave the two of them alone together. He was terribly afraid of what would happen. 

There was silence now, as Redding and Elliot stared one another down. The air was electric with emotion that Felix didnt dare try to name. 

The stair creaked as Elliot took a step upwards, coming towards his employer and victim. "Hear me out. Redding. You'll understand once I explain." 

Redding raised his lip with disgust, but said nothing. He took a step back, away from the head of the stairs, inviting Elliot to follow. Felix opened his mouth to again beg Redding to reconsider, but nothing came out. Elliot deserved everything he got. 

Elliot reached the top of the stairs, putting out his hands, palm upward. Offering Redding... What? 

The tall man approached Redding slowly, like one would approach a wild animal. Red was trembling with contained anger. 

Elliot reached for him gently, nearly touching him. "Redding you have to know. I love you. This was the only way... We need to get away from here. This family, they dont understand you-" 

His stomach-turning sentance was cut off as Redding headbutted him viciously. Elliot stumbled back in suprise, clutching his face. Redding followed this immediately by throwing his weight into the taller man, bodychecking him to the ground. 

They both went down, Elliot trying to crawl away, begging Red to understand. Redding was posessed. Crutches abandoned, he grabbed him and yanked himself onto Elliot's back, grabbing him around the throat with the thick of his arm and craning Elliot backwards. The large man's declarations of sick love were cut off as he struggled to breath. 

Elliot struggled under him, trying to yank Redding's arm away, clawing at him, but his attacker didnt seem to feel it, intent on making Elliot feel some of his rage and violation. There was real fear in Elliot's eyes as he made eye contact with Felix. 

Felix realized in that moment, that he didnt care. He watched Elliot struggling, and felt no need to stop this. 

"You are sick, you are a liar, you deserve to rot in prison if Redding doesnt kill you now." Felix said evenly, and spat on the floor in front of him. 

It was all a blur after that. Felix hadnt heard the running feet. He hadnt heard their names being called. Fritz was suddenly there, grabbing Red. Raphael and Mr. Taylor had Elliot and were forcing them apart. Red fought his friend and Captain. "Let me go!" He screamed. "Let me fucking murder him!" 

Eric had Felix by the shoulders. "Are you all right?" He asked, looking him up and down. 

Felix nodded. "Red, it's Red! Elliot has been, been-" He hesitated still. "He's been hurting him and we just got it on film. Red's pregnant!" He babbled. 

Raphael and Mr. Taylor were tending to Elliot, who was coughing and holding his injured throat. Blood poured down his face. Redding was fighting in Fritz' arms, but Felix could see him flagging. Felix pulled free of Eric and ran to his lover, wrapping him in a tight hug. Red didnt fight him, but allowed himself to be hidden against Felix's chest. Red was trembling with emotion, his fists still curled tightly. Elliot had carved deep gouges in his arm, which were bleeding heavily. 

"He's pregnant with my child!" Elliot cried, pushing away the concerned hands of Raphael. His declaration caused the whole assembly to stop in horror. "Mine! Don't let him tell you it wasn't willing! We're in love." He said it with such conviction, such belief, that seconds ticked by before anybody could react. 

"I would never touch you!" Redding tried to go for Elliot again, and it took Fritz and Felix to hold him back,

"Get him out of here!" Fritz ordered. "Keep him under guard. Call the Police. Now!" 

"No! I need to do this myself!" Redding growled. "Let me have him!" 

Fritz grabbed his friend by the shoulders. "Get ahold of yourself!" He snapped. "Fitzpatrick! This isnt how things are done! We will get to the bottom of this, right?" He demanded. "The correct way."

Felix was behind his lover, holding him. He could feel Redding changing when his Captain addressed him. He was able to take a shaking breath. Redding nodded slowly. "Ok." He said at last. "Ok."


	20. Keep Your Fucking Shit Together

Outside Dziadki, Poland

(2011)

Redding worked methodically. He had the rifle disassembled on the floor. The triangular FB engraving of the wartime Polish manufacturer was unfamilliar to him, but the old military rifle was similar enough to his own service weapons that it came apart easily.

"Fucking Christ, Elliot." He muttered as he carefully threaded the cleaning rod down the barrel. "This thing wouldnt even have fired."

He talked to himself a lot now.

"Nobody else to talk to." He answered his own thoughts, his voice muffled as he gripped the filthy rod between his teeth for a moment. He examined the inside of the barrel, wishing he had more light.

If he was going to kill himself, it would be with a clean weapon. "Where did you get this? Dig it up in the backyard? And then think I wouldnt find it. Asshole. You can drug me all you like, Im still smarter than you." Red spat.

The venom was easy when Elliot wasnt here, but every night he got more exhausted. He had fewer reserves to fight with. Elliot hadnt broken him, but he would.

Red realized he was staring into space, and forced himself to keep on working. He didnt know what time it was, but he knew he was clearest right before Elliot got home from work, and he had to finish before he got home. "Why no clocks? Some kind of alice in wonderland shit." Red wondered aloud. "No clocks, no TV, no radio..." He said angrily, his anger his only cover for his fear. "No internet..."

The hours of silence when Elliot was away at work were worse than Elliot's presence. He spent hours in his own thoughts, unable to distract himself from the vicious self-blame.

He'd created this. He'd let himself get too close to Elliot. He deserved this.

The nightly rapes. Imprisoned here. Humiliated.

Elliot liked to see him having to move on the floor. It gave him some sick joy to see Red so debased. "I'm not giving you the fucking satisfaction." He said as he attacked the stiff action mechanisms. Elliot either hadnt thought to buy the gun oil, or Red hadnt found it yet. He was using vegetable oil, which would ruin the gun in the long run, but he only needed it to work once, didnt he?

Red paused to rub his shoulder, wincing. He was covered in bruises. Elliot watching him getting around on the floor sickened him so much that he was stubbornly staying on his feet, without his crutches. He fell often, but Elliot's panic was almost worth it. He wouldnt let that hard-won ability atrophe, not after working so hard to get where he was. If he couldnt stay on his feet any longer, he refused to move, didnt respond, ignored Elliot until the man got angry enough to force him.

Not all the bruises were from falls. Some were from Elliot's hands when he finally snapped, doing anything to get an acknowledgement from Redding.

His hatred for his captor felt like it filled his chest, crushing him from the inside out. He couldnt breath. It had been months now, without the support of his medical team, without riding, without being able to stand for more than a few minutes, and he could already feel himself slipping.

He could feel his balance getting worse. It hurt more to be on his feet. Eventually he'd have no choice but to crawl for Elliot's eyes. Horror crept into the pit of his stomach.

"No, keep going. Keep your fucking shit together, Red. Keep. Your. Fucking. Shit. Together." He commanded himself. "Where is that from?" He couldnt recall the source of the quote.

Popular culture was something to escape into.

 _Keep your fucking shit together._ It had been uttered by a female voice. Trapped like himself. Humiliated. Raped. Alone with her thoughts. A prisoner. All she had was her survival. Everything else had been stripped away.

Had she escaped in the end?

Suddenly it became very important to know if the unknown girl had lived, and he wracked his brain for the answer, returning with nothing.

His hands worked automatically, finishing oiling the last of the grit-stiffened parts, never cleaned in the lifetime of the gun, and reassembling it.

In his hands was the vehicle of his freedom.

Redding calmly loaded it. He imagined Elliot's face, coming home to Redding dead. A final fuck-you.

Maybe he should leave a note telling Elliot the news. Redding was pregnant, just to throw it in Elliot's face that he would never have the child he so wanted. He had no proof, but he remembered the feeling of Victor when he had been growing inside him. He remembered the slow settling of the round weight on his hips. He remembered the passive nausea of morning sickness that came early in the afternoon, solely to confuse the message. It was all happening again.

"Victor... I hope you made it back. Felix is your Da' now." Redding said quietly, raising the rifle against his shoulder thoughtfully. It fit comfortably. Of course, to turn it on himself, he would have to find a way to push back the trigger, but he'd had many hours to come up with ways to end his life.

Ending his life would mean never seeing Felix or his son again. He wanted nothing more than one more night watching horror films with his lover, with their baby dozing between them, and Felix hiding his face against Redding during the most torturous scenes.

"Thats all I want... Just to go back the way it was." Redding blinked back tears, wiping them away forcefully with the back of his hand. "But it's never going to be that way." He said aloud. The words more powerful if they were spoken. "I'm sorry. I cant fight him anymore. I'm done. I have nothing left. If I have this baby..."

 _I'll belong to him._ He thought, and it suddenly felt as if he had no energy. The gun was unbearably heavy and it slipped to the floor. He was crying, and he couldnt stop.

The grief burst like a dam. It overwhelmed him. He hadnt cried since his capture. He hadnt allowed himself the emotion, focused so narrowly on resisting, on hatred, that he hadnt mourned the loss of his son, his lover, his family and his future. He slipped to the floor, shaking helplessly with sobs that nobody would hear.

When he had cried himself out, he lay on the floor, empty. His eyes slowly traced along the long gun barrel, not really seeing it.

He knew what he had to do, and the thought brought fresh tears to his eyes, but these were tears of shame.

He would see Felix again. He would see Victor. He had to.

To do that, he had to survive.

And to survive he had to give in. He had to stop fighting, because he couldnt live like this.

And all he had to do was live, and keep some deep part of himself locked away, that was still himself.

"I'm not abandoning you Victor. I'm coming back. I dont know how, but I will." He whispered. "I'm sorry."

_For everything Im about to do._

 

The door opened, and he heard Elliot's cheerful hail. Redding wasnt sure how much time had passed. He sat up, trying his best to hide that he'd broken down. He scrubbed his face with his sleeve. "In here." He said, and his voice betrayed him. It was rough from emotion.

Elliot came into the room, and stopped stock still at the sight of the rifle in front of his love. He took a moment to observe the newly polished state and the open box of ammunition beside Redding.

Red looked at the rifle for a moment, and then gazed up at Elliot. "I cleaned it for you." He said. Elliot crouched down to meet him, and without a word, Red took a deep, shaking breath before drawing him into a kiss.

Elliot let out a sound of suprise and drew back. He stared at Redding for a moment.

Redding looked at him, anger and sadness making his chest tight, but détermination overrode them both. For a moment there was just silence.

Elliot moved the gun carefully aside, and gently reached up to wipe a tear from Redding's cheek. He leaned in to kiss him, and groaned happily as Redding opened his lips to deepen the kiss willingly.


	21. Antifreeze

Queens Medical Centre - Nottingham, England  
(2010)

Felix was holding his book in his lap, but couldnt focus well enough to read it. His headache still felt like a knife through his temple, his eyes had trouble focusing. 

Just holding something familliar helped. Even if he couldnt read it. The hospital was alien. The smell of the bleach-based cleaners made his delicate stomach clench, and it was never truly quiet. He just wanted to go home.

At least the crippling nausea had ebbed with the IV fluid dripping into his vein. He no longer retched into a bucket every few moments. He didnt remember much of the last two days. All he recalled was pain, fear, sickness and screaming to be understood. Nobody heard him. He couldnt tell them what happened. 

Where was his family? What was happening to him?

"Da'" He whispered. He tried to focus on the man sleeping in the chair beside him.

His father jerked awake with a snort. "Felix? Felix whats wrong?" He moved closer, leaning forward to take his son's hand. "I cant believe I fell asleep." 

"I'm sorry to wake you." His voice was just a hoarse whisper, destroyed by the trauma of vomiting again and again.

"No, son. Its good to see you talking." He said in his soft, gruff voice. He patted his son's shoulder. "How do you feel?" 

"Not good." Felix replied. Every part of him hurt. His stomach and throat felt like they had been scraped raw. "What happened?" 

"They found what it was that poisoned you. It were antifreeze." His father took a deep breath. "You went into a fit. Thats what tipped them off. Didnt know what it could've been until then." 

Felix closed his eyes. It was easier to think if he wasnt trying to focus at the same time. "I dont remember that..." 

He only remembered believing he was going to die. His greatest fear was that he would die before he could make them understand. /Look for Red and Victor./ 

His father was quiet. "Well, you wouldnt. Probably a mercy. You dont want to remember a thing like that." 

"What happened at the restaurant?" 

"How much do you remember?" He asked, and his son just shook his head. The older man squeezed his son's shoulder comfortingly. "The guard figures that you and your man were poisoned. You colapsed in the washroom, and someone called 999 for you. I saw you a few hours later, as they didnt call me right off. Didnt know who you were and you couldnt've told them." 

"My son?" Felix asked. 

Mr. Handson sighed. "No sign of the boy or Mr. Fitzpatrick. You know that your man, the Earl will have all his private people out looking. The police are searching. They'll find them." He said with false confidence. 

"Nothing? They dont know anything?" Felix said, swallowing hard. "But I know who did this. It was Elliot. He's the one!" His agitation just made his throat worse, and his voice came out sounding strangled and thin. 

"Shhh, son, dont strain yourself. Stay quiet. Leave it to the professionals." His father soothed. "Why would that Wilk fellow do any of that?" 

Felix went silent for a moment, unable to tell his father the truth that the police didnt even know. It had been a secret. Elliot had been quietly fired, paid to leave and keep silent. 

They should have put Elliot in jail for his serial rape, but thats not how the gentry do things. They handled things privately. Now they were paying the price. Felix blinked away tears. "Because hes a madman. He took my baby and the man I love. I dont know if hes going to kill them." 

His father couldnt answer that. He just pulled Felix into a hug and held him tightly.

 

It was several more hours before Felix could finally drift to sleep, and he slept deeply, his body clawing back the energy it had lost from the brutal attack. 

He dreamed of Victor. His baby was gurgling as he did when he was hungry, and Felix could hear him, but couldnt see him. He searched and searched increasingly anxiously. 

He knew his child, and the gurgles soon turned to whimpers, which turned into a wail of loneliness. 

"Victor!" Felix screamed, fighting his way through a fog, his child's wails coming from everywhere and nowhere. "Victor!" Felix jerked up in bed, panting. "Victor!" 

He jumped when someone touched him, and was suprised to see Fritz beside him. Felix was still panting. He looked around in confusion. "Fritz?" 

"Your father is getting coffee. I said I would take my turn." Fritz said gently. "You were having a nightmare." 

"Is-" He had to clear his throat, and gratefully accepted water as Fritz passed it to him. "Is there any news? Anything?" 

"While you were asleep, they found footage proving it was Elliot." He said, then hesitated. "Also there has been an incident in Sweden, that may have been them. A baby was rescued. Unconfirmed."

"When will we know? What kind of incident?" Felix asked, sensing how carefully Fritz was choosing his words. 

"...A violent one." Fritz said, and Felix didnt dare ask more.

"And Red...?" Felix asked. 

"Alive." Fritz said simply, and Felix swallowed, nodding, trying not to imagine what Elliot might do to his love. The possibilities were horrible. Fritz continued. "If its them. We will know when the police tell us. The moment they allow it, I will have Victor back here and in your arms. I promise you that." 

"Is he all right?" Felix asked anxiously. 

"Felix, we dont know it's Victor." Fritz spread his fingers in the air to slow him down. "We dont know."

"Right." Felix said. "Of course. But as soon as you know anything, you'll tell me?" 

"You'll be the first." He promised. 

Felix rubbed his eyes. The headache had abated a little. The poison was working its way out of his system, but the doctors said it would be a while before he felt quite right. "Elliot.... He wanted to kill me, didnt he?" He asked quietly.

Fritz sat back in the chair, looking to the side for a moment. "Yes. I think so." He said. "I spoke to the police. He could have bought the antifreeze anywhere, and you wouldnt have tasted it." 

"But Red isnt- he wasnt as sick as I was, right? He got something different." 

"Yes, there was CCTV footage of the parking lot. He looked unsteady, disoriented, nothing like you were." He explained. 

Felix imagined his partner's terror. "Red..." He twisted his hands in the sheets. An idea suddenly occurred to him. "Will I have to talk to the police?" 

"Yes you will." 

"What will I tell them about Elliot? About what happened? About Victor? Red didnt want anyone to know." He didnt want to betray Red's trust, not now, but neither could he stomach lying to the police. 

Fritz sighed. "Tell the truth. This isnt Redding's decision anymore. To find them, they need to know the whole truth." He patted his pockets, a leftover gesture from years of smoking cigarettes and marijuana. He'd quit years before, but he still searched when he needed to sooth himself. "The truth we should have told the police in the first place." He said guiltily. 

Felix nodded, struggling with his own guilt. He had told his love over and over that he should go to the authorities. Red had been too ashamed, too stubborn. He wanted it all the go away. He wanted to be able to pretend Voctor had no parents but them. Felix looked at his own delicate but calloused fingers, his eyes sweeping up to the IV line that was taped into place on his freckled skin. "I should have pushed him harder. Kept trying." 

"Dont think like that Felix." Fritz warned. "None of us forsaw this. None of the interviews, background checks..." He said distantly. "There were no red flags. I hired him, and had no idea. I didnt see a rapist. Or a murderer." 

"This isn't your fault either Fritz." Felix reached out to lightly touch the Earl. He couldnt believe how afraid he had once been of this man. He hadnt seemed human when they first met. Now, he was vulnerable. Fritz looked profoundly tired. 

Fritz looked up at the touch, and gave him a short grateful nod. "I try to know that." 

"But it's hard." Felix agreed. 

At that moment, Felix's father came back through the sliding door. He held two teas. "Ah, you're awake son, how do you feel?" 

"A little better." Felix managed to give his father a small smile. When he looked back at Fritz, his expression had changed. He was once again the calm and in-control public face of the Earl Grantham. He smoothed out his jacket and stood up. "It was good to talk to you Felix, Ill let the family know you are feeling better." He laid an encouraging hand on his shoulder. "And like I said, you will know the moment I know anything." 

"Thank you." Felix touched his arm in goodbye. "You have to go?" 

"Yes, I just dropped by. I was glad we could talk. We'll find them." He promised, and then with a short firm handshake with Felix's ever-awkward father, he left. 

Felix watched Fritz go, and then accepted the tea from his father gratefully. He looked into the milky swirl, thinking about the baby that might be his son. Or might not. The lonely cry from his dream echoed in his thoughts. "Hang in there. Please." He whispered


	22. Swedish Highway

Outside Jarpen, Sweden  
(2010)

The music was quietly playing in the car. The Swedish Top 40 pick was a bouncy swedish hiphop that washed over the car's occupants. 

Nobody was listening. Everyone was in their own thoughts as they slowly got closer to the tiny mountain village where Elliot had tried to hole up. Felix looked out the window of the car at the snow-capped peaks above them. Despite their having passed through a community just an hour ago, the winding mountain highway felt lonely. He wondered if Red had felt the same as he passed along this route. 

The call had come through yesterday. Felix had cried with relief at Fritz' words. Victor was safe. He was well. 

But his love was still missing.

"Fritz?" Felix looked away from the snowy peaks. 

"Hm?" The blonde man had been lost in his own thoughts. Fritz was at the wheel of the BMW. Felix was still too sick to manage the long drive, and Eric had no license. Fritz had immediately volunteered, just as eager to see his nephew, as well as the crime scene. 

"We are about 45 minutes out" Felix watched the indicator on his phone as they slowly approached the town of Jarpen. He glanced into the back seat. "I cant believe he can sleep right now." He observed. Eric's colourful hair hung down in a fan of pinks and blues and darker natural strands against the white leather. Felix couldnt look at him long. Though the twins faces were subtlely different, he saw enough of Redding in his brother to make it painful. 

Fritz looked into the rearview to see his husband fast asleep, head pillowed on the currently empty car seat. He shrugged. "Eric has a high stress tolerance. He can always sleep. Probably a good plan actually. Conserving energy. I thought you might sleep." He said. "How do you feel?" 

"Rough." Felix admitted. He had insisted on checking out from the hospital early to rush to his son. "Don't worry, Im good." 

Fritz nodded. "We will go straight to Jarpen- what is is called?" 

"Halsocentral I think." Felix replied. The tiny local hospital was caring for the infant until they arrived. 

"Right." Fritz agreed. "Once we secure Victor, I will visit the police, and hopefully the crime scene." 

"What actually happened?" Felix asked. "I want to know. I thought about it. I want to know." 

Fritz glanced at him, and seemed satisfied with whatever he saw. He nodded. "All I know is the translated report I was sent, and a few conversations with the detective. They believe that the three of them, Elliot, Redding, and Victor checked in under false identification on the night of the 14th. The front desk didnt see Redding or the baby, but a tourist did remember seeing Elliot bringing Redding into the room. He thought Redding was drunk, didnt think anything of it." 

"So Red was still drugged? All that time later?" Felix asked, chewing his lip worriedly. 

"Dont forget that Elliot was trained to administer medication, and had been long before he came to us. He would know how to keep someone down, especially having been in full control of Redding's medications for so long." Fritz said with a frown. 

They were likely thinking the same thing. Elliot had known how to 'keep down' Redding effectively enough to allow him to rape him for months, or longer, before being caught. Felix shivered at the thought that he'd shared space for so long with that monster, and the family even longer. Had he done this before? Surely Redding wasnt his first. 

Fritz drove in thoughtful silence for a few moments before continuing. "At around eight pm, the neighbours to one side heard, we assume, Redding pounding on the wall and yelling for help briefely, and then a fracas. A few minutes later, he somehow got out of the room, and by all reports was completely sober and fighting like hell. He had Victor with him and managed to get the baby into the hands of a family who hid him in their room. There were a lot of witnesses by this point, and Elliot had taken some serious hits. Covered in blood. Still, he overpowered Redding, and forced him into a car. By the time police arrived, they had a head start on them." he glanced again at Felix. "Redding didnt go down willingly, and he's alive." He emphasized.

"I know." Felix said sadly. "Or he was alive three days ago.... But it didnt make any difference, did it? Fighting? He still got taken. Elliot knew Redding would fight him, and still attacked us." 

"It did make a difference. He saved Victor." Fritz pointed out. "He risked everything to get his son away." 

Felix checked the map again. They were creeping closer to his son. He ached to have his baby safe with him. "I'm not going to let him out of my arms ever again." He said softly. "I'm never going to take my eyes off him for a second. I'm going to get custody right away. However that works." 

"We'll make sure that happens Felix. You are his father." Fritz reassured him. "Left here?" He asked, seeing the sign to the village of Jarpen. 

"Yes, and then stay on this for 800 meters." Felix squinted at the navigation app. "Then it'll be right on..." He struggled with the swedish street names. "Skans..vagen. Skansvagen." He gestured forwards. "We didnt imagine... Things were so hard at first, we just- I suppose we had lots on our plate already. The legal things got put off. It wasnt important."

"Eric will take custody officially, as the closest legal relative, but we know you are his dad, Felix. Dont worry. I will get my lawyers on it immediately." Fritz reassured him. "We know what Redding would have wanted."

"Thank you." Felix said softly. 

"You two did admirably." Fritz continued. "Parenting is never easy. I didnt get to know any of my four that young. Eric and Quinn mainly did it on their own, in a lot less comfortable circumstances than now." Fritz looked sadly at his sleeping husband in the rearview.

Felix looked at the man that he could now call a friend. He had a hard time imagining Fritz and Eric before they were publically the Earl and Count. He'd seen photos of Fritz in uniform, and the loving selfies Eric had taken with his children before he and Fritz had married, but their past had never quite gelled with their present. 

Felix reached for his Gatoraid in the cup holder. Room temperature sports drinks seemed to go down his still raw throat easiest. "Eric was a huge help. With Victor. And with Red." He added. "I was horrified how hard he was on Red right after the birth... But it was what Red needed. A reality check. I couldnt get through to him. He couldnt even hold our baby, but somehow Eric knew what to say." Felix said distantly, thinking back to the first few months of their baby's life. It had been the hardest moment in their relationship, and Felix would be lying if he said he hadnt questioned whether he could be a parent to Victor when Red didnt seem to want to try. "Let alone I'd never changed a nappy before." 

He thought about the first time Red had held his son and been able to look him in the face, seeing beyond the resemblance to Elliot, and truly seeing his son. That had been the turning point. Felix looked away, towards the mountains to hide the tears. 

Fritz didnt draw attention to Felix's emotion. "You two figured it out. Nearly on your own. I know it was because Redding hated the idea of a stranger that you had no help except for us, and your father, but still, you two invented from whole cloth how to care for Victor in ways that worked for you two." 

Felix smiled sadly at the memory. "We did figure it out, didnt we? It didnt feel like we knew what we were doing, but, we were a family. We did it."

"You are. Not 'were'." Fritz said. "You are a family. We're going to find him Felix."


	23. Spring

Outside Dziadki, Poland  
(2017)

"So there I was, naked-" Red smirked.

"You were naked?!" Chase giggled. He was cuddled in the big chair with Redding, both of them under the quilt. His daddy's arm was around him and the little boy curled against his parent's side. Redding's fingers scratched at the knit of his son's jumper as he spoke.

It had been two months since the night his husband had thrown Redding into the snow. His frost bite had healed, leaving only a ghosting stiffness when the house was chill. 

Spring was just beginning to seep into the forest. On warm days, Chase and Redding could watch the accumulated snow avalanching off the pines that rimmed the yard. The snow exploded into glittering, faerie-like clouds when it hit the ground and the spring sun caught the ice crystals hanging in the air.

The birds were changing as well. The Black Grouse - The Ceitrzew - had reappeared. They lived under the big pine in the corner of the yard, and the male poked up it's black head to survey the spring snow with his perpetually judgemental eye. His wife, with her brown and tan feathers and soft eyes, seemed much more easily pleased as she skittered along the edges of the snow, under the protective pine boughs. 

In the same two months, the heroin had nearly become normal. Elliot's fears had come to nothing. Redding had already been functioning with a champion level dependance on opiates. Heroin was just a different high. Redding didnt like the sickly roller coaster, but he had little choice. The first hour he spent nodding in blissful half-awareness, the last hour he was itchy and too-easily irritated. He checked his timer constantly, as time seemed to slow to a crawl, his next dose never seeming near enough. It was only the middle hour he felt he was truly functional. 

"I wasnt totally naked! I had my trainers on!" Redding laughed. "And I was waving at the window, begging my brother, you know 'let me in! Let me in!' before our dad came round and caught me! And your uncle Eric just came to the window, looked right at me, stuck out his tongue, and wouldnt let me in!" 

"What would your dad do when he caught you?" Chase asked. 

Redding groaned, smiling ruefully. "Probably have a discussion about my life choices. He was a very sweet man... We had our problems...." He said distantly, looking out the window. "But he'd have loved you. I wish you could meet them all Chase." 

Chase was silent, his small fingers toying with the repaired hem of the quilt. 

"Someday you'll meet your family." Redding continued sadly, reaching to comb out his son's black hair with his fingers. 

The little boy sniffed. "Daddy..." 

Redding leaned so he could see his son's face. Chase's large dark eyes were rimmed with tears. The child sniffled. 

Redding drew him into his chest, hugging him tightly. "Whats wrong little dinosaur?" He kissed his head. "Whats going on?" 

"I'm sorry." Chase sniffed. "I know I'm supposed to listen but- but- Daddy they're not real!" 

"What do you mean? Chase, these are your family. These are real people. The manor is a real place!" Redding insisted. 

"No they're not!" The little boy cried. "They're not! Papa told me everything, and said to just listen and tell him, but I cant!" 

"What do you mean? What did Papa say?" He demanded. A deep pit opened beneath him.

Chase whimpered, and Redding recognised the conflict in his face, when he was asked to choose between parents. Redding took a deep breath, and calmed himself. "It's ok Chase. Please tell me what Papa said. I wont be mad." 

"He said they aren't real! That you're sick! Because of when you got hurt! That you have- you have shellshock. I still love you so much Daddy! But its not good to talk about people who arent real, especially my brother because it makes you so sad and upset! Its like how beauty and the beast is imagination, not real!" 

Redding was in shock. He felt dizzy. "Chase... When did Papa tell you this? Have you been telling him our conversations?" He swallowed.

"......last year." Chase admitted. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He sniffed, fresh tears welling up. 

"Its not your fault." Redding felt like he was hearing himself at a distance. Elliot had manipulated their son into believing he was crazy. Redding took his son's shoulder, making sure the boy was looking at him. "Chase your Papa lied to you. Do you understand? You have a real family out there and your papa only wants you to love him, not them. Theres nothing wrong with my memories! Your uncles? Your brother? Your cousins? They're all out there!" 

Chase looked at him, putting a hand on his arm. "Daddy you need to calm down." 

Hearing his husband's covertly violent words coming from his little boy's mouth felt like a physical blow. Redding felt himself flinch. "Dont say that Chase. Never say that! You're not your Papa, and I wont let you become him!" He pulled him back into a hug. "I'm going to make sure you meet your family. I'll prove they're real. Leave it to me Chase. I promise you I'll fix this." 

He held the little boy tightly. Redding stared into nothingness, only feeling the betrayal of this discovery. His secrets with his son werent safe. There was the familiar knot of anger in him. Elliot couldnt even leave him his sanity. 

This had to end. Before Elliot took everything. 

He slowly let go of his son. "Go wash your face. I love you. Dont worry Chase." He kissed his son's temple before pushing him gently off the chair. The little boy squeezed him tightly, and then slid off the plush chair to disappear down the hall. 

Redding looked at the timer which sat on the side table. "Fuck..." He muttered. It read another 40 minutes. He rubbed his inner arm, where he self-injected the drug every three hours. The frequency of the injections meant that Elliot had finally given up some control. He had to trust Redding to administer it himself while Elliot was at work. The temptation was strong to skip ahead. God, he wanted the gift of emotional oblivion now. He could wipe out the hatred and vulnerability he felt, just for another hour or two. It didnt matter that he would run out early. The carefully measured doses were only enough to last until Elliot came home. 

The man had given up some control, but not all. The small aggression of still not allowing a clock rankled. 

"No Red, you know better than that." He told himself out loud. "Fuck you Elliot... Actually fuck you for lying to our kid!" He muttered. "Damnit!" 

He could confront him, but Elliot would lie. His son had been listening and reporting for a year, and Redding had never known. Redding put his head in his hands for a moment. All the control he had was an illusion. "Fuck it." He said quietly.

"What Daddy?" Chase asked, returning. He looked at his parent worriedly.

"Chase go get my medication." Redding ordered softly.

The boy hesitated, looking at the timer and then back at his daddy. "But..."

"Go get it!" Redding snapped, causing the little boy to jump. Redding felt a stab of regret when he was his little boy's face. "I'm sorry, I didnt mean to sound like that. It's ok. Just please go get my medication." He asked. 

Chase nodded hesitantly, leaving his father alone with his thoughts for a moment. He ound himself thinking of Eric, the bad old days when he was deep in addiction, and Redding had sat helplessly, watching his brother shooting up. He'd sworn he'd never be that person. He'd never be the person letting their kids watch as he killed himself slowly. 

The guilt just made the hit more urgent. 

Seeing his brother go through his addiction had just made Redding more adept as a user. He knew how to escape his emotions most efficiently. He'd taught his amateurish husband how to do it right. 

Chase brought the beautifully printed cookie tin which held the materials and the expertly measured supply Redding had access to. The pattern was a reproduction of the beautiful painted murals that still lingered on the old plaster walls of the cottage. They lived under the peeling paint that had gone over them when they fell out of fashion, and were relegated to the uncivilized past. 

One summer, Redding and Chase had spent days scraping and peeling away the thin paint in the abandoned summer kitchen, revealing the geometic patterns of red, yellow, and green. They'd sat in amazement on the dirt floor, as the sun shone weakly through the cobwebbed windows, illuminating the spectacular work of an artist long dead. 

Redding laid out the materials in a line on the arm of the chair. Once he had prepared the shot, he pulled the syringe out of it's sanitary packaging and quickly drew up the drug into the needle. It was darker than usual, Redding reflected as he shrugged out of his jumper. The rubber tourniquet was deftly tightened around his upper arm, and it took no time at all to find a vein. 

Chase was watching all this stoically. Redding preferred not to look at his son while he worked. "You dont have to watch Chase, go put on a movie for us." 

"I do." Chase replied as he always did. "It's not safe." In the tin wasnt just the drugs, but also the antidote if Redding were to ever overdose. 

Redding looked up despite himself, and met his son's eyes. That ever-present guilt was very much there. Chase shouldnt have to know how to save his daddy's life. He shouldnt have to worry that a bad batch will make his daddy stop breathing. "I'll be fine." He promised, as he slipped the needle into the vein on his arm. He rushed to take off the tourniquet and put aside the used needle before it hit him. 

He let out a soft breath of relief when he felt it take effect. His guilt, anger, and helplessness ebbed away almost immediately, replaced by a cloudy sense of well-being that seemed infinite now, but would actually be painfully short. 

 

Chase carefully gathered up the packaging and used needle and transported them to the hard plastic container they lived in. 

When he returned, he watched his father for a few moments, watching him breath with half-open, unfocused eyes. He nodded once he was satisfied, put a warm blanket over his parent, and went to find a film for them, picking from his favorites. He finally chose Peter Pan, and fed it into the old VCR. 

He settled down in front of the television as the previews buzzed to life.


	24. New Bonds

Queens Medical Centre - Nottingham, England 

(2009)

Felix walked slowly down the hall. The flourescent lights were bright, lighting up the sterile hallways uncomfortably. There were no shadows. The air smelled strange, and this part of the hospital was hushed. 

He paused, looking at the sign for the Neonatal ICU. Even the black block letters were frightening. 

He wished he could run away. Felix didnt realize he had wrapped his arms around himself. There was nobody here to comfort him. His feelings churned as he tried to steel himself to enter. 

Red wasnt here. He'd refused to see his baby when the doctors pulled the tiny infant from inside him in the surgical theater. He had told them to take him away. 

Red was in the recovery ward, recovering well from the C-Section, but all he would do was shake his head when Felix begged him to just meet his own son - The son they had promised to raise together. 

Felix tried hard not to resent that. It wasnt Red's fault. 

It wasnt. 

It was Elliot. He'd done this. He'd hurt Red so badly that he couldnt even see the child Elliot had put inside him. Even after all their talk, all their promises to be a family, at this moment, Red couldnt do it. 

If Felix repeated that enough, maybe these feelings would go away; the feelings that Red was abandoning their baby at the most critical moment, and Abandoning Felix to face this alone. 

He took a deep breath, and pushed through the door. He stood still, frozen as he saw the banks of incubators. These babies had IV drips, oxygen, terrible illnesses. Their cries were breathless, mere whimpers, or dealthy silence.

For a moment he was lost, fearing what he would find. 

"Felix." It was Eric's quiet voice that anchored him finally. Felix looked around to find that shock of pink and black hair. Eric tilted his head inviting Felix closer. He was seated by the incubator.

Felix barely saw the Count. His eyes were immediately drawn to the tiny shivering bundle in his arms, which was tied to the incubator by a tiny clear IV line.

He was tiny. Tinier than Felix could have imagined. His skin was pale and his diaper oddly big on his tiny frame. His eyes were screwed shut as he made a strangled cry. He'd thrown off his blanket, and his limbs shook. His finy fists were clenched. Felix could feel the baby's pain telegraphed so strongly that he felt it in his chest. 

Was this his baby? Felix at once wanted run away, and to wrap this tiny creature in his arms and never let go.

Eric cuddled the little one close. "I'm glad you're here." He smiled sadly. "He needs one of you." 

Felix took a hesitant step forward. "Is he ok?" He asked. The doctors had explained the risks of Red taking high doses of opiates during his pregnancy. They'd described the withdrawl their baby would go through, 'Neonatal Abstinance Syndrome' is what it was called, politely dodging the stigma of the drugs that caused it, prescribed or not. The technical terms hadnt prepared Felix for the tiny being's shaking, his breathless cries, or his pain. 

Eric shook his head. "No. But he will be." He rocked the child gently, cooing softly to it. "He will be. I promise you, little bean, life isnt going to always be this way." He continued to rock the baby. "It could just be days, or weeks before the withdrawl fades." Eric tucked the blanket back around him, but the child cried out and began to struggle as if the touch of the cloth was painful. Eric let the blanket fall again and he sighed. "Mallory had relapses for three months. She would be fine for a while, and then just wake up back where she started." He said, his face for a moment distant as he recalled his own struggle with addiction and the damage it had done his children. "But she got better." He looked up, shaking his head to focus on the present. "And so will this little one." He promised. "All he needs is to be held. He has to know he's loved." 

Felix knelt down, bringing himself level with....his son. "Can I?" He asked shyly. 

Eric nodded and carefully lifted the baby into Felix's arms. He guided him softly, telling him how to support the tiny one properly. The child's cries got louder as he was given to a stranger. Felix could feel his uncontrolled shaking, and was suddenly afraid he would drop him. He looked up at Eric, panic in his face. The count took Felix's elbows gently, supporting him. "You're doing fine." He reassured him. "If you stay calm, he will feel safe. If you're anxious, he'll sense it." 

Felix squashed down the new panic that brought. He could do this. He had to. He might have to do it alone if Red never came around. 

He wasnt going to abandon this baby. 

Even if Red did.

Felix swallowed hard and settled on his knees, letting Eric's hands fall away. Glancing at Eric for reassurance, and recieving a nod, he leaned back, feeling the tiny weight in his arms. "Its ok.... I'm..." He hesitated a moment, but he already knew he wouldnt turn back. "I'm your Da'." He said softly. "I'm going to take care of you. Your Daddy and I will, both of us. He isnt feeling well right now, but I know he'll love you when he sees you."

He didnt let go of that baby for hours, until the nurses ushered them away. Felix returned to Red's room alone, his heart full. His love was asleep, a deep, drugged unconciousness that Felix knew. Red wouldnt wake for many hours. Felix tucked Red's short dark hair from his love's face and sat in the chair by the bedside. He leaned his chin on his arm, settling on the bed, his other hand still gently combing Red's hair. He was silent for a long time, thinking. 

Eventually, he spoke quietly. "Our son is beautiful. He's so sick. Red he needs you. I dont want to do this alone. Please." He said, knowing Red wouldnt remember these words, but needing to say it. "Please Red. He's ours. It will be ok if you just meet him." 

He leaned forward and kissed his love's forhead, lingering to listen to his quiet breath. In this deep sleep, Red wasnt tormented. It was one of the few times. 

Felix sighed and settled on his arms, closing his eyes, suddenly exhausted. One hand remained on Red's warm shoulder, reassuring them both that the other was still there, and soon they were both asleep.


	25. Molly

Outside Dziadki, Poland  
(2012)

"What rabbit hole are you leading me down?" Red smiled. "Elliot?" He tried to listen for his husband. He was blindfolded with a soft scarf, and under it, he kept his eyes closed. He played along with Elliot's game, happy enough to be outside. 

Red dragged his fingers through the dry grass, and smelled the pines that clustered on the property. The ravens knocked in the tops of the trees. The distinctive sound was strange and mechanical the first time a traveller heard it. Now, many months into his unwilling stay here, it had become comforting. 

The Polish ravens had their own dialect - distinct and wild. He hoped to develop an ear for it. He would eavesdrop on the conversations of the sociable birds. They would become his secret friends. 

He looked upwards, unseeing. Redding was in the tops of the trees with the birds. His fingers twisted in the grass as the other rested on his now rounded belly. Maybe he would give birth to a raven. A trickster of old. If he did, would Elliot still claim it was his own? If Redding died giving birth to the trickster, would his spirit become a raven? He could fly back to England, and be with his family again. 

"What are you thinking about?" Elliot's voice cut into his thoughts. Red realized his husband was just in front of him. Elliot's tone was warm, and Red shrugged. 

"Ravens." He chuckled. "Where have you been?" Red now tilted his head to peek under the blindfold, and saw Elliot reaching to pull it off. When Red could see once again, he saw Elliot was beaming, and Red gave him a puzzled smile. 

"Getting your suprise set up." Elliot said coyly, and stood, moving out of the way. 

The young horse nibbled the grass contentedly. She was tied on a loose halter line to the old fence. She was a beautiful grey, with faint spots on her rump and withers. 

Red stared. "You got us a horse." A disbelieving smile broke across his face. "You're crazy!" He laughed. 

"I got you a horse." Elliot smiled, pleased by his love's response. "She's yours." 

"Mine?" Red repeated, gazing at the beautiful animal, who had raised her head curiously. He excitedly pushed towards her through the grass. Elliot was faster than he was, though. "Woah, careful! Let me." Elliot restrained him gently and picked him up. Red felt a shock of anger, but he shrugged it off, more focused on his new pet. Elliot carried him towards the young horse, and she leaned her head over the crumbling fence curiously. 

Redding offered his hand, and she snuffed at him shyly. Her mane was streaked dark and light, and her eyes were soft and sleepy. "Whats your name girl?" Red asked softly, scratching her nose. The whiskers brushed stiffly against his fingers, while the skin was as soft as her beautiful eyes. 

"Moljne." Elliot let Redding down gently, letting him settle in the grass. The horse followed him down, curious why this human would sit down. She was used to being addressed at head height. 

"No...." Redding scratch her chin, and the horse stretched her neck happily. "Molly." He said. "What do you think of that, girl? Can I call you Molly?" He took her contented snort as a yes. He couldnt stop grinning. "She's wonderful, Elliot. She's wonderful." He looked up at his husband, and saw the tall man watching him fondly. Elliot shrugged happily. 

Redding ran his fingers along the bridge of her snout, stopping to trace the whorl of fur on her forehead, smoothing out the fine, stiff strands that were a salt-and pepper mix of white, grey, and black. "We need to repair this fence if she is going to live here. She could hurt herself on these exposed nails, and parts of it are rotting." He was planning already. She needed to be cared for. "Shes just a baby..." 

"One year only." Elliot confirmed. "My coworker is moving to the city, and so he was selling off his animals." 

"You have a new home Molly. And nobody is going to sell you." He ran her soft ears between his fingers. "You just like attention, dont you?" He teased, as she nuzzled him, loving his touch. "Nobody is going to sell you...." Red repeated pensively. 

Elliot was looking towards the fence when Red looked up. Elliot's face was thoughtful. Redding combed his fingers through the horse's mane. "Elliot? If I dont make it, dont get rid of her." 

"What do you mean? Why would you say that?" Elliot knelt down. "Redding, what are you talking about?" 

"The baby. If I die." Red replied, letting his fingers fall away from the young horse. "Dont sell her. Now now she has a home." 

"You're not going to die. I promise." Elliot gently cupped Red's jaw with a strong hand. 

"You cant promise that. There was a reason I had a c-section with Victor! Because they didnt know if I could do it!" Red saw Elliot's face changing and he ploughed on. "Elliot, lets do it in hospital. Please. I wont say anything. I can't. I dont even speak the language. I'll pretend I'm mute. Tell them whatever you want." He said rapidly. 

Elliot took both sides of Redding's face, trying to shush him, raising his voice to talk over him. "Redding! That wasnt the reason they reccomended a c-section. You werent emotionally ready. Now you are. Medically, you could have had our child naturally."

"How do you know? You werent there!" Redding retorted, turning away from Elliot's hands. 

"I was keeping tabs on you of course." Elliot replied calmly. 

Redding stared at him, sick in ways he hadnt been in months. He managed to supress the awful feelings, but talking about the past brought it all back. "How?" He swallowed. 

"I dont think we should talk about this. It's upsetting you. That doesnt matter. What matters is that we can do this." He tried to take Red's hands, but the other man jerked away. "Together. I can deliver this baby. My mother gave birth at home and so can you." He grabbed Red's wrists hard enough that he couldnt twist away. The horse backed away quickly, her ears perked up anxiously. 

Elliot pulled him close, so close that Red felt his breath on his ear as Elliot spoke. "You're strong. You can do this, and I will be here to keep you safe. We dont need the outside. We have everything we need right here." 

Redding was silent for a moment, his chest tight with anger and hatred. Sometimes he wished he would die. It seemed like an escape. If this baby killed him, it wouldnt be his fault. He wouldnt be giving up on Felix and Victor. "You're right." He admitted finally. He waited as Elliot loosened his grip. "Can I stay out here with Molly?" 

"You know I cant leave you alone." Elliot replied, letting him go and smoothing Red's dark hair. "I love you." 

"I love you too. I just wish... You trusted me." Redding sighed. He held out his hand to Molly again, but she refused to come, shying to the end of her rope. 

"I do trust you." Elliot insisted. Red frowned, not looking at his husband. He didnt bother voicing any argument. 

Redding let his hand drop, upset that Elliot could even frighten the innocent foal. Redding regretted saying anything at all. 

Nothing ever came of it.

He should know better by now. 

"Thank you for Molly. I love her." He forced a small smile, and leaned to kiss his husband, signaling that the conversation was over.


	26. Bird Seeds

Grantham England

(2009)

"Do you realize how lucky you are? What were the chances you would go from the streets to HERE?" Red gestured widely to the manicured garden.

The two brothers were in the private, screened pagoda in the garden that allowed Red to smoke privately while still having a view of the beautiful property. The birds flickered back and forth from the birdfeeders to the roof. The birdfeeders had been gifts from Fritz and Eric, set up and kept filled by the outdoor staff. 

"I was never on the street!" Eric retorted. "I always had a flat, I always worked!" 

"Hooking isnt work!" Red snorted derisively. 

"Sex work is work! You try it!" Eric raised an eyebrow. 

"Sure, for some people! You didnt treat it like work - and thats not the point!" Redding said, taking a long drag on his joint. "The point is that if it werent for you living today, and having me, and dad to pick up your high ass out of jail, put you into rehab after rehab-" Redding gestured forcefully as his brother tried to argue the facts by talking over him. "-No! No! Listen for one damn minute! And Quinn, making sure he and Tommy and the babies were clean and fed and alive when you disappeared! If it werent for him you wouldnt still have those kids!"

"You always exaggerate things in your favour! I was never that bad!" Eric responded. "I was never that bad! I didnt abandon my kids!" 

"You did! I found them alone how many times?" Redding demanded. 

"An hour or two! I never abandoned them! Quinn babysat!" Eric refused to give ground.

"Right, right, fine. Fine. I dont have the energy for this." Redding shook his head. "My other point was, a hundred years ago, you, a man, pregnant? Four kids? From two different fathers? They would have burned you as a witch!" Redding smirked. "Pitchforks and all." He playfully imitated the angry villagers, miming a pitchfork and torch in his hands.

His brother refused to look at him. "You are an ass sometimes." 

Redding looked up at the sky in exasperation. "I'm sorry. I know better than to bring this up. It's in the past. I'm sorry." He said, a script that had developed over many years. "Eric?" 

Eric looked at him at last. "Its not fair that you keep blaming me for stuff I did while I was in addiction. I cant do anything to change the past." He said sadly. "I just try to be better now. I feel more than enough shame already. I don't need your help." 

Redding regarded his brother. Sometimes he wondered if he was a bad person for not being able to forgive his brother, or his father. The anger sometimes felt like it was slowly eating him. "Yeah. Let's just forget it." He said guiltily. "I was out of line." He finally admitted, unsure if he really believed his own words.

"Thank you." Eric said softly. He watched a nuthatch as it hopped vertically along a trunk, searching for insects. "You would be no better." Eric said. "You have a babymaker in there too." 

"But I dont throw it in peoples faces." Redding replied. 

"Do I?" Eric asked, narrowing his eyes playfully, relaxing a bit after Red's attack. "Why should I not? I'm not ashamed of who I am, unlike some." He said, raising an eyebrow at Redding. "I am me. That isnt throwing it in people's faces, I dont carry a butch chip on my shoulder." Redding's twin had always favoured a more gender-fluid style. Even as a child, he had never understood why their father took the flowers out of his hair and banned him from seeing his little friends who played princess and mermaids with his son. 

That was a part of what drove Eric and their father so far apart. Redding had watched it happen when Eric finally asserted his identity as a teen, and their father reacted back even more strongly. 

Maybe part of the appeal of Fritz was that he accepted and loved Eric exactly for who he was. Redding felt a pang of jealousy as he thought about that. In the end, Fritz had chosen his brother, not him. 

Eric was watching the birds. He leaned his chin on his palm, resting against the beautifully carved railing. Today his hair was woven with long extensions, the colour falling nearly to his waist. There was a silence between them as they each sat in their own thoughts. 

"Check this out." Redding reached into a bag by his chair and pulled out a small handful of seeds. He flattened his palm and whistled softly. The fluttering yellow and black Tits hopped back and forth uncertainly for a moment, before one gathered its courage and flicked to his hand. It alighted there and turned its head to view him for a moment. Once reassured he wouldnt leap upon it, it pecked for the seeds, filling its beak before it flitted back into the roof. Redding smiled. 

His brother made a sound of delight. "Thats amazing! Will they come to me too?" He asked. "And for your information, men like us made fine wives." 

"Maybe." Redding slid the bag in his brother's direction. "Not interested in being anyone's wife." 

Eric leaned down and snagged the bag with a finger, pulling it towards him. " Mostly in rural villages, where the population was low. When women were unavailable, men like us filled the gaps. Mainly in Wales."

"Well, the Welsh." Redding snorted. 

"Fertile men who took on a wife's role were valuable. We were seen as stronger than a female wife, better protectors of the children and homestead." Eric said, as he gathered a palmful of seeds and carefully held out his hand. 

"When did you get so smart?" Redding teased. "Just hold it still and flat - yeah, like that." 

The count held his hand out hopefully, biting his bottom lip in anticipation and concentration. Redding smiled, watching his brother's childlike excitement. 

Eric barely held back a squeak of suprise and delight when a small bird landed on his hand. He looked at Redding, eyes widening. "Take a picture!" He demanded, but the bird flitted away before Redding could get anywhere near his phone. Eric pouted with disappointment. 

"He'll be back." Redding chuckled. "And all his friends." 

Eric stretched out his hand once again. "I'm not smart. I just remember the things that interested me from Uni."

"Nah, you were always smart. Irritating little shit that you were." Redding groaned fondly, lighting another joint with a matte steel lighter which he then slid back into his pocket. 

"Not really." Eric said. "You should consider going back to school. You could get a new career. What is it called - Biology? Ornithology. That's the one." 

"You have to be able to do field work." Redding argued, keeping his phone ready to take a picture. "And I dont think I'm the Uni type."

"Well something then. There are lots of choices. Whatever I suggest you'll shoot down, but I still think it might do you good." Eric finished, making another sound of amazement when another bird landed on his hand. "Hello there little one! Ow! You dont half have claws, do you?" He laughed, scaring it away with his noise. "Oh no!" 

"They're too fast for this crappy camera." Redding said around the joint in his mouth, lowering his phone. "I'm busy enough training. Got no time for school or such."

They both heard light jogging feet, and Quinn hopped down the ornamental stairs into the screened pagoda. He smiled at Redding, his back to his mother. "Hey Uncle Red!" He said, and Redding froze mid-draw, choking with suprise. He coughed harshly.

His uncle widened his eyes in warning and nodded past the young man as he tried to get his breath back. Quinn blinked and turned around. "Oh sh- Hi mom!" He said, desperately trying to sound casual through his suprise and fear. "I was.. Uh." He stumbled. "Just looking for you!" 

"Oh yes?" Eric tilted his head. "Were you?" He asked, crossing his arms. "Not trying to score weed off your uncle in a place I have expressly told you is adults only?" 

"......no?" The young man tried, flushing dark with panic. Quinn was a tall and handsome young black man, with mocha skin and his mother's eyes. At fourteen he was just growing out of his gangly teenage frame and coming into an athletic adulthood. His tightly curled black hair was styled with abstract designs up the shaved sides and he was lightly dressed in a tshirt with the latest of his revolutionary slogans on it. Today it was a dramatic graphic with 'Activism = Action" emblazoned across the chest in stark whites on black. 

Redding put out his freshly started joint. "Well, I'm out. Daph needs a stretch." He tucked his joint behind his ear out of old habit, and then caught himself, and far more discreetly tucked it into the metal cigarette holder in his pocket. He got up carefully, and once he was balanced, he reached to clap Quinn on the shoulder. "Good luck Q." 

The teen looked at Redding desperately, but his uncle unselfconciously abandoned him to his mother's lecture heading back out towards the stables, needing a hard ride to drive out the conflicting anger and guilt that too much time with his brother always left him with.


End file.
